Word on the Beach

Caffeine buzz or feel-good "I'm gonna help fight Cancer" buzz?

2012-01-22T19:38:00.000-05:00

Yes - I am OFFICIALLY launching my campaign to support the fight against breast cancer. That gawd-awful C word.

Just.

Gawd.

Awful.

On April 21, 2012, I will work out (a.k.a. exercise, dance, prance, jump, twist...) for SIX SOLID HOURS to showcase the fact that I am healthy, while others are not so lucky. I will sweat in celebration of my charmed life and my amazing and young family. I will breathe deeply in appreciation for all the survivors, the fighters and the family members of those affected by breast cancer. And I hope, through my willingness to do this, that my friends and family will help me raise the minimum $1,000 for this all-day event!

To make it simple, I have added a button on this blog that links directly to my donation page. You will notice that it, too, NEEDS YOUR HELP.

So. Whaddya say? Can you give up one of this week's lattes in order to swing a 'just-as-feel-good' donation to kick-start my campaign?

*Note: Donations of $25 or more mean you are awarded the priviledge of asking me to do specific moves (think: funky chicken dance) sometime during the 6 hours. Over $50 gives you input into hair/makeup/outfit accessories (provided they don't interfere with my team's costume choices). $100 or more....hmmmm - name it!

Let's get this party started everyone!!!!! Click on the button on my sidebar...or click here!

HOLY GUACAMOLE!

2012-01-21T21:30:00.000-05:00

Food. I LOVE food. And so when my hubby and I come up with an amazing dinner, and something about it goes 'POW' in your mouth, I want to share.

Tonight, we made fajitas. It's an 'old standby' in our house when we are looking for tasty but healthy. This was the view as I jammed these yummy suckers in my mouth...

The composition was as follows:

Marinated BBQ chicken breast
Sauteed red and green peppers with onion strips
whole wheat tortillas
low fat sour cream
salsa (this was homemade but whatever)
fresh cilantro
homemade guacamole
homemade 'fajita' special sauce

So, without further ado, here are the 'recipes'.

Chicken marinade (1 or 2 hours):
Olive oil
garlic
salt and pepper
fresh-squeezed lime juice
fresh chopped cilantro

Guacamole:
2 ripe avocados
fresh-squeezed juice of 1/2-full lime (to taste - I put about 3/4 of a lime via a fancy press)
chopped red onion (maybe 1/4 cup or so)
1-2 tbsp salsa
sprinkle of salt
chopped fresh cilantro (a good amount - 1/4 cup or 1/3 cup)
*Mango - tonight I added finely chopped fresh mango. OMG good...about 1/4 cup

- mash it all together et voila!

Fajita 'special' sauce
(something my hubby tossed together this afternoon that I CANNOT recommend enough!) You can char all of this on a BBQ or roast under broil in an oven, like he did this afternoon.

1 fresh poblano pepper, roasted and de-skinned
1 fresh orange pepper, roasted and de-skinned
2 cloves garlic, roasted
1 habanero pepper, roasted and de-seeded
1/4 red onion, sliced and also roasted/sauteed

- combine all the above in blender with enough olive oil to blend into nice, thick saucy consistency. Add a dash of sugar and salt and about 1/2 tblsp of white vinegar. Ah...mazing.

Enjoy!

Whine and Wine on a Friday

2012-01-20T23:12:00.000-05:00

Oh, what a day. I'm like a broken record, really, when I talk about how lucky I am to have such wonderful babies. But it's on a day like today that I realize how lucky. I mean, they are almost 15 months old and this week was the first week that I REALLY had to deal with a child with a cold.

Thank friggin' gawd.

Today was particularly trying, as both girls seemed out of sorts and neither were on the same page at the same time (which makes for a particularly crusty mommy). Alex, still sick, wanted LOTS of sleep and when up was at best unpredictable, alternating between laughter and inconsolable tears. Hailey, perhaps feeling sickness coming on (?) was irritable, didn't nap well, was a picky eater and just generally wanted a lot of attention. *As an aside, I chose today to get us all out of the house for a little trip to IKEA. Ha! SMRT.

In any event, 5pm hit, and upon return from work, husband was hit at entry with the dulcet tones of whining, whimpering, full-on temper tantrums and other fun. An early bath, early bottles, and both were put down to bed, also early. They didn't go to SLEEP early, mind, but Mommy and Daddy had other plans.

BBQ filet mignon, and a WONDERFUL bottle of wine. Seen here:

Yes. This is what we used to do before our wonderful, blessed additions arrived. Felt like old times. Except, of course, for the monitor that showed several decibles of sound were coming from the bedroom. I say showed because the volume was muted.

The wine was velvety, jammy, earthy with dark cherry, a hint of anise.

New Gig - Come join in the convos!

2012-01-11T21:41:00.000-05:00

So I have some kewl news, everyone. I've got a second Twitter account!

Well, not REEEEALLY. It's more like I'm part of a great team of people, and I'll be sending out tweets through their account - you know, stuff I already tweet about. Like what's happening in Ottawa. Or where to take your family for a great activity. Or where the best sale is on awesome gear. Or what a brutal, tough day I have had. Or hilarious things our babies do. And mostly, I'll be chatting with you.

Basically, I'm just going to be myself, and I want you to join me. I'll be tweeting on UsedOttawa, which I am sure you ALL know is a great site to buy and sell cool, useful or just random stuff, right? (As an aside, it's a Canadian company - like - NOT owned by Google. #justsaying)

... and come to think of it, it's January, and we've been purging around here lately. I guess I'll also be posting some stuff for sale soon too. But I digress...

So how is this gonna work? Well, you will know the tweets are mine because my initials will be attached to all my tweets, but my partner in crime, Jordan, is pretty darn interesting too, as is Jennifer, a VERY old (we won't really go into how old, kay?) friend from high school in Winnipeg who is one of the big brains at the head office of UsedEverywhere in Victoria, BC. (You didn't even know this about me, right? Yes, I am a military brat who spent the better part of her high school years in the 'Peg. The rest? Well, I was in Goose Bay, Labrador, and then many many other temporary 'homes'. Yeah. Exactly. Explains so much, right?)

So. Come join the convos. See if you feel like following the Used tweets, and be sure to say hello and let us know if there's something cool we should share with other tweeps in Ottawa. I'm excited...

2012 - The Year of Positivity

2011-12-29T21:32:00.002-05:00

In a recent blog post on Losing it in Ottawa, I talked about next year not in terms of losing weight, but in terms of fixing my inner voice; my attitude. I am simply tired of the constant stream of self-criticism I put myself through. I want to see how I end up looking on the outside when I fix what's going through my head (and coming out of my mouth, and showing on my face, and being illustrated by my body language, etc.) and focus ONLY on that.

And frankly, I want to see if I can become one of those people about whom others say, "She's the type of person who can never say a bad thing about anyone else!" and who simply chooses to be an optimist. I generally feel I am already optimistic, but, you know....we could all improve, right?

I'm not one for resolutions. I kindof started my new attitude about 3-4 weeks ago, when I embraced the Christmas season and stopped trying to drag myself out to the pool or the gym or whatever just to feel more stressed and put aside all the other things I wanted to get done. Now, granted, I DID feel less stressed, but I did NOT make positive choices. And that's fine. For the holidays.

And now, as 2012 approaches, it's time. Time to accept myself, live life as fully as possible, have fun and see what happens when I value myself, value my wonderful life and girls and husband, and just LIVE.

How does that sound to you? Are you changing your approach at all this coming year?

I do still love you. And I miss you. I'll be back soon.

2011-12-07T22:28:00.001-05:00

Ode to my beautiful blog. I have so much to say, and no time to say it...for the moment. The girls' first birthday has come and gone, and Christmas preparations are well underway. A lot to talk about. I'll be back soon. I promise.

In the meantime, a few recent photos....

Leading a double life

2011-10-20T20:43:00.000-04:00

Back at work - Where on earth did a full year go? - and thinking to myself that this whole experience is rather surreal. You wake, madly change diapers, struggle to get babies into clothes, feed them (no small feat with two), pack up, get them into shoes and jackets and get out the door. You dump them at daycare (no, not literally) and then BOOM. All of a sudden you are watching the clock, thinking about bus schedules, your lipstick, and the project you are working on at work.

You arrive at your destination, saunter into a coffee shop perhaps, and then launch brilliantly into adult-speak, discussing the politics of the day, strategies, meetings, clients, projects etc. etc. etc. You continue throughout the day, relaxed while reading, thinking, discussing and in between casually deciding what to eat for lunch (with the luxury of time and a myriad of options), and whether to meet up with a former coworker to laugh and reconnect.

Then, as the end of the workday approaches, there you are...thoughts of giggly babies seeping into your subconscious; a level of anxiousness to see your girls, laugh with them, wiggle their toes and point at birds in the sky all of a sudden more pressing than anything you are currently typing on the computer. You are lost to the workforce once again until, tired but looking forward to another work day, you awake, complete your morning routine and send your babies off to daycare.

Don't get me wrong - it feels quite wonderful, and it will be nice to have a balance of experiences to enrich my life again, but boy - what a study in contrasts!

I'm curious how other moms did when they went back to work? I'm not super emotional about it, but I miss my girls so much as the afternoon approaches...

The Brilliance of NIKE

2011-10-08T20:58:00.000-04:00

Home for the first time since 5:54 on Friday morning. Husband is back at CHEO spending a couple more hours at my little Hailey's bedside before heading back here to sleep in our own bed tonight, and Alex is up in the nursery sleeping alone for the first time in well over 6 months. It's been quite a 48-hour stretch.

I don't know how we (as in all people who go through ridiculously tough situations in life) all make it through, but we do. We JUST DO IT. I don't know who it was that came up with NIKE's slogan, but it is simply a universal rule in life's challenging times, isn't it?

My little Hailey underwent yet another surgery on Friday morning, this time to repair a NEW kind of hernia, a Paraesophageal Hernia, and it took well over 3 hours. We were the last of the 'early morning' parents left in the waiting room, and the 'afternoon' parents had been there an hour already when our surgeon (a sweet, youngish, vertically challenged but highly skilled Italian man - who has been Hailey's surgeon from the get go) came to give us the run-down on what he had had to do to repair our baby's issues. It was fairly complicated and involved, he said, but ultimately he was very pleased and he was confident it was a great success. PHEW.

Unlike the first repair, he was unable to use the existing diaphragmatic tissue to sew up the hole, so the only hiccup was needing to introduce a prosthetic mesh to patch the area around the esophagus. This, I am to understand, can cause the body to react negatively to the foreign substance (which doesn't seem to be happening in this case), but it can also mean that there could be issues in the future with re-herniation, and so I THINK this means Hailey will have more future follow-up and be monitored more closely in the event that another hernia develops. Boo.

It's amazing, I find, how resilient we all are, both physically and mentally. I mean, yes, in a WAY, being back at CHEO is calling back to mind that living hell I went through for the 30 days after the twins were born; not knowing if Hailey was going to live, not sleeping, not farting (head back in time on my blog to read about that one), not being able to conjur up breastmilk to feed my babies, and carting a newborn baby back and forth to the hospital day in and day out in order to reunite with ANOTHER newborn baby, equally needy, who went without Mommy all night long. Brutal.

But I can barely remember that month. I mean, I REMEMBER it, but I don't remember how it truly felt. It's all a distant nightmarish dream.

Now, it's hard, yes, but we're old hands at this. Once I see that she is okay, I am just settling into the temporary but new routine of juggling time with Alex at home with Hailey at the hospital. It's fun for Grandma and Grandpa to babysit and have fun time with my strong, healthy girl, while Mommy is tending to my spirited and sweet Hailey, and it seems natural for me to be home now with Alex while Daddy is with Hailey at the hospital. Ho Hum.

As I said, we just do it.

(oh, and as for Hailey's immediate future, we were successful at introducing first water and then milk to her diet today and so we hope tomorrow will be solids and Monday will bring her release back to us. And then? Hopefully NO MORE SURGERY. Ever. Please. But if we have to do this again, we know we can, and so can she.)

The Purge

2011-09-20T22:17:00.000-04:00

It has begun. I dug out all 5 bins of clothing, and I systematically went through them in preparation for my clothing swap party on October 1.

It was hard.

On one hand, it felt SOOO GOOOD to get organized and think about (hopefully) all the very happy people who will be able to walk away from my home with arms laden with serious amounts of high-quality, name brand exercise gear, footware, business suits, golf clothes - you name it, and I have it to give away.

On the other hand? I stared in disbelief at some of the clothes that I used to wear only 3.5 years ago. They looked like they belonged to a teenager compared to my current attire. It was humbling, and yes, depressing. I know that I never will get back there, but then, I also recall with acute memory the sacrifices I was making back then to look like that. It isn't sustainable. But still....hard to let go and hard to accept the new me, in whatever shape and form that is going to be.

So here is what I think about all this. It may 'get to me' right now, but I KNOW it will feel great to have a fresh start. I KNOW that I will eventually lose this tummy (and frankly, if, after giving it a GOOD strong try, it doesn't go away, I will GET it fixed so that I can be happy about myself) and that I will find a balance where I feel healthy, strong, happy and still have time in my life for all the little treasures and pleasures that are all around us everyday.

Yes, my friends, the purge is on. How about you - what do you have to purge from your life?

What's in a number?

2011-09-15T22:31:00.000-04:00

You know, it MAY be arbitrary, but 200 lbs is just one of those numbers that women NEVER want to see on the scale. And you know what? That is ALL I have seen (I mean, 200 or MORE) on the scale since a few months before I got pregnant with the twins.

And now?

Well, this morning I was 202.5 on the scale. The day before, I was 204.8. I had a good day of eating today and another swim (following the 8.4 km jog I did on Wednesday night - WOOT!!!).

So.

I MAY just be on the precipice of seeing that damn 200 vanish to be replaced by a 1 followed by other numbers. I might cry if that happens. It's a big deal to me. And yeah, by the end of the day, I might be up over that again, but that's fine - the trend is where it should be...DOWN.

I'm proud of myself. This isn't easy. I've been very down about myself, and very grumpy about giving over my little free time to exercise when all I want is to REST.

I'll keep you posted, but just had to say it - there is LOT riding on this number for me. It's loaded, and significant, and whether it should be or not, it's gotta go.

And it's gonna go. SOON.

Cleansing the soul

2011-09-07T14:20:00.000-04:00

This really isn't a deep post. It's not a zenish, karmaesque guru advice-giving dissertation. It's just an observation. If your physical life outside of you is cluttered, disorganized, and chaotic, then your life is cloudy. Your mind is not clear. I cannot relax or feel content if there is a mess around me.

Yesterday, I spent all of about 1/2 hour while the girls were playing up in their playroom in front of the mirror going through their dresser drawers and a few other piles of their smaller clothes to determine what will stay and what will get packed away. I put little piles of 3, 6 and 9 month clothes together in order to put them into diaper boxes for the next up-and-coming moms to go through, and I put back all the 12 and 18 month clothes for Fall and Winter back into their drawers.

MAN, that felt good. I can't tell you. And yes, I still have a LOT more to do, but there's really no better feeling than getting organized, is there? It's soooooo greeeeeeaaat!

What else have I been doing? FINALLY getting to the last few thank you cards I STILL have hanging over my head from the girls' birth. It's absolutely nuts that I still have these to do, but I really haven't even been able to count just how many people have generously given gifts to the girls. It's amazing, but it's also a lot of time and effort to say a proper thank you. And I just can't bring myself to resort to email or just a verbal thank you. If someone goes through the trouble to buy you a gift, you send them a proper thank you card. So. I think I counted and have 6 more left (before you know, the 1 yr. gifts start coming....!!!) and WILL get them done before Friday. Once done, a huge weight will be lifted from my shoulders and mind. I mean, think about it...every. single. night. the idea that I should be writing thank yous has hung over my head while moving, medical appointments, workouts, and other events have also intruded into our lives.

It's mental baggage, and it sucks.

So yes. I need to bottle the feeling you get - a high almost - from getting something sorted, cleaned and organized. Do you get what I mean? Do you feel the same way?

Thanksgiving weekend it is then

2011-09-03T19:38:00.000-04:00

Friday, October 7 is the date set for Hailey's surgery. I hope we don't have any episodes before then forcing us to go in prematurely, but if all goes well, the Friday before Thanksgiving weekend it is. My thinking? It's good timing. Hubby has Monday off just in case, and with any luck (and lots of thanksgiving for the blessings we have been given), we will be in and out before the weekend is over.

Here's hoping.

Until then...one more month of playdates and fun times with the girls - who's in?

Well, Fark

2011-08-26T14:12:00.001-04:00

My husband has had a hernia repaired. I have a 'bellybutton' hernia. And my baby HAD a diaphragmatic hernia at birth. Now? It's a Paraesophageal hernia (hernia #2 for little Hailey). From what they can see (and it isn't all that much), it seems as though the exit of the stomach (the first part of the intestines), instead of heading downward, has snaked its way up, pushed through a little hole beside where the esophagus comes down through the diaphragm and some of it is trapped up there, causing occasional backup, and likely explaining ongoing 'noise' we hear insider her chest after feeding. The section of the intestine is hidden, apparently, behind the liver, and tissue has likely attached the two together, making for delicate work to extracate it and bring the bowel down without damaging the bowel or the liver.

Sigh.

So, what this means is that the FIRST thing they want to do is microscopic camerawork to determine what is going on and how severe it is, and if it is what they think it is. At that same time, once they determine the nature of the condition, they will do whatever it is they have to do to fix it. This could be quick and not too difficult, or it could, because of the fact that it is hidden behind the liver, require a nice, big incision up the middle of her chest. Time will tell.

So now I sit here waiting for CHEO to call back and let me know when we can get her in for the surgery. In a sense, it is 'elective', meaning that unless or until Hailey has more episodes, we don't NEED to have the surgery, but the condition, pending another episode, can get more severe and cause complications if not dealt with. So here we go again.

She's strong and we're strong, but this still really bites the big one.

My poor little fighter...

More to come later.

Google+ n Stuff

2011-08-24T14:52:00.000-04:00

Do you see me? I'm under that rock. Have been for some time now. It's awfully interesting under this rock, and I've been very happy here; however I'm getting tired of the same scenery and occasionally I'm now peeking out to see what else is out there.

It looks different. It's a bit mysterious and many new things have sprouted over the various seasons that have come and gone. Stuff I need to know about if I'm going to go back out there, to that job that pays me so that we can live in our shiny new house.

I only know about a few new shiny toys out there - Google+, Pinterest...but there are many many more I must explore! I'm both excited and trepidatious about this - how will I find the time? Which creations are the most applicable to the public service? What are the ins and outs of each, and what about analytics, policies and management? So much to see and learn!!!

So, my social media savvy friends. What new shiny toys have the greatest potential for use by, or consideration for, the public service?

What new info is out about security, analysis, and management of social media properties for government?

What are your favourite articles of recent release that can kickstart my exploration of the world beyond my rock?

Respectfully yours,
She who has spawned under a rock but now must leave the hiding place to seek out sustenance for her family

One week in - a Me2MILF update

2011-08-14T09:49:00.000-04:00

Great start. Fantastic week. Feel so very very good already. Monday night, beach volleyball. Wednesday night, indoor volleyball tryout where I illustrated to myself (a highly critical judge) that I'm not that far off where I used to be and just have to drop a few pounds, work on my vertical, and get some practice in to become the player I used to be. Thursday was another swimming night (I really love being back in the pool again) where I squeezed in 94 laps before the swim time ended - we got there a bit late. And then Friday was my first jogging excursion with Kerry, my very excellent teacher and good friend. Jogging is MUCH more pleasant when you start slow in intervals and chat with a friend at the same time. Just saying.

In the move, I don't know where our tape measure is to gauge the size of my tummy, but visually, it has already undergone a BIG change. I am so very very very very very happy to see a change this early. This stomach is the single most important physical protrusion I need to see eliminated in this effort. If I recall (have to go back a few posts), I started at 47" around. Will hopefully post the updated measurement soon.

Weight-wise, I am down about 5-7 lbs, depending on my eating, hydration level and time of day. There will be a big celebration when I get back down under 200. Have a ways to go on that one, but you will certainly hear about it when it happens!!!

Hubby has gone out jogging separately too, two times, and feels better when he goes also. On one hand, I love that when I get moving, he tends to follow suit. On the other, I sometimes wish I had a guy that motivates ME to stay really active. But, you know, it's nice having someone who knows how to chill and is laid back sometimes too. I just need to be a little less easily influenced, and stay on the influencer side of things, right?

In any event, the journey continues to figure out the way to work in mommy fit time. So far, I'm still motivated to head out in the evenings and give up my TV and relaxation time, but I also know I have some obligations to take care of, like I STILL have thank you cards to send out for baby gifts. That's nuts and so I need to make some time for that. Next week's schedule: Monday, jogging. Tuesday, swimming. Wednesday, another volleyball team tryout. Thursday, swimming. Friday, jogging. Weekend, one more jog.

That's a lot of activity, folks. If I can do that, and stick to some good portion control and reasonable food, I should be golden.

How are you feeling these days?

So far - a Me2MILF update

2011-08-09T21:06:00.000-04:00

A slowish start...

I mean, technically I am here on the blog and NOT jogging - some of you may have been wondering (?) - but here's the deal.

I played beach volleyball last night. I didn't totally suck (at the level I was playing). I missed several overhand serves before I finally mustred enough power to get a serve over the net. I usually passed well, I generally set up my teammates well for hitting, and I myself got a couple of ok hits in and a number of hits that were 'just fine'. Not smashes, but hits, where my feet left the ground (slightly). But I also hurt a bone or tendon or something in my foot (doh) and when I got into bed last night, I could barely move my right shoulder and certainly couldn't sleep on it. However I ate reasonable portions and only had a ceasar at the bar after the match (while others had wings and nachos. VERY BIG DEAL for me to have avoided that boobytrap).

Today was another jaunt (yeah, cause that's what I do with two babies - jaunt) to the mall - the New Balance store to be exact - in another (my 4th) attempt to find runners to fit my crazy feet. Didn't have my size in several of the options, and nothing did it for me, so now I must wait for the sizes to be shipped in. Still don't know if they will fit, but at least there are a couple possibilities. I get the pleasure, in the meantime, of returning the two pairs I have already purchased, at two separate locations of course, and trying to start this jogging journey using an old pair of runners that I had bought well before my pregnancy, that used to be too big (but certainly aren't anymore). I think they are cross-trainers too...

So, when my gal pal Kerry messaged to tell me she wasn't up for mushy rain jogging, I was ready to jump at the chance to give up on tonight. I frankly didn't know how I was going to run in my current condition. Oh, and did I mention that the captain of the volleyball team considering me for their roster 'found' gym time tomorrow night, and so I have to suit up to try out for the team? WAAAAAAAAH! Finding this out led to a call I had to place to said captain to, uh, give her a 'heads up' about what she was going to see when I walked through the gym.

I hated making that call.

It's embarrasing to have to apologize for yourself before you even arrive or do anything, but the reality is that the captain, and one of her teammates, know of me only Before Twins, and thus would be shocked to see me now. I felt like they needed to know, in advance, where I am at, what is my plan, and what was the story behind all this. The conversation went well, and I think I conveyed to her clearly that I really just need someone to give me a chance, and I know I'll be right back at it. I've conquered my weight before and I will do it again.

So. Tomorrow is another day, the shoulder will have had some rest and we will see how the foot will perform tomorrow. I get to use those same cross trainers mentioned above (my volleyball shoes are way too small now) to play in, so that's not ideal, and I have no idea where my volleyball pads are. Sigh. Guess I better get off here and go foraging!

Me2MILF

2011-08-07T20:30:00.000-04:00

Ok, so now that I've got the 'woe is me' craptacular piss-fest off my chest, this is the week, my friends. This is the week that I get back on the beach volleyball court (tomorrow night - gulp), start to jog - relying on another friend who 'gets' how hard this will be - and continue on my swimming all in an effort to turn all this around. Yeah, it may only be at half-steam (or less) because by the time 8pm rolls around, I'm exhausted and want to relax on the couch, hit that PVR list button, and sip on a good glass of wine, but it's the only time I have, and I'm going to make it work and just see what happens.

I've been somewhere approximating here before, you know. Those that didn't know me 3 years ago (holy crap - has it been that long already?) will not know that for 2.5 years prior to that, I was a Greco Lean & Fit diehard. I started at about 25lbs overweight, lost 29lbs in 10 weeks and then just kept going, working out three times a week for many many months. I looked and felt great.

This time? I'm, uh, well, let's see now. I don't think I should set a goal to EVER be that light again - not realistic and much of it was based on major dietary sacrifices, and let's be clear - I WILL NOT GIVE UP WINE NOR DELICIOUS FOOD and certainly not permanently. So let's say I am about 35-40lbs away from an ideal weight for my age/time of life. Another major difference? A gap in my stomach muscles that I need to correct, and if not possible to reduce through exercise, then perhaps surgically. And finally? I happen to have no time for leisurely workouts, based on someone else's calendar schedule, and led by awesome trainers. I have a very late time slot and it means I will essentially skip all free evening time, speed through dinner and get to bed later than my normal time. I'm gonna do it, 'cause that's what it's gonna take.

So when I can, I will post updates. Yes, I happen to have a before shot of my torso, and will spare you that shot until I have a good comparison to put up against it, okay? (you are most welcome) I will also be posting on the Losing It in Ottawa Facebook page, and on my Twitter account - this will keep me motivated and accountable. I welcome and and all help, words of encouragement, and even mild chastising if the situation warrants, okay? Look for the #losingitottawa hashtag, and for my newly adopted mantra #Me2MILF hashtag.

Maybe one of these days I'll get the 'looks' again...

Big, for me, is not beautiful

2011-08-06T23:00:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged for awhile. I've started and stopped many times. I have drafts, then don't... I just can't take y'all to where my head is sometimes right now. Wouldn't be prudent, and certainly wouldn't be my normal positive outlook posts.

So I'll start small. I'll talk about some of the things that truly suck about my current physical makeup.

A) No matter how hot, I have to wear spandex shorts under my dresses to prevent chafing.
B) My hair looks awful pulled back these days - too much chin.
C) I can't wear my wedding band or engagement ring.
D) I can't wear any underwear other than granny panties - they roll down my belly when I bend over.
E) I'm wearing my maternity clothes - still - nine months after birth (See D for reasons as to why other shorts don't work)
F) I've been kicked off my competitve volleyball team, even though it means the world to me to get out, once a week, and feel like a normal adult woman again, and not just Mommy, and connect with what were (are?) longtime friends.
G) It resembles an issue that might be in the family where no matter how hard I try, I might not be able to get rid of my stomach. This is scary, and kinda makes me delay the insane effort it might take to try.
H) I go swimming, and although slower (obviously) than I was when I played university waterpolo, I feel great in the water, only to catch sight of myself in the mirror of the changeroom and think "They must wonder how the hell I can swim like that when I look like this"
I) I know I must start running - nothing else will do - to start on this journey, but more than the effort it takes to train my lungs to handle the cardio, I'm cowed by the thought of everything jiggling and people watching me shuffle along.
J) My self-esteem is in the toilet.
I could say a lot more, but I'll stop there. I find it interesting that I had to go back numerous times to add back in the possessive personal pronoun when I had (protectively perhaps) switched unconsciously to the impersonal 'you'.

Ok. I'll hit publish soon, but not before I say this. I am so very very happy with my life, my girls, my incredible fortune. I recognize that I must summon something inside of myself to rally against the dark thoughts, self-pity. I even get down on myself for feeling this way, when there is so much to be happy about.

And I laugh numerous times in a day. Beautiful, sweet, giggly good-natured twin babies have that effect on one...

And then I smell them

2011-07-13T21:22:00.000-04:00

They scream when I lay them down to change their diapers.

They wait until I look away, just for a moment, then fall - and then scream.

They choose to get hungry at the same time, so that one of them tears my heart out with their plaintive wails.

They rarely work around my schedule (!). We don't make it very many places on time these days.

They poop, and poop, and then poop again.

They drool, oh gawd how they drool.

They fuss, and wail and cry for many many reasons.

And then. Then I lift them up into my arms, bend over them, kiss their heads, and breathe in the smell.

Heaven.

Heading out to Insmill

2011-07-10T22:05:00.000-04:00

FIVE days, my friends, only five days until we get the keys to our new home and pack up the memories, growing pains and amazing times along with the furniture and the knick nacks. That, and move the most precious cargo we will ever have over to their new digs. This is huge. I've been sneaking in a box or two here and there and even took artwork off the wall today, so yeah, it's looking like a move is imminent now!

We bought our little home back in 2003 and moved in when my hubby and I were only dating. I bought it with my own financing, on only my little salary (at the time). We bought it the day it went on the market because we had been searching for weeks for the right place in the right location that fit our budget. Believe me, we knew the minute it came up that we wanted it because frankly? We knew that there was only one or two places in town that had anything close to what we wanted. With already two second showings booked for the next day, and nothing else comparable on the market, somehow or other our offer was accepted on that very night. (We won't talk here about the fact that both of us were living with our parents at the time or about the incident in my car in a parking lot on the Rockliffe parkway.)

We thought we were the luckiest couple in the city.

It's crazy to think of everything we have been through here, and all the memories we created. Marriage, three miscarriages, birth of twins, job changes...and a lot of fun and adventure in between. And yeah, the house itself went through a lot with us as its loving parents, starting with ripping out the main floor carpet immediately, and ending with a new nursery with a lot in between (and a lot you don't immediately see - furnace, air conditioner, roof....I HATE those bills. You know, the ones you just HAVE to pay for but aren't as tangible or pretty or picturesque). Along the way, I blogged about some of the bigger changes. The new kitchen, the new basement, the babies' nursery, our garden/deck. It's fun to look back to see what got us to the point that this was how it presented for sale.

And now we have another home, and more opportunity to make it our own. No, nothing needs to be done to it. It's lovely. But, I am already envisioning the future, and that future has an even better, more personalized kitchen, and new paint colours, furniture and decor. At its centre is a growing, funloving, active family in a wonderful neighbourhood. I can't wait to explore our future in our new home.

Grandma and Grandpa

2011-07-03T11:17:00.000-04:00

What can I say about how special it is to have Grandma and Grandpa here in town, loving the girls, laughing with them, and just generally supporting us in every way? It is simply an amazing feeling, and at times a blessed relief, to know they are there. On days when I know we are going to see them, I feel thankful, relieved and relaxed knowing it will be a smooth and fun day. We are all winning, and that feels good.

So yeah, Grandma and Grandpa are coming over today. We are going swimming, and having fun, and laughing and hangin' out. It's icing on the cake, too, that they are stickin' around so that Daddy and Mommy can have a date night - dinner and a movie (Bad Teacher better be good - we haven't been to a film in AGES).

I love my girls' Grandma and Grandpa. I loathe the idea of them heading to Arizona this winter.

Boo.

It's Crummy

2011-06-29T22:01:00.000-04:00

and mushy

and gooey

and juicy

and sloppy

It's my babies on solid food, and it's quite a scene at times.

Like, for instance, yesterday's dinner. A little bituh mostly pureed chickpea, mix in a bituh asparagus, then add some chunks of watermelon for dessert. Seems innocent, right?

It was a gagalicious puking good time! Heads turning away mid-spooning, itchy nose hand smooshing and accompanying face smear, tight lipped distractedness, sideways grabbiness mixed in with take it in and spit it outtedness. And that was just the chickpea/asparagus mix. THEN came the watermelon and my continuing attempts at baby-led weaning. I cut a nice long piece of watermelon (seemed safeish) for them to try. They still don't naturally bring food up to their mouths, and so I helped them, and they gnawed off small chunks. Well, Hailey did, at least. Alex? Big, open, gaping mouth chompdown, baby. Big girl pieces.

Which led to gagging and then...

it all came up, chickpea and all.

Flash forward to today. The girls both now in their full-body bibs, back to some nice, safe pureed green beans and mushed up banana and blueberry. MUCH BETTER.

What say y'all? How the heck did you get your babies eating bigger, chunkier foods, or, especially for those who succeeded with baby-led weaning, how the heck did THAT happen?

Blogging out loud, but not as loud as I want to

2011-06-27T13:25:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so, I have info and HTML to put a widget onto my blog and link to the Blog Out Loud website, but can't figure out in Blogger how the heck to add it to the side columns of my blog. I hate how it feels to not be able to figure this stuff out, but frankly, with two babies at home, I don't have time if it doesn't work out the first time.

That said, here is the link to the site. I'm fairly sure I can get it to work at least in the confines of this post!

I have to say that I am REALLY excited about this event. I missed it last year, but cannot wait to be amongst all these great local personalities and bloggers, and to showcase one of my favourite posts from the last year. it's a priviledge and an honour. Hope to see you all there to support us and enjoy the fun evening!

My poor little goobers

2011-06-26T22:06:00.000-04:00

If I could take your pain away, oh, I would.

If I could reach in and gently elevate each and every one of your teeth, in a heartbeat I would.

And if I could hold you all day and all night and make you forget your discomfort, I would a thousand times over.

Up until this week, the twins had two little front lower teeth which appeared at just over 4 months old. Back at that time, they were a bit fussy, and then *poof*, out popped their cute little cuspids! (not really cuspids, technically, I don't think, but I like alliteration, and so.)

Now? We have a fourth, even a fifth tooth coming in on Alex, including the big front uppers, and the same are appearing on Hailey. There is no 'bit fussy' right now. Instead? Laughter that changes to painful cries. Smiles that suddenly turn into frowns and watery eyes. And sleep that is characterized by moaning, whining and sleepy cries all night long, punctuated by fearful awakenings, comforting and an exhausted relapse into slumber.

My poor little goobers.

If I could do anything more than what I am already doing to ease your pain...

I would.

Precious Cargo

2011-06-23T20:25:00.000-04:00

Not just anyone can look after my precious babies, right?

I don't know about you, but this daycare stuff, before we have even begun, is emotionally exhausting. I know every single Mom has stories - good and bad - and will identify with me right now when I say it is hard to choose someone to look after your babies as you traipse off to work. I mean, in a way, they are like surrogate parents, but you don't know them, and you have to go on their word (and the word of parents who came before you) that they feed them healthy food, they teach them well, and they keep their cute little heinies clean. And, of course, you pay these people HANDSOMELY to do this.

That said, we think we have finally made our choice. It was hard. We had a second option that we thought was ideal, however when we zoomed in, she was an independent caregiver going against the 'recommended' laws regarding numbers of children and ages of children, and even though the parents seemed to think her care was great, the fact was that she had too many kids, at too young an age, and that didn't sit well with us. Tough choice, though, considering that there would be a $16/day difference between her and the more expensive option we are going with! Think about the money that adds up to over time...whooooo. You can see our dilemma, right?

But you go with your gut and you try not to put a price tag on something so utterly valuable and irreplacable. Whatever it takes.

For the Moms out there starting their search for care, here are some of the resources I found:
CCPRN
DaycareBear
Wee Watch Agency

Kanata-based:
Tiny Hoppers (Kanata North location opening this Fall)
Glen Cairn Cooperative Preschool
Kanata Nursery School (website in development)
Katimavic Cooperative Nursery School
Community Child Care

What others are out there? What have your experiences been? Have you blogged about that first drop-off day and want to share?

Oh, I'll be loud alright!

2011-06-17T22:01:00.000-04:00

I just realized it has been 10 days since I posted. Wow. Busy much?

Let's see. Searching for daycare providers, packing for our move, getting insurance quotes, signing mortgage papers, strollercise, swim lessons, proposals for potential future work, bottles, feedings, diapers, pureed foods....oh my. And yes, playing and having fun with my fun loving girls.

Having a blast, really, if I were to be entirely honest. And to top it all off? I get to read one of the posts from this very blog at the upcoming Blog Out Loud event. I am honoured and very, very excited. You will have to come out to the event, though, to find out which post I am reading....

And now, I must pump for Hailey's breastmilk and head to bed. (And add 'writing a blog post' to my list of to do's...!)

Creepy reality

2011-06-07T21:22:00.000-04:00

It's happening. Slowly but surely reality is creeping back into my daily life.

The day I return to work (albeit part-time) approaches, and certain arrangements are necessary to make. Other professional opportunities are surfacing, bringing this creaky, underused mind back out of park and into first, second gear. And daily life, although mostly still centred on the babies, is also starting to be about other tasks, such as arranging moving details, packing and slowly but surely taking care of Mommy as well as the twins.

I'm pleased about this, but a little wary as well. I know how tiring professional work can be. I also know how tiring being a mommy to twins is. And I think to myself...BOTH? Hmmmm....Good in a lot of ways for me, but also, likely, tiring. And still I wonder how I am going to consistently fit in time for Mommy to work on herself and her needs into what is likely to be a bit of a crazy schedule.

Now, I must insert here that I am WELL aware that this situation? Is not unique or new. Most modern Canadian Moms juggle all the above, every day. I'm just looking at the view from where I am now, and realizing that the short-lived luxury of time off work with a focus solely on the babies is quickly falling away to be replaced by all the above in addition to a heavy focus on the babies.

How do you all do it? What are your tips and secrets? Where do you feel you compromise and what generally gets the short end of the stick, in your mind?

And finally, let's all say it again in unison; "life is just one big adventure"...ain't it?

3 months, 6 months, 12 months...

2011-05-30T20:38:00.000-04:00

Here's one of those New Mom Advice posts for you...

As a new Mom, you will have too many clothes for your baby/babies! New, gently used, splurges and consignment or hand-me-down, I have learned the hard way that you NEED to 'manage' your babies' wardrobes!!! Month after month, day after day I unearth outfits that the girls never wore, but that are now too small for them, or are too wintery, or whatever! And it's upsetting that I didn't have a chance to put these cute and lovely little pieces on the girls!

So. Here's what I have to offer, that I did wrong on the first go-around.

1. I decided to fold and place a LOT of clothes into the dresser drawers I had, sometimes placing up to 5 outfits, tops, bottoms or whatever on top of each other inside each drawer, eventually stuffing each drawer with clothes. For obvious reasons, the clothes at the bottom were usually forgotten.

2. I decided to fold and place clothes of varying ages into the drawers, with (what seemed a good idea at the time) the littlest clothes in the top drawers, the 3 month clothes in the middle ones and 9-12 month clothes in the bottom. Again...too stuffed, and why have clothes in drawers that don't fit the girls? Pack those away, and spread out only the clothes that fit them NOW. If you see them, they will end up wearing them!

3. Here's a GREAT tip. In my quest to organize this little house for the arrival of the twins, I did a LOT of packing up of anything that we didn't immediately or often need. Bin after bin got packed. Bin after bin got loaded into a newly-created mezzanine in the garage (fancy word for overhead storage area). Ultimately? I have no bins left to pack up clothes that don't fit the girls anymore! So what's the tip, that I got from a girlfriend of mine who has way too many baby clothes to deal with herself? Take your diaper boxes (or other small boxes, but these make the most sense) and pack up the overflow clothes into them, labeling them by the age of the clothes inside them. That way it's easy to ID the baby clothes boxes, and when you have friends looking for clothes, you can pull them out and take them over, and when you are ready to consign, they are also ready to go.

Oh, and just as an aside, have you seen the closet we created in the nursery for the girls? If not, take a look:

We took off our closet doors (those crappy cheap slidy things) and made some custom curtains. Bought the rods at Home Depot, and the shelving solution at IKEA. We connected the shelves to each other and then the wall, and used three small rods for clothes hanging, with the idea that when the girls grow, you can remove the middle rod to hang the bigger clothes. I will be sad to leave all this behind, but the new house already has custom inserts and so this stays with the house. But. It's been a great and practical organizational solution!

What do you do to stay organized? What are you doing with the superfluous little pieces of clothing? And where do you consign with the best payout and purchasing history?

Losing it - Getting angry with myself now

2011-05-28T11:04:00.000-04:00

Okay. False start. Totally. Thank gawd there is no limit to the number I am allowed, but hopefully I will get out of the gates sooner rather than later. I THINK I am building momentum.

A few weeks ago I blogged about this great seminar I took at Kangaroo Fitness to help me understand the work needed to reduce the diastasis recti issue I have since giving birth to the twins. Today is SUPPOSED to be a follow-up workshop to see our progress and discuss the next stages of the workouts/exercises.

HA.

I have made at best some half-hearted attempts to do the stomach exercises. I have put on the splint and worn it so few times I could count on one hand. #FAIL - I have totally failed myself.

I ask myself why. I have a LOT of excuses (covered that before), but I think mostly I just don't know what I want to do when. For example, I know that I can try to mend the diastasis, but it won't look all that much different from now if I don't drop some of the weight I have gained over the past couple of years. I also know that dropping weight requires eating fewer calories and altering the nature of the food I am eating, but there is another but. My breastmilk supply goes down if I eat less, and so I feel like I need to make a decision on when I intend to wean, but am waffling on this; I just don't think I am ready yet. AND if I decide to eat just as many calories, but make them uber-healthy ones (which MIGHT do the trick, although I'm not sure it would), we'd have to be MUCH more organized in our daily meal-planning, which takes more time than I think I have - or rather, I could do that, but then fitting in the exercises etc every day become even harder.

Yeah. And so what? It's not easy losing weight, Pam! I'm getting angry with myself for the excuses. For the laziness. For finding every reason NOT to proceed and make things happen - and every reason why we need to order pizza tonight or pick up McDonalds today because, you know, it was a BUSY day and we just HAVE to eat, right? If we make something now, well, boy, it will be 9pm before we get dinner!!!

So. Am I ready? Can I make this happen? I'm going to the workshop today to hopefully get inspired by all the women who HAVE put in the work and are making changes. I'm also going because I am embarassed and I would usually just beg off and say I'll try get up to speed and then come see the intructor. And I'm going because Susanne, said instructor, cares and wants to help me work out some solutions or answers to my 'excuses'. Bless her heart.

She has her work cut out for her. That is all.

Help - do you have some motivating words for me? A story about your issues and efforts? How are you/aren't you motivated?

A great play day

2011-05-17T20:57:00.000-04:00

Daddy stayed home today. We had no showings, thus the house was our own (not that we want no showings, mind you, but...silver linings, you know). We had FUN.

Lots of laughs. Lots of smiles. Lots of happiness. Life is good.

That is all.

Here is what that looked like:

And then the ball cap came out...

Supreme sustenance - super solid foods!

2011-05-16T12:55:00.000-04:00

You may recall that I introduced solids to the girls about two weeks ago - just a little rice and oatmeal cereal - and that we captured it on camera and video. It's such a BIG DEAL when you really think about it - these milestones are so emotional for Moms, aren't they? Hailey, as with most things, was so serious!

And today, I made their first real foods. I'm excited to be able to make their food from scratch and there is so much to choose from! What to start with? Well, I thought we'd go standard and cook up some carrot and some broccoli. We even have this cool little storage tray with inserts for baby-size portions. Fun!

So colourful. That's how you know it's healthy!

And so I tweeted out my first forays into this new stage and posed the question - what else should I look at introducing? - and got great suggestions. Banana, sugar-free apple sauce, avocado (yum), sweet potato, squash, peas, etc. I also got a very funny link from my friend Dani who wrote a blog post about HER first attempts at making her baby's own food. Thought I would share. Nothing quite that exciting happened here, I'm afraid...

So. What else did you introduce? What are your suggestions? Oh, and how did you all handle the new and fabulous olfactory-stimulating presents awaiting you at the other end? Holy crapola (pun entirely intended)...!

Losing it - Week What?

2011-05-13T20:12:00.000-04:00

I'm losing it, alright...losing momentum. losing steam. losing motivation. Maybe even losing myself...

I can't believe that I am THAT mom. The one who looks at herself and can't be bothered. The one who has a lot going on in her life, and thus uses all of it as an excuse to stubbornly ignore how much she hates her body (and doesn't do anything about it but sabbotage it).

You see, I have worked hard in the past to lose weight. I know how ridiculously hard it is. And now, I have this strange belly that I can't be sure I CAN get rid of. This, by the way, is a very deep-seated fear. I watched my mom work out every day for decades trying to get rid of her belly. I watched her try to find clothes that looked good on her. I was always so happy I didn't seem to have that issue...

I have that issue.

I also recently went to an incredible seminar hosted by Suzanne at Kangaroo Fitness about how to repair my diastasis recti. It's AMAZING the tranformation that is possible. Possible IF one works their stomachs off doing crazy amounts of daily exercises and changes their lifestyle to roll off of couches and out of beds, and never bends over to pick things up, or gets on all fours to do things. Try doing that with twin babies folks. I still haven't figured out how the hell that would work. And the exercises? Painful due to my serious lack of any core muscles right now. Crazy hard. And there is a follow up workshop I have to show my face at in two weeks. I also have a splint that is also uncomfortable. Maybe it would be less so if I wasn't so damned big, but I'm not starting from the greatest waist measurement, ya know?

And what's crazy is that I am unhappy while being totally happy. How does THAT work? I love everything about my life right now, except how I look.

But sometimes? That's enough to ruin my day, or cast a pall over the great moments. And that sucks.

Not sure what I want with all this boo hooing, but I just felt like getting it down and admitting my issue. I THINK at some point I will hit that wall I hit the first time I decided to get fit, and get down to business, but at the moment, I just look in the mirror and am overwhelmed knowing how much work I have ahead of me.

I need a posse, I think. Thoughts from my blog gallery?

Don't blink or you'll miss something!

2011-05-11T19:39:00.000-04:00

Phew! Things are really moving. Monday was our new home inspection - went splendidly. You know you got a good home when the inspectors are just listing off a few "if you want to do A, you can extend the life of B" and that is it! I spent the bulk of the time snapping photos because I had the chance! Here, a few of the faves. Hmmm...where to start? Outside?

The back yard (replete with path to the park behind and a water feature)

The kitchen and family room

Main floor laundry (so awesome - and washer/dryer included)

Foyer, formal living room, dining room and powder room

The fabulous staircase...

And the upper balcony (with a great view of the Bank, and afternoon sun for tanning and sipping wine - you know, while Daddy is playing with the girls...)

Upper level - what is soon to be the baby's nursery (with two big windows, seating area, closet insert)

The second bedroom - soon to be the girls' playroom. Thinking we HAVE to make a window seat with storage for the bay window for them...what a great place to read! (wall to wall closet insert with shelves etc. in here too)

Upper hallway from one end and double-door entrance to the master!

The master (and closet, and ensuite - finally!!! - with a soaker tub - ahhh!)

And finally, the basement with 4th bedroom (with its own walk in closet) and...a workshop! Mamma likes that a lot! The pool table doesn't come with the house...but will become another play zone for the girls.

So. That's a lotta great living space, eh? We are so excited, we can't tell you. And now...well, as of today we are listed on MLS and have the for sale sign on the lawn. Come hither, all you needy first homey types!!!!

If you know anyone looking for an amazing starter home, send them here!

And...wish us luck. Hope we don't need it!

Squee! - We got a new home already

2011-05-07T19:40:00.000-04:00

And, of course, are in chaos trying to get our current home ready to sell!

But first, the fun stuff! We chose an agent and bought a house in the same day. Yup - nice, easy paycheque for them, however they DID come through with some great finangling for us to allow us to get the place (and having cute twin babies show up on the doorstep when the current owners were still there MAY have helped too)! On a home that had already had two offers, one above asking, and with another SIX agents asking to be notified if an offer comes through so that their clients can have a chance to respond, we somehow managed to secure this home for 6K less than asking, with washer and dryer included, and not have any other offers (i.e. 2 hour window, so no time to let the others know).

Yah, I know. I'm lucky. This is the second house I have gotten in this manner, when it easily could have gone to competition. I can't explain it, and I don't ask questions. Just know that we are ecstatic, the house is gorgeous, is in a primo location, and will make us very, very happy for a long time!

In other news, we now have to focus on selling our home quickly. Gah. With two little babies at home (and knowing the very reason we are moving is because there is no space for anything anymore), ya gotta know that means a LOT of work to clear the home, clean the home, and get it 'showing ready'. In short order too because if we don't list next weekend, the following weekend is the May 2-4 weekend, and THAT isn't any good for selling. So this means chaos, and a lot of urgent work. In fact, I shouldn't be writing a post at all.

But I had to share.

More details to come. Inspection on Monday and I'll take lots of pictures to share!!!!

The military brat in me is VERY EXCITED

2011-05-03T19:24:00.000-04:00

This is because, my friends, we have decided to call it quits on our little home oasis in lieu of a more spacious bigger, fatter cousin. Loyalty has been there for a number of years now, but with the surprise of two new little sweethearts at home, we have quickly outgrown the limited space.

And that, my dear, makes this military brat a very happy camper indeed. Given that I have moved around all my life, and adapted constantly to new environments, it is simply not in my nature to endure the same living environment once it has become stale. This is by far the longest I have ever lived in one home, one space, and I am frothing at the mouth in anticipation of the excitement of the hunt for the best next option!

So tonight we meet with agent option #2, as last night was agent option #1, and soon - oh so very soon - we will launch into the hunt, list our house, and have some renewed adventure in our lives (because, ya know, it's been rather dull the last couple of years...). Oh goooodie!

We've already started to purge in anticipation, and my stove, thanks to grandma? Spotless.

More to come on this very cool endeavour...

6 Months - Solid fun

2011-05-01T20:59:00.000-04:00

First, a quick update on the 'togetherness' project. MOST nights, it's a success. They go to sleep easily, they sleep through the night, and yeah...they wake each other up at the same time in the morning. However...it has proven not to be TOO much of an issue, as at least one is more progressed in their hunger than the other, and I can usually satisfy one hungry tummy before the next is begging for nourishment. That said, the toughest challenge has been the fact that their schedule is so close for the rest of the day! There have been a few too many instances without Daddy around of 'baby bird nest', where I feel like I only have one worm but two wailing beaks...and that's not fun. But I guess that's the way twins are. When Daddy or a second adult are around, it's a breeze, and fun, and when I'm alone with them, it's generally great, but admittedly challenging, and sometimes upsetting and frustrating. And there have been a couple of rocky nights, and instances of one setting off the other, which is hectic when it happens - especially in the middle of the night.

However. My babies are SIX MONTHS OLD, people! Holy cow, how did THAT happen? Just yesterday we gave them rice cereal, their first solid food, ever. They gulped it down like pros. My little Alex is emulating Mommy and 'chewing' when I am eating now, reaching for the food I have in my hands. Hailey, my picky milk drinker, had no trouble whatsoever with the food. So cool. So momentous. So....ah hell...upsetting! I want my babies to stay babies! Does anyone ever talk about the push/pull feelings moms go through as their children grow? Especially when they know it is their last kick at that can? It's crazy!

Here, a couple shots and a video of Hailey and her meal (Alex's photos are on the big camera, and I haven't had a chance to download and reduce their size):

Lots of fun times, change and adventure on the horizon, my friends - and sometimes, it's gonna be messy!

Togetherness

2011-04-25T12:36:00.000-04:00

The big experiment began on Friday night, the start of an extra long weekend for our family. What was the experiment? Reuniting our two little babies to sleep in the same room. Seems crazy, and very much counter to what I had, from the time I found out we were going to have twins, envisioned, but just because of circumstances, we have alway slept Hailey and Alexandra in different rooms. Whether it was because Hailey was just out of the hospital and on a strict 3 hour schedule, or because Alex could be really loud and we thought there was no way Hailey would sleep through the cacaphony, the biggest reason was that I just didn't want both babies waking each other up all the time, at the same time. This is because I never did succeed at getting them both to breastfeed, and so tandem feeding is not possible, meaning that one of the girls will always have to wait while the other gets her meal, and that just didn't seem like a pleasant way to start our day, ya know? Screaming babies tend to put a damper on the festivities.

So what has happened in the last three nights? Exactly what we predicted - they both get each other up at the same time every morning. And so, today, on the eve of hubby going back to work, I face the reality that starting tomorrow I will be juggling two hungry babies every morning at the same time. Time will tell how that will go, but I guess the babies will eventually just have to learn that life just isn't cushy and gratification isn't instant in our world. A good lesson, I suppose, but a little hairy for Mom to teach.

But. They are together now. They can chat in the morning (eventually) and take comfort in knowing the other is always nearby.

So sweet.

Week Three - Losing it Ottawa

2011-04-22T20:36:00.001-04:00

Quick post - down one more pound. No big changes, except to say the weather has finally turned, I think, allowing me to escape forth out of my funk and into an outdoorsy, sunny frame of mind to get MUCH more exercise and feel much more inclined to eat a salad over, say, tonight's insanely delicious Onion Leek soup with Sage and Cheddar a la Jamie Oliver.

I don't know about you, but if the weather is dreary and sleet is falling from the sky, I reach for blubber-generating goodness. 's'all I'm sayin.

Went for a 2 hour jaunt with two other moms of twins today - felt great. More to come, and the Chariot will get used in a big way next week. I promise myself this much!

How are you doing?

Losing it - Week Two (um)

2011-04-16T17:15:00.000-04:00

Weeellllll....

Week two of Operation Mummy Tummy is under my belt (what belt? I have a belt that fits? That's news to me!) and it was, uh, um, kinda a step backwards, but you know...slow and steady and all that jazz, right?

There were a couple of "What are we having for dinner" / "Ugh, I dunno...pizza?"-style nights. There were other, jeez I'm tired nights where I just ate whatever. And the weather conspired to make it a very inactive kinda time period.

So, yeah. I gained back a couple of pounds.

However in other news, something strange happened to my already strange 'formerly known as a bellybutton' this week, and I THINK it was a natural repair happened. It has been incredibly sore, but it looks more like it used to, and it feels like there is solid material (like cartilage) behind it. Not sure if this would be caused by the extra workouts/walking I have been doing, or the natural progression of my body's efforts to repair itself post-pregnancy, but I'll take it!

I'm also happy that I chose on one evening to PVR a show in order to head out for a fast walk to the drug store to mail an envelope. It was a good cardio trip, and I even, under the cover of night (absolutely required, I assure you), tried to jog a little bit. It was a heavy, cumbersome shuffle, and little teeny bones in my foot were protesting, as were my knees, but I did a bit of it, in any event. I have a long way to go.

And I know. I sound like I am 500lbs. The picture I paint is gruesome compared to the reality. But honestly? This is how it truly feels to try to jump in the air, jog or whathaveyou. It's CRAZY the effort it feels like it takes to get my feet off the ground. But I'll get there, I really will.

Also of note is that this week I was contacted by a woman who was recently certified to train in the Tupler technique mentioned in my last Losing It post. She will be offering a seminar in May, but more than that, she is interested in a before and after shot for her site. I'm definitely contacting her. I need her input to help me get motivated to do these exercises, and I really want to know how to do them properly. Should be interesting. More to come on that soon.

So. Week three beckons. How will I do? Well, we shall see. The weather needs to cooperate, first and foremost.

How are you doing?

Blog posts from the shadows of a new Mommy mind

2011-04-11T14:02:00.000-04:00

The unexpected has happened. Both my girls fell asleep for a nap at the same time today, and given the moodiness of the day (and the fact that Daddy is home today so HE agreed to clean out the tub - I suspect because he wanted to try out our 'Magic Eraser' bought for just such a purpose recently *hmmmm....perhaps this could be a strategy moving forward to solicit more housework from said husband...*), I decided it was once again time to tackle my mountainous list of thank yous to send out. In doing so, I uncovered a list of blog post titles I took the time to jot down in the first days after the twins were born, in the perfectly naive hope that I would ever have the chance to sit down and write them out for posting. I find the list a pretty funny read:

1. Milk - the Mini-Series (featuring the Nipple Ninja)
2. What Gas Leaks are Good Things (I actually wrote this one up - so proud)
3. What the F**k is a Woombie?
4. No two stories are ever the same (stories of CHEO, parenthood, and life)
5. Three! Three GLORIOUS Poopies!!! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
6. The P-Bomb has detonated, leaving few survivours (still hope to get this one written up someday)
7. Goober, Fussy McFussesalot, Sweet Pea, Cutiepie and Sweetheart
8. Phantom Belly Tales and Other Creepy Things (I reference this in a recent post)

What's in your tomb of unwritten prose? How many blog posts have you conceived of, but not executed? Started but not finished? Wanted to do, but were afraid they were too revealing/personal? And...do you self-edit?

Losing it - Week One

2011-04-10T21:31:00.001-04:00

First, let's just chat briefly about how awesome it is to have grandma and grandpa living for the next 7/8 months here in town. It's so great. So very wonderful. They love it, the babies love it, and this Momma loves it. 'Nuff said.

Movin' on.

This past week (the first after my first 39th birthday) was week one of my Losing it in Ottawa / Mummy Tummy extravaganza. How did I do? Well, I lost about 5 lbs, and, it seems, already a few inches! My starting weight of 215 or so was down to 208. My bust down from 45 to 44", my waist down from 47 to 45.5", and hips down .5" to 45.5. Still a ways away from a lovely hourglass figure, but a start, nonetheless.

Also, it must be said, I am still breastfeeding. Why does that matter? Well, given my supply issues (we all know them by now, right? If not, you can see this post, or this one, or even this one for some details), and the fact that they say you 'burn' an extra 500 calories a day per baby while breastfeeding, I figure I can't drop my eating down by much, because I will then risk reducing my milk production. Actually, I have to say that I did notice a decrease this past week, and so I may have to bump it back up a bit to be sure that I don't sacrifice what's more important at this particular moment. I have many more months to come when I am not breastfeeding to get back to a small portioned grazing routine again. And before anyone asks, no, I don`t know yet when I will be weaning and stopping breastfeeding. I just know I`m not ready to stop yet. And that`s just fine for now...

My Diet

So what have I done about my eating? Well, cut out most of the refined sugar, for one. That wasn't helping anything, except my mood, somewhat perceptively, for a small period of time, multiple times a day. I never had a sweet tooth before the babies, but they say that breastfeeding stimulates the desire for sugar. Who knew?

Also, meals became less processed immediately, more about meat and veggies (protein and vitamins) and sauces reduced. All of a sudden last minute meal ideas no longer included Gabriel's Pizza, where our account must be flagged as 'frequent customers' because we often get free, unexpected drinks with our orders?!? Uh...oops.

Snacktime was the most drastically altered, though. Gone were the chips and fatty dips to be replaced with my favourite substitute, Roasted Red Pepper Dip and homemade, unoiled whole wheat pita chips. Want the recipe? Here it is:

Roasted Red Pepper Feta Dip

2 Large Sweet Red Peppers
¾ cup Crumbled Feta Cheese
2 tsp Red Wine Vinegar
Pinch each of white sugar & cayenne pepper

Place peppers on greased grill over medium-high heat (or in oven approx. 375/400 degrees) until roasted and skin is charred and coming off. I spray the peppers with oil to assist. Let cool and peel off skin (another tip is to cover with plastic to sweat the peppers – skin peels easier).

In food processor (or blender if necessary), puree together all ingredients.

Refrigerate for up to a week, let stand for 30 minutes before serving for best results. Serve with toasted pita chips.

----------

Exercise was simply getting out of the house for some good, old fashioned walking. In the new warmth. With babies. And friends. That, and just a smattering of Tupler technique breathing clenchy thingies. No, I don't like them. No, I still don't get many done in a sitting, and I certainly have a LONG way to go to get to the FIRST stage of 3x100 of them, 3 times a day. Sigh. Oh well, right? Baby steps (literally).
That is all. Week two, here we go. Onwards and upwards. How are the rest of y'all doin'?

The booby experiment

2011-04-05T16:09:00.000-04:00

So this Saturday I decided to head out all day to a friend's bachelorette party. It was bliss. Limo to the Nordik Spa, R&R there, then limo to Fresco's for dinner. Thought I would be out until 8 or so, given a nice leisurely dinner. 9:30 hit and we had barely placed our food orders yet.

What this meant was that from the time I left the house (12:30) until I got home (10:30) I didn't breastfeed or pump. Well, that last part isn't entirely true - more to come on that later. Call it an experiment to see how 'normal' my poorly producing boobies were, since I hadn't gone any big length of time without at least pumping since the babies arrived.

Here's what happened.

First, the spa was great. Soooo great. It was a beautiful sunny day, and the girlfriends were hilarious - it was great to be out acting like an adult again (well, maybe I was. I'll let my other girlfriends speak for themselves. I'll just say this about that. There were penis cupcakes.) Hot baths and saunas, cold waterfalls, green tea by the fireside....ahhhhh! All was well.

Then, a funny thing happened. All of a sudden *whoosh*. I could feel the tingling and throbbing reminding me quite aggressively that I was supposed to be tied to my child or a pump by now. It came, then went, then came again. And it started to get very uncomfortable.

All very much what I expected.

We went from the spa to Fresco's on Elgin street, but didn't get there until after 9pm. By then, I was participating in the conversation with half a mind, distracted as I was by my big, bloated boobies. And midway through a conversation over bread (and a little wine - I'm not dead, ya know!), I felt it. Wet stickiness under my right upper arm as I reached to dip a piece into our fancy vinegar/oil plate. Uh...okay.

The padded bra and shirt were no match, it seemed, for the river of liquid that was starting to escape from my left boob. This, by the way, is the 'good' boob. We like this boob because it produces the most milk, you see. So it would stand to reason that the confines of my size F boob would not be enough to contain what was now a deluge of milk.

So, what does one do? Time to head off to the bathroom to figure something out.

Women's washroom in use. No one in the single washroom designated for men (so just a normal toilet loo, ya know? Not like I was over a urinal or something), and so I went in. Because it was a single toilet room, I thought to myself, "NOW is the chance to try manual expression of breastmilk. I can do it in the sink. Wonder how this goes?"

And so I stripped of my shirt and lowered my non-nursing bra (another mistake - just because you aren't opening your bra for a baby doesn't mean you won't have to do so for other reasons) and squeezed, rubbed and worked the milk down to the nipple, as I have been told you do. It started as a drop or two. Then...it happened.

Holy hose with leaks out the side batman! Milk on the faucet, milk on the mirror, milk on the floor! I had some cleaning to do. Ah....that felt better, but wait! I nearly jumped out of my skin: someone was pounding on the door. Shit. Now what? Well, they would just have to wait. I had just started to relieve some pressure, and had far to go. Ok. Back to it. More squeezing. More random milkiness. Fun times. Another loud knock. Damn. Ok. What can I do? Well, I got rid of a bit of it. Why don't I just fold a bunch of toilet paper and stick it into my bra and then sop up as much as I can from the wet bra and top? (Note: The only smart move of the day was wearing a VERY busy patterned top). Done.

And I'm out. Walk past a small crowd of men wondering what the hell? and keep moving.

Eat dinner. Try make conversation while focusing on engorged boobs. Leave. Walk through the door and make beeline for pump, shedding top and bra in the process.

The toilet paper was sodden, sticking randomly all over my boob and nipple. Take time to peel and rub this off. Put on nursing bra and top. Aaand...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Relief!

What comes next? I pump more than I've ever pumped before. And thank gawd, because you know what? The experiment proved my fears...sure enough my milk supply went down IMMEDIATELY that night and the next two days until such time as I was able to eat more oatmeal, get back on the pump, and drink my prolactation tea (as well as take my domperidone). Good times.

Such was my experiment. Won't be trying THAT again anytime soon.

Day and Week One of project Mummy's Tummy

2011-04-01T18:41:00.000-04:00

So here we go. Is it a grandios launch? No. Just a stroll with the kidlets with other twin mommies and a bit more health-concious eating, but it's a start. Tonight, I will try to do a few simple ab exercises and see how those go.

Project Mummy's Tummy has now launched.

Opening stats:

Weight (a deceptive) 215 lbs
Bust 45 inches
Waist 47 inches
Hips 46 inches
Upper thigh 27 1/2 lbs

For the record, I plan to take 'before' photos of my bellybutton, my granny panties, and yeah, a full body shot in a bikini (the boundaries are pretty loose in my world, but they are still there!) to post at some point, but I think I'll hold onto them for a little while - until I have an awesome 'after' shot to go with it and save a bit of face.

Until then? That full body shot may end up on the fridge...

39 for the first time (Alternate Title: Mommy tummy time)

2011-03-30T21:16:00.001-04:00

So this is it, then. Turning 39 for the first time tomorrow.

Don't get me wrong, I don't really focus on age and also don't really care how old I am. HOWEVER. For the first time in my life, I am really ~~feeling my age~~. No. Feeling older than my age. I can't do what I want to do. I am physically incapable of doing what I used to do a short time ago. It's upsetting, and it needs to be addressed. Now.

Now, I know that I had twins just 5 months ago, and in the last two years, I was pregnant four times. And yes, I have had many tell me that it takes at least 9 months to recover from 9 months of carrying a child. Just as many have also tacked on: "YOU had TWINS." And a great little book I try to find time to read, Juggling Twins, had the following uplifting statement to make about that:

"Dragging your leftover weight around as those babies move through months and milestones feels a bit unfair, and it may be harder for you to see your cottage-cheesy bum as a heroic player in your kids' well-being. But it is. Well, it was, anyway. Try not to think of yourself as fat, but rather as still in the process of becoming unpregnant."

BUT. I just can't worry anymore about whether or not this tummy is permanent. I want OUT of my maternity clothes. I HATE wearing granny panties, but anything else just rolls when I bend over (kinda like those party noisemakers - you know the ones. Every time I adjust the material up, all it takes is a little movement and WHOOOP, it rolls back down. Right on top of my c-section scar, too, to add insult to injury). And not just ANY grannies. Nooooo. Size 2x ones! Egad! No WONDER I nearly squeel with surprise every time I catch sight of myself naked in the vanity mirror. Vanity? Hell no - I just wanna get rid of this weird deformed belly button, my friends!!!

So. Losing it in Ottawa, here I come. Who else is out there looking to start to shed some unwanted lumpy cheese? Are there other mommies about to start, like I am, to take one foot and put it in front of the other? Want to connect on Twitter, create a hashtag, or just share our journey? Who's got some fun apps for the iPhone to recommend?

Look for more details on what I plan to do, expect some gruesome photos to hopefully inspire a big 'after' reveal, since I will be HIGHLY motivated to erase all memory (yours and mine) of my appearance from this journal, and follow as I toss in some recipes, tips and whatever frustrations I have as I try 'transform' before my 40th birthday.

Last time I did this? It only took me 3 or 4 months. This time around, with two stunningly cute and dependent babies to prioritize, it will take longer. Think 12 months oughtta do it...

And hopefully by next year around this time? I'll be proud to say I am turning 40. 'Cause I'll have the body of a...hmmm....34? 36? 29 year old? Whatever.

All I know is I will be able to wear some lacy, frilly, satiny, thongy slice of fabric again. Without noisemakers.

I just don't give up, now, do i?

2011-03-29T20:54:00.000-04:00

I just can't seem to give up. I keep trying. I keep going after solutions. And now, I keep drinking this gawd-awful tasting prolactation tea in yet another effort to get effortless milk supply in. *Generously donated by Tara at Prolactation to see if it will help - thank you Tara*

So what's that now; a prescription for domperidone, rental each and every month of a hospital grade pump, water water water water water, and the same damn oatmeal every single morning. Sheesh. I hate eating the same food over and over every day. But I've tried going without and believe me, it's a noticeable reduction without the oatmeal!

I don't know who it is that says breastfeeding is the cheap option for feeding your children. All the above adds up in costs and I am still buying and using formula too!

(To be fair, if I had only one child, I would now have enough milk for her, but unfortunately, I still don't have enough for two.)

The babies are now 5 months old, and I am a tenacious, gritty, hell-no I won't go kinda momma.

Now, let me go choke down some more of this tea to see if it will work wonders...

Picky picky picky

2011-03-28T12:23:00.000-04:00

It's the CDH. It has to be. My little one, Hailey, is the most frustrating little eater. Just....arghhh! A little bit here, another 1/2 bottle there. Wasted breast milk all the time, since eventually you have to throw it out. I know I should be patient. She's doing okay, she's gaining weight, but MAN, it is so frustrating! And really, IS she doing okay? Do other parents of CDH babies have so many issues with feedings? I suspect they do...

Another trend that seems to be forming from this is fewer poops. Yes, poops. Doncha know that Moms do nothing but talk about poop? Hailey has recently gone more than two days without a poop (twice now) and it just seems she's getting bunged up more often. I'm not a worry wart, but you do wonder if it's a sign that things aren't functioning as they should in her - majorly reorganized - abdomen.

Sigh.

But in the meantime, let me put down the laptop and pick up the rest of the bottle to see if she'll now take it. It's what a Mom's gotta do. That, and remain patient.

Desert by moonlight - A great anniversary

2011-03-25T21:09:00.000-04:00

You know, with two little babies around 24/7 these days, it was pretty easy not to have given any thought at all to our 3-year anniversary. But, as luck would have it, the idea for a special night dropped in my lap, and I jumped on it.

Our recent trip to Mesa, Arizona was a study in orchestration (more on that in another blog post), and meant that for a good chunk of the trip, my husband was back in Ottawa. However, on the evening of his return to Mesa for the last few days of the trip, a special phenomena was taking place; what they called the 'super moon'. I discovered that a nearby county park (one of the amazing benefits of my parents' location is their proximity to the nearby desert mountains for hiking) Usary Mountain Regional Park was putting on a park ranger-led moonlight hike that night, and it was free.

Now, I don't think there has been a single trip I have taken to Mesa yet that hasn't included a nice, sunny hike, but this time? No go. I was hoping to go with the girls in carriers on an easy hike, but, uh...you'll hate me for saying this but the temperature was too hot for hiking while we were down there! So...enter moonlight hiking!

It was great, and so very romantic. Just the two of us...and about 400 others. But really, it WAS great. Very cool to see the Saguaro cacti rising up against the night sky, and see all the funkier cacti, like the jumping cactus, lit up along the path. The iPhone even managed to capture the scene with the lights of Mesa and Phoenix in the background.

The hike was admittedly short (there were a lot of kidlets and seniors along for the ride), but I really enjoyed the evening, which started off wonderfully at a nearby restaurant which came highly recommended to us, El Rancho Tia Rosas.

YUMMY.

I started with a margarita (of course) and we had the tomales for our appetizer. For the main course, Art chose the traditional fajitas, and I had the seafood enchiladas. Sooo good. Some pix:

And of course, we couldn't stop there. We ordered desserts, and those might have been the best part. We shared the churros (that had custard piped in them and were drizzled with caramel -OMG) and tried Sopapillas for the first time. Soooo goood!

It was a great night. So lovely. So unplanned. Such a treat, with honey on top (of the sopapillas).

A little more like me

2011-02-28T15:16:00.000-05:00

Okay that did it. I just saw Celine Dion on the red carpet. Damn bitch looks the same as she always has. What the hell? She just had twins too, or so I am told?

Sigh.

Yes, I'm tough on myself, but boy, did these two little goobers (and the three prior miscarriages) take a toll on my previously toned body. I've been focused on breastfeeding, and trying to enjoy my girls. I've taken time to fit in housecleaning and laundry. I've even fit in salsa babies and some snowshoeing. But if I am honest? I've been avoiding looking at myself or doing anything about myself.

I feel like crap.

Don't get me wrong - I'm happy as a clam. The joy these two bring to my life is immeasurable, but I've been at the precipice of body reality awakening before. I know this feeling. I know what a huge battle I have ahead of me to tackle getting back to a level of fitness and diet/lifestyle that makes me happy. It's a LOT of work. And I feel defeated at the thought of trying to fit this into the new life I am now leading, you know? Add to this that I think I may have issues with my stomach muscles (see my post under #4 about these issues), and I'm scared that if I don't act now, I won't ever get rid of this weird belly shape I am currently rocking.

I've done it before. I've been trained by the best. I've been a poster child for Greco Lean & Fit losing 29 pounds and 7.5% body fat in 10 weeks. I've worked under former Greco trainer Maryse, who is exceptional and now runs her own business (and, I might add, produces her own great videos and tips).

But it meant strict diet. It meant a heavy level of commitment. And it meant time, that I frankly don't have these days! That said? We head to the sunshine of the desert shortly for 2.5 weeks. I will have the opportunity to swim, hike the mountains, go for jogs if I decide to try, and just generally, I will be able to get active again. Will that be enough? Well, for the time I am there, yes, but when I am back here? Nope. I will have to do those ab exercises (blech) and I will have to turn down the chips, the chocolate, the fast food meals and then figure out how to work all the activity in between time with my baby girls. Not easy.

But necessary.

Oh...so necessary.

I won't look like Celine, but then...I really don't want to. I just want to look like me again. Ya know?

Way back when...

2011-02-26T20:05:00.000-05:00

Things are moving so fast. I want to slow them down. I'm excited by the new developments and dream of all the cool things the twins will soon be able to do, but just indulge me for a moment as I go backwards. I have a slight cold, thus my slight tip toward nostalgia.

The other day, I downloaded photos and videos from our very high-tech and lovely videocamera. I love this camera. So easy to use. However...not so easy to figure out how to format, edit and reduce the size of the videos, so videos will not be posted today. That said, the video camera takes photos. The photos downloaded included many from the day the babies were born.

What do I remember from that day? Panicky fear, extreme jubilation, rising trepidation, fuzzy snapshots of activity, the feel of my baby in my arms and against my chest, the feeling of having my other baby held at arm's length and taken away, helpless to change that fact. I can't even begin to describe the kaleidoscope of emotions that day conjures up.

Here, a few snapshots from that day.

There's nothing more to say. This momentous day will forever be etched in my deepest places, and although these shots are all of my little Alex, both of my little girls are my heart and my soul. I am so very very blessed.

Insights for the New Mom Series - Primping

2011-02-16T21:00:00.000-05:00

I was quickly brushing my teeth the other day and realized I hadn't done a good job of it lately. Cleaning my teeth, that is. And that got me to thinking; had I done a good job of my personal upkeep in general? No. I was always in such a rush, being alone with two babies, that it seemed like the last priority.

But you know what? It shouldn't be. Taking a shower should not be about washing away the bare minimum in order not to smell bad! 'Wiping' down my teeth in a half-hearted attempt to get the obligation out of the way in order to crawl into bed 30 seconds sooner should not be standard practice. Skipping your daily shower and not washing your face should not be in the cards. And landscaping shouldn't be a term now exclusive to the backyard!

Ladies. The baby/babies can wait an extra 5 minutes. If they are in their crib, or their bouncy chair, or their swing, then you can take a little time for YOU. You can allow yourself to take some nice, deep breaths in the shower. Better yet, you can draw a bubble bath and let your husband care for the baby for 20 minutes in the evening. (But in my household we have a horrid bathtub. It's something I really, really miss. I love baths. I want a bath. REALLY want a nice hot soak. Is there a bathtub fairy I can appeal to?) But I digress. Really, you can! And...you can certainly take the proper time it takes to avoid cavities by brushing those molars in rhythmic circular motion well - it's important!

Oh...and while you're at it? Find some time to 'hug' your husband. (I leave it to you to interpret that how you wish to.) Intimacy, even just looking into each other's eyes and having a nice smooch brings you back from baby abyss and reminds you how your love created these amazing creatures. They need it. You need it. The marriage needs it. And the baby/babies will benefit.

That is all. Take care of yourselves ladies!

Please note: The publishers of this blog post don't necessary endorse nor practice the recommendations included herein, but aspire to achieve this state of zen. In actual fact, most days removal of bad odours in indeed the function a quick shower provides, and hair, makeup, 'landscaping' etc. is the stuff of legendary and mythical supermoms.

Hitting my stride

2011-02-16T14:33:00.000-05:00

As a new Mom you get totally sick of hearing the following phrase: "It gets so much easier when they hit 3 months old!".

Well, I'm here to tell you it is totally true! My girls are so friggin' fun now - they are observant, grasping onto things, crying less, eating well, laughing and giggling aaaaaand......SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT. Rare is the night when either of them wakes up to eat, and if they do, you can tell they are going through a growth spurt, and you may benefit from lots of extra sleep through the daytime as a result.

So...all you new Mamas out there? Just hold on! It gets better....

Unless, of course, you are some of the lesser group of poor Moms who have a colicky baby or one that just simply doesn't sleep well. I know some of them, and I don't know how they do it.

But then, I hear women say those words directed at me, and I feel like I am really lucky and have great babies. It's not even all that hard right now. And really? I cannot WAIT until they can sit up and play with each other.

Some new things they do:

They smile IMMEDIATELY when you smile at them.
They grasp onto things easily and don't always let go.
They look at each other and smile or giggle; and
They laugh - especially, it seems, when they see each other or themselves in the mirror. (We got video of this yesterday with Hailey and love it. Such an amazing memory to capture, even if we only caught the tail end of it on video - it took me so much by surprise, since it was her first full on laugh, and it lasted a good minute! Too cute.)

Every day I see new developments - so fun.

Protecting my thoughts

2011-02-11T21:00:00.001-05:00

CANNOT believe I never backed up my blogs before tonight. Such a simple thing to do, I discovered, and how stupid was I to leave it this long? I would be devastated if I ever lost all these thoughts, photos, memories, connections, comments etc.

This is the link that told me how to do it, but really? Go to the dashboard, hit settings, click on 'export' and then export it to save it on your computer. Easy peasy.

If you have a blogger blog, do this. Do it now. And often.

That is all.

Oh, and have a good weekend!

New strategies, tough choices, mixed emotions

2011-02-10T22:12:00.000-05:00

I have decided I have had enough of having my sweet and good-natured baby turn into a screaming mess at my breast. It's time to throw in this towel and have more and better feedings with calm connection and smiles. Thus, with a bit of a heavy heart, I have decided it's time to take my little Hailey off of breastfeeding and keep it to bottles only. Mommy is admittedly sad about this but it's just causing too many challenges and stressing us both out to continue. So with that said, I now am committed to another few months of nighttime pumping, sacrificing uninterrupted sleep so that she can have a mix of breastmilk and formula, since I just really want to try make it to 6 months breastfeeding and/or giving breastmilk to them.

Alex, however, is still a great feeder, so I am able to at least breastfeed her.

But you know what? I just love seeing my little sweetheart looking up at me, drinking heartily, and smiling while sucking her bottle. Surely that is still bonding, and is far better than pleading, manipulating, squirming and crying (by both parties) all in an effort to breastfeed?

I certainly think so.

Have babies, will travel

2011-02-09T18:10:00.001-05:00

It's on, baby. We will be heading down to Arizona to visit grandma and grandpa this spring. Multiple planes with multiple babies. Hubby flying down with the three of us, then flying back home, then flying down again for a few days, then flying back again with the three of us. Are we nuts? Am I crazy? I think I may be, but I also think the trade-off (sunshine, swimming, hiking, seeing my parents) will ultimately be worth it.

Worth what? Well, time will tell, but for starters, getting these two little goobers passports! Not easy when your babies don't even sit up yet! It was so funny dragging them to the mall after a recent outing to a friend's baby baptism. They were tired and getting hungry. Not a great combo for plunking them into a bumbo, holding them in place and expecting them to look with rapt attention at the camera! I only hope the shots won't be rejected, which, by some accounts, happens fairly often with infant photos??? Egad, I don't want to do that again, and frankly, we won't have time, so cross your fingers for us. How did the shots turn out, you may wonder? Hilarious! So funny! And yes, almost identical. But ya know...Mommy can spot the difference!

Other issues we need to work out:
What to bring, and what Grandma and Grandpa can scrounge up for us. Things like: cribs/playpens, pump rentals (still on the fence about how much longer I want to get up throughout the night to pump and supply extra breastmilk...just how long do I want to do this, I keep asking myself?), strollers, bouncy chairs, etc. I think they have scrounged a few items already, but more to work out. Trying to avoid taking any large items save for the car seats.

What we can/can't take with us without another charge - i.e. how many bags will they allow, what extras will they charge for, should/can we check out car seats safely or bring them to the gate with us (and then, correspondingly, what the heck do we do with all the carry on luggage plus car seats when we have to change planes and get to another terminal etc. as well as carry both babes)

What I can/cannot take onto the plane in terms of bottles, formula, breastmilk, water and food for Mommy etc. We currently use concentrated liquid formula and I always mix it with breastmilk...what is going to be allowed without delaying us or causing all sorts of issues? Can I take some icewater to stay properly hydrated (I hate warm water)? Can I bring proper snacks instead of being forced to buy fast food (although frankly? I'm all over fast foods and sugery goodness at any time these days, but it's not the best choice, even if I AM burning more calories each day with breastfeeding).

Am I going to get grief from the flight attendants for breastfeeding or bottle feeding the babies on takeoff and landing to ease the pressure transition issues? I heard there is a real contradiction in terms of the position you have to hold them in vs. how hard it is on their ears if they aren't swallowing something...

What to pack for the time of year down there (but then, that's the ongoing issue for Arizona) because it can be really warm during the day and cold at night, but also because we have to pack for the four of us now, and Mommy's body is insane right now, so clothes don't fit her...(yeah, I'm refering to myself in the third person. Doing that far too often these days, I've noticed.)

What did you other Mommies do? What tips do you have for me? Any recent experience out there?

Luckily there are fantastic people on Twitter like @hvbabywilltrvl and their amazing site with great advice on traveling with babies and toddlers. So many great articles and travel lists to help us get organized. It's a start, anyways!

Ah.....on a day that started with strong biting wind and ended with heavy snowfall, I think we're crazy not to go. Sunshine and tumbleweeds (and pools, tennis, golf and mountain hiking) here we come!!!

Stumbling toward normalcy

2011-02-08T16:10:00.001-05:00

This is it, folks! Tonight I suit up to play competitive volleyball with my women's team. Not sure they, or I, know what we've gotten ourselves into! A few notes about my current status:

a) my feet grew, so I have exactly two pairs of shoes I can wear. Thankfully, one of those pairs are cross-trainers, but they certainly aren't my former volleyball court shoes. I'm very happy that I have two ankle braces, just in case I go over on them.

b) I found ONE pair of shorts that will work for tonight. This is better than I anticipated. I was breaking out in cold sweats (pun not intended originally, but...) at the thought of what the heck I could wear on bottom to play in.

c) There are no jerseys that will cover this stomach right now. I still don't know what I will do, but worse case I will wear a jersey of my husbands and hope they don't charge my team their bond money due to the fact that I don't have a proper team jersey on.

d) I believe I may have an issue with this malformed/odd belly of mine. I think I have diastasis recti, and may even have a herniated belly button. I haven't had time to start to rebuild/rectify this issue. Have no idea how it will impact my ability to play.

e) While I was able to swim during my pregnancy, I generally took it REALLY easy, not only due to my baby Hailey's condition, but because prior we had had three miscarriages, and I frankly didn't want a single reason to point to that may have impacted a fourth. This meant that:

f) It has litterally been a full year since I played volleyball. This is gooonnnnna hurt!

That said? SO EXCITED.

A little closer now

2011-01-31T16:57:00.000-05:00

Haven't blogged much lately - spending a lot of time during the days playing/interacting with my now smiling and gurgling little miracles. What fun they are! The winter may be forcing us to stay indoors (a fact that only SOMETIMES drives me batty), but there's lots of book reading, rattling, dancing, and bicycle legs happening instead.

As the girls approach the big three month mark (this Wednesday!), I snapped a few lovely shots of my little ladies - and got nice n close.

Here is a sampling, alternating shots of each girl...know who is who? (hint: the first baby is Alex...)

Bin 790 - A Mommy Review

2011-01-22T19:57:00.000-05:00

So let's talk about something other than the babies. Well, kinda. Because the only reason I even tasted Bin 790 food is because we had babysitters for the night - our first night out without the babies - and we wanted a nearby restaurant to hit, which in fact was plan B, since I am still dying to see Harry Potter, but the damn thing isn't playing on the weekends anymore. Boo.

But I digress. Bin 790, from a Mommy's perspective? Great get away night restaurant. Fabulous ambiance. Small intimate tables (not great for large groups - in fact, impossible with so few tables). Okay, well, this Mommy had a tough time finding room on her table for the requisite iPhone display area!

Some cool things about the restaurant are that it is a Spanish Tapas restaurant, it has a good wine list and even a selection of wine flights (although no Spanish flights - I would have liked to see that). They had an excellent Spanish Tempranillo/Cab Sauv blend that I ordered by the glass, and they accomodated that even though it wasn't offered by the glass. And, they even had one of my fave desserts - sticky toffee pudding - on offer!

The service was excellent, the prices tolerable (not cheap or overly expensive) and this particular Mom managed to occasional talk about something other than her babies.

However she did NOT succeed in keeping her photos of the babies to herself...the waiter we had has now seen quite a few of them...

So. I give this restaurant 4.5 out of 5 soothers. They lost points only on the slightly uncomfortable seats, a bit of a draft from the door where we sat, and because their Spanish wine list was a little lacking.

For the record, we had the following dishes:
Zambuca shrimp - yummy, creamy, sweet. 5 large shrimp
Bacon wrapped beef tenderloin - sooo good. 4 little bites with a bit of salad on the side
Green curry mussels - good portion size, very buttery and garlicy sauce, but in my books, that's great
Pulled pork areta - one of the best items on the menu; excellent
Ham croquetas - two of them, and delish!
And of course, the 790 antipasto platter. Very frustrated that I forgot to get the names of the cheeses and one of the meats they served us. Wanted to be able to look for them for our own presentation some day. May still ask...

In writing this post, I found this blog...looks to be an awesome source of recipes and info about tapas...

Although we loved our meal, and even had dessert, we were home within 2 hours, and when I took my daughter Alex into my arms, she promptly fell alseep, all cuddly-like. Tapa-what?

Trippy Dippy Times

2011-01-20T21:07:00.000-05:00

Day trips, date nights, and even intercontinental travel - it's all beginning to happen!

Aside from the fact that I try, as much as possible, to get the three of us out of the house regularly, it has to be said that it's an energy draining exercise! Take today's expedition, for example. A first trip out to the office. So proud to introduce my girls to my coworkers and that of my husband. Such a proud poppa. Such a proud momma. Such a peaceful, sedate and special time...

Yah, it was special alright! Let's see. Poop bombs, monumental spit-ups, leaky boobs (yes, really, I forgot the breast pads, and ended up with a very dark, wet circle over my right boob) and a special - there's that word again - trip to the store by my coworkers to buy (yes, buy) a new outfit for the second twin, since the first had soiled her original outfit so bad that she already took the backup clothes and left nothing for the Spitup Queen. And that was just at MY former office...

What have I learned? That my diaper bag, although great, will not house all the supplies I need for a day trip. Also...I need to take a look at myself before I leave the house and make sure, you know, that I won't have obvious and strange side-effects visibly prevalent to all around me at awkward times. Aaand...perhaps it was ambitious to try hit two offices on the same day when I still have issues with breastfeeding and satisfying my little sweethearts.

I also infered - quite correctly I'm sure - that travel of a more elaborate nature will require some HEAVY planning. Such as the trip down to Arizona to visit Grandma and Grandpa this spring. I'm going to start thinking about how to coordinate and plan for it all now! Got tips? Know of websites that help? I know they exist...

Also of note...and speaking of getting out...tomorrow night is the first night I will be without either or both of my babies for any time - it's DATE NIGHT and we have a friend and her daughter coming over to babysit. A big moment. Wonder what that will feel like? What did it feel like the first time you left your baby home with a sitter/family member?

Trippy, I bet!

Slaphappy quiches and more breastfeeding woes

2011-01-16T12:44:00.002-05:00

I want breakfast options...savoury breakfast options, and so this morning I quickly slapped together what I think are quiches. No, folks, I have never made a quiche before - it's not my first choice - and I didn't have time to be painstaking. Thus, I looked up 'quick quiche crust' online, slapped that together. I doubled the recipe, ripped it in half, dumped it into a pan, and instead of rolling, pressed it into the pans. I don't think I have enough dough (barely went up the sides) and it looked awful, but whatever, right? Babies were fussing already in the playpen and I wanted to get it done! Then, I 'guessed' at what the egg mixture should be, what the milk ratio oughtta be, and dumped a bunch of other ingredients in it. Ham, asparagus, cheese, onion, mushroom and red pepper. A real mashup.

They are in the oven. I have no idea if they will work out. Should be interesting.

Also interesting (or not, if you are sick of hearing about it) is the ongoing breastfeeding struggles. Some days I wish I was just bottle feeding them. Some days I hate breastfeeding. Some days I wish my baby hadn't been stuck in CHEO, stuck with so many tubes in her mouth, stuck until released to try learn to breastfeed after almost a month. And then other days I love breastfeeding. As I've said before, it's the hardest job I have ever done.

Yes, I continue to struggle in two big areas. One, I continue to have flow issues. I don't have enough milk to satisfy my very voracious Alex, and certainly don't have enough left over for Hailey, whose suck is very light, very ineffectual, and who delatches if the letdown is too heavy, leaving Mommy to scramble and sop up the flowing milk pouring all over my clothes, the couch, the babies. It's good times, I tell you.

And now, as you know from my last post, I have a baby who loves to hate breastfeeding. There's no telling if she will latch and when and for how long, and if she will instead freak out, crying that wailing "I'm so angry" way and beating her little fists against my breast. It's NOT COOL when your baby is that upset.

But still I persevere. And eat quiche. And ask for, and get, help. Thank god for the help. You are all fantastic resources and cheerleaders.

This morning, we had lovely skin-to-skin time in the ongoing effort to make this not only work, but make it enjoyable for all. It was lovely...pix to come.

Starting over - Another round of breastfeeding training

2011-01-11T18:04:00.000-05:00

So this morning I took my daughters to an appointment at the hospital with an ear, nose, throat doctor who specializes in frenectomies. That is, she snips the little band of skin under the tongues of certain babies who have what they have nicknamed 'tongue-tie'.

First, can I just say that getting them fed, cleaned up, MOMMY cleaned up, packed up and out the door in time for a morning appointment is suicide with one person? I got er' done, but we were a few minutes late, needless to say...

Back to the procedure. A teeny bit traumatizing. Blood coming out of your babies' mouths is never fun to see. They were upset. I could only hold one baby to breastfeed/soothe at a time. Thankfully I had Daddy with me (good call Mommy!) and eventually we got them settled down.

Now the fun really begins...again.

By again, I mean that I feel like we have a clean slate again and it's time to give it one last college try to get my milk in at the level I need, get my two little girls feeding on the breast almost exclusively (I will never eliminate the bottle completely - are you crazy? A little potential freedom is necessary my friends!!!), and see if we can get to the point where I can tandem feed. This little last point is a biggie.

Why? Well, because when you are by yourself at home, there are inevitably many times during the day when both girls are fussy and hungry at the same time. It is not fun to know that you are picking and choosing which babies to make happy first, and leaving the other to cry. Not fun at all. I'd understandably like to eliminate this from my daily diet.

Now, a few hours after the procedure, I have an inconsolable baby on my hand. Both, actually, have been highly fussy, but I'm being rejected by poor little Hailey, and in fact, she won't take a bottle either. Nothing in her mouth at all, actually. She's angry, she's upset, she's red and blotchy and has tears streaming down her face - she's fed up. Just totally over being poked, prodded and cut. Mommy feels rejected, helpless and unable to help her baby. It's been a long afternoon...

Thank god for Daddy who came home, calmly rocked her, soothed her and has, after a good chunk of quiet time (and a little bit of baby Tylenol), succeeded in getting her to take the bottle I had prepared a good hour ago...She's taking it now, and I can feel the tension seeping out of my shoulders. Man, I am emotional these days...

This breastfeeding stuff, I have already said, is the hardest job I have ever taken on in my life.

I hope tomorrow is better, and every day after that is better and better. I really want this to work...

Connectivity and cool people

2011-01-10T17:07:00.000-05:00

So a few weeks ago I caught a tweet from a twitter contact that said something to the effect of "I'm in the Christmas spirit. I will give a free photo shoot to the first person who replies."

To which I, of course, replied..."am I too late?"

This woman, @cornPuppies on Twitter, agreed to come to our home (house call !) and take family shots of the four of us using natural light. All I can say is WOW. She took some incredible shots, and even one or two flattering shots of my husband and/or I - a feat that not many people can claim they have managed!!! What's really incredible is that she just loves photography as a hobby and doesn't want to move into any sort of paying gig, so this is sheerly for her fun - and our very appreciative benefit!

I have added some of the shots to the photo slideshow on this blog, but here are a couple faves:

More to come, as she is willing to come again and again to snap some photos as desired. I will surely take her up on this.

I cannot understate how beneficial it has been, for a variety of reasons, to be connected to wonderful people on social networks. It amazes me that anyone would NOT be on here, meeting great brains, lovely comedians, local artisans and personalities, and friends. It's truly a rewarding experience.

Insights for the New Mom Series - Anxiety

2011-01-05T18:31:00.000-05:00

So, although not overtly intended to be advice, a lot of my recent posts could easily serve to help new expectant mothers (and especially mothers of multiples) prepare for what is to come. I thought that here and there I would expressly write posts that detail experiences that I imagine can be universal, or unexpected, or issues that can crop up that would have been good to know beforehand.

Such as...anxiety.

I just never really gave much thought to how I would feel after the babies arrived in terms of stress or facing the challenges. I DID worry about post-partum depression, but other than that, you just think "It'll be hard but so wonderful to finally be a Mom!". But here's the thing. I bet even the most experienced former babysitters who thought they would be 'naturals' at child-rearing have experienced anxiety in the early days.

What do I mean by anxiety? I mean a full-on panicky feeling onset by a lack of sleep, fear of what lies ahead (like a long sleepless night when you are already exhausted, for instance), or feeling overwhelmed and knowing that there will be NO MORE relaxing, long sleeps or freedom from having a baby to worry about. Yes, you are ecstatic to have successfully given birth to a (hopefully) healthy baby, but you have to face the emotions that you will feel when deprived of sleep, overwhelmed at the tasks ahead, and feeling like it won't end anytime soon.

And, I have to say, that these feelings come in full partnership with guilt for even thinking this way, and cause a LOT of stress that both you and your baby feel...and...it will affect your breast milk production. A vicious circle.

But it gets better. Don't think about the distant future. Just think about the hour to come and how the babies are happy and healthy and doing fine, and so are you. Try to relax and know you are doing a good job. Try to get help so that you can take a bath, or catch a nap, or go for a walk to get some fresh air.

Relaaaaaaaaax.

And if you can't relax that night, then know that it gets easier, you get more accustomed to being a Mom, and yes, you will actually start to enjoy the demands placed on you and feel more than competent to handle them.

Eventually.

Cat got your tongue, or just tied it up?

2011-01-04T22:08:00.000-05:00

The challenges, trials and learning continue re: breastfeeding my little girls. The latest challenge now is tongue-tie. Yup...we think little Hailey may also (on top of her crazy first month of life and her ongoing struggles with reflux or aspiration or whatever is going on inside her little body) have an issue with her latch/sucking ability.

This means that all my efforts to bring in my milk enough for two, put them both on the breast and satisfy them is not truly working. And the worst part is that not only is there an issue with Hailey not getting enough milk when she sucks, but also with her ability to help Mommy cultivate more milk.

So. More strategy. We are heading to another La Leche League free multiples breastfeeding group meeting tomorrow, hosted by my excellent lactation consultant, Beth, to have her have another look-see. Then we have a meeting with our family doctor on Thursday. (OK, correction, we have our 2 month appointment for the girls, and all parents know what this means...it's vaccine day. NOT looking forward to this. Two upset babies. Ugh. Not to mention sticking my precious littles. But it has to be done, and compared to what we saw Hailey go through...) With our family doctor, we will further determine how to proceed, but likely we will want to fix this issue asap, or else have to continue with the status quo. On top of this, my birth doula will be stopping in on Friday and she can also have a look. That's three professional opinions. I should have figured out by then what we are going to do.

What is the status quo? Well, it is an effort each morning until about 1 or 2pm to feed both girls exclusively on the breast. This deteriorates throughout the morning into crankiness on the parts of both girls, but particularly Hailey, who doesn't feed well, delatches when there is good letdown, and gives up when the milk slows down. Breastfeeding Moms know that this means she gets mostly foremilk. ALSO not good.

Round about 1:30pm or so, I generally prepare a bottle of 1/2 breastmilk (pumped the night before, throughout the night, instead of sleeping through with the girls) 1/2 formula to tide her over. I also have to give Alex a supplement of formula to make her happy. It works, but it is certainly not ideal.

Yes, people, the whole breastfeeding thing is a challenge. A massive one with twins. I am on more medication (various pillls like domperidone, and herb capsule of fenugreek etc. plus pregnancy vitamins, iron supplements...) than I have ever been at any point in time in my life, to bring in milk. I have an elaborate system I have had to work out for breastfeeding, supplementing, sterilizing bottles, etc. and as mentioned, sacrifice sleep regularly in order to fulfill the goal.

And I have come to terms with this. My girls have gotten a LOT of breastmilk. They continue to get MOSTLY breastmilk. I may have been disappointed with this - heavy hearted even - before, but now? I'm mostly proud, actually. I'm doing pretty darn well, given the background story we've been living. And what I have learned about breastfeeding could fill a damn book at this point. It's nutso.

I'll keep you posted as to whether or not Hailey has to once again have a medical procedure done. She's an old hand at it...what's another small operation, right? (a really small one).

Any of you deal with tongue-tie? What was your experience?

Enough with the photos, right?

2011-01-01T17:27:00.000-05:00

So I finally had a few minutes to finally figure out how to create a Flickr feed onto the blog, set up a page exclusively for the slideshow, and upload photos to my Flickr page. This will mean that I don't have to post a million photos to my main page posts, but you can see all the latest shots on the latest photos tab on the top right of this blog.

It's still not fancy coding or design - one of these days I will take some training and do a much better job of this - but it's still cool and new and a better way to showcase my new and beautiful little family...

Do you have tips for me? I know there are ways to upload photos from my mobile phone to Flickr? How does one do that? One day I hope to have time to figure that out too...

In the meantime, hope you like it!

On lotteries and life

2010-12-29T21:12:00.000-05:00

Seemed an appropriate title, given that today, thanks to a great contact found on Twitter, we had a free photo shoot with a lovely local photographer. Its just one of the amazing experiences I have gleaned from this little microblogging site, and I cannot understate the role it had in my life in 2010.

And what a year it was. All one has to do is read my blog this past year to know that this was hands down the most eventful, monumental, exceptional years of my life, and one that rocked the foundation upon which the prior 37 years had been based.

But it's all good, people, it's ALL GOOD.

Because, as painful and heartbreaking as the year was, it was also the most beautiful, and it culminated in the arrival of our delicioius twin girls, Alexandra and Hailey. Life at its most incredible, and most fragile, was illustrated to us. Life at its most resilient and death-defying, was also illustrated. And through it all, we have a new and healthy family.

This year also crystalized for me my awareness of the incredible community of family and friends we have backing and supporting us as we tackle life's unique challenges. What can be said about this support except that we are very, very fortunate people. As far as I am concerned, we have won the global lottery where we are and with what we have. It's not overstated or sentimental; it is fact.

And so...while I don't have a lot of time to summarize what has happened, I can flash back to this time, and know that moving forward it will make me appreciate the incredible moments that are already stacking up.

My only wish is that others have such experiences. Happy New Year everyone...may it be wondrous, new, and ground-breaking, as ours will be.

The first Noel

2010-12-26T13:56:00.000-05:00

What can you say when all your dreams come true, and then you celebrate on your favourite day of the year? Just...awesome.

Yes, this year's Christmas was amazing. Certainly I got some great gifts and we ate well (take a look at my hubby's white chocolate creme brulee made from scratch - it is seriously better than any I have had in restaurants...), but the real element of sparkle came from having two healthy, cute and very very special little girls in our life now. That, and spending the entire day with Grandma and Grandpa was an extra special bonus, as they are normally down in Arizona this time of year. (We won't discuss the fact that they are leaving soon to head down to where the sun shines every single day...it's going to be so hard for all of us, and Skype will be our friend so that the connection is still there).

Yes, we have an amazing community of support around us, and are so lucky. So very lucky.

Here are a couple shots of the girls in their various Christmas-themed outfits. It takes your breath away to see them sometimes, they are so cute. (Photos don't do them justice - they take after their Mama in that respect - MUCH better in person!)...

Alluring, Intriguing, Diverse

2010-12-17T12:58:00.000-05:00

Am I boring you?

I honestly don't know if I will talk about anything other than Motherhood and my twin girls ever again. I feel like there is nothing else to talk about (and honestly, in my little world right now, there honestly isn't anything else), but that I MUST be driving everyone batty. I mean, just look at the onslaught of photos I have been posting here. Interesting to quickly look at, but kinda one-dimentional, no?

Just randomly thinking about when, if ever, I will be interesting again, and have something else to say.

Until then...it's gonna be posts about breastfeeding, poopy diapers, and two special angels who are the nucleus of my life right now. Hope you are okay with that...

All about Alex - a.k.a. The Nipple Ninja

2010-12-13T13:47:00.000-05:00

In all the hubub about Hailey and her stint in CHEO (almost seems like a dream, that first month, already), I have always had it in my head that I want to write a great blog post about our 'first born', Miss Alexandra. After all, for the first days after birth, she was an extension of me - in my arms, on my boob or within eyeshot at all times. She, while keeping me somewhat sleepless, was what kept me sane in those first days, and even now, she may have a strong personality and provide plenty of challenge, but she is strong (over 8 1/2 pounds already) and sweet and, um, a voracious eater.

Yes, my friends, Alex is cute as all hell, but feeding her has, from the beginning, kept this new Mom on her toes (or curling her toes, more precisely). Very early on we dubbed her the Nipple Ninja, and boy does she earn that moniker.

The first 72
Let's go back in time shall we? You have by now all read my account of the intense abdominal gas pains I suffered after the c-section? No? Well, it's a great read my friends - very elegant time of my life, let me tell you!

What that post didn't cover off is the first forays into breastfeeding. What I have learned about breastfeeding, folks, could fill many pages. All babies are different, of course, but you can expect I will write some sage words eventually about the entire experience with tips for new moms and especially moms of twins. But until then, let's discuss Alex on the boob (I'm sure later in life, she will love to know I wrote this).

Alex, from the start, knew how to suck. Anything. Hard. Even today, she attacks anything that comes close to her mouth with the fervour of a water-deprived man lost in the desert. She doesn't wait with an open mouth, close, and then suck...no...she sets her sights on the target and the minute there is contact, she's off and running. That mouth continues to suck long after items are taken away. And if you stick your finger in her mouth, you may have a burst blood vessel or it may turn purple.

So what did this do to my virgin nipples? Tore them wide open my friends. Like shards of glass being raked across the underside of the tender vessels, it took only one day for Alex to draw blood from one nipple and seriously risk the health of the other, even with all the nurses and lactation consultants' assistance. It was quite the introduction to breastfeeding, and I laugh at the thought of the books upon books I read in preparation for breastfeeding. Thought I had a good handle on things. HA.

Today, it's still comical to put her up to my boobs. It's a bit of a dance we do, Mommy waiting to see the mouth start to open, and Alex ready to pounce and begin the fight for milk immediately. Quite funny to see how I have to shove her into place and mash her into the boob all in the name of self-protection. But. She has no trouble eating.

Some shots of Alex from that time:

Chaotic environments do not breed happy babies
So yes, the first three days in the hospital were a nightmarish dream, but we got through it together, and although my milk didn't come in for four days and my little one was starving (it's insane to realize how biologically this all works - this is normal???), I was using a nipple shield and pumping like the dickens to try make things happen. Then, we (three of us) went home. And by home, I mean mostly CHEO. Actually, upon discharge, we went over there instead of home. A sign of things to come.

Alex was a trooper. For a full month she was carted back and forth between CHEO and my parents' place, loaded into her car seat, sleeping in her stroller bassinette, dragged over to The General for jaundice testing (yup - dealt with that too). We definitely got our money's worth out of our City Select stroller, which never missed a day with us. Good thing that babies don't see that far in front of their faces - what a dull, boring start to her life, those visually uninspiring hospital rooms!

How did this all affect her? Well, for one, Mommy was exhausted and stressed, there was no real schedule to speak of, and I truly believe she was missing her sister. She seemed to be very unhappy unless in the arms of one of either Mommy, Daddy, Grandma or Grandpa, and many a day ended up in the arms of the NICU nursing staff as I was trying to spend time with Hailey, and needed a break from her demands.

In that first two weeks, Alex, who started very sweetly, became at times inconsolable, staying up sometimes for 8 or more hours in a stretch, screaming for something, but we didn't know what. Turns out the stress, exhaustion and rough start meant that slowly my milk was decreasing. My little girl was getting hungrier and hungrier.

Let me tell you everyone, it's a very bad feeling indeed to know that you have been starving your child. The stress and the guilt is immense, and you feel so damn powerless to control any of it.

Thus, we were forced to supplement with formula. Hard not to see this as a failure, but I'm hard on myself sometimes... What happened next was yet another hiccup/learning in this crazy road. We started OVER feeding her! As aforementioned, Miss Alex loves to eat. Anything. And doesn't seem to stop when she's full. So then, we had yet another inconsolable baby with gas and stomach pains from overeating! Thank god we figured that out and then scaled back. Now, we have discovered what is a normal amount for her size and try to hold her to that as much as possible, although it is still a crapshoot when you don't know how much milk you have in your breast, then supplement. But it seems to be working...mostly!

Moving out of the hospital and into Grandma and Grandpa's house, and shots of our times at CHEO all together:

Chapter Four
And so here we are today, on December 11, a little over 5 weeks since the babies were born, and we have finally moved home. We did extensive renovations on our home, a new leather sectional and new shutter blinds were delivered and installed while we were living elsewhere, and we have our babies home with us.

Alex is cosily ensconced in her new crib in the nursery, and has slept VERY well since we got home - a sign that she knows the bruhaha is done? Time will tell, but she looks lovely tucked up in there, dim lighting keeping her company and her proud parents resting comfortably downstairs on the new leather sofa. Sister Hailey is sleeping softly in her crib in our bedroom (the two girls are on very different feeding schedules and methods with very different sleeping habits at the moment, so we figured this would work best for now - we'll see moving forward what we want to do).

So Mommies - what have your experiences been with breastfeeding? What personalities did your little ones have at first, and did those personalities continue to develop along the same vein, or did they change over time? Just curious...

What's the word on the beach, you ask?

2010-12-06T17:24:00.000-05:00

Oh, how I miss my blog! As I sit here at my parents' dining room table, I have one baby not sleeping and starting to fuss in her playpen, another being fed with dual effort of Dad and Grandpa, and Grandma trying to get dinner going. What am I doing? Well, I am trying to cluster-pump to try get ahead of the game, as each 3 hour period, I try to fit in feeds to little Alex, as well as pump enough for Hailey's feeds. I have been playing catch-up ever since they used all my frozen stores at CHEO for her overnight feeds. It's stressful, since I absolutely HAVE to pump a minimum of a certain amount each 3 hours, and the stress has sometimes limited my supply (not to mention lack of sleep, lack of food and not always hydrating enough).

I will say this about that...breastfeeding is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Bar none. It's worth it, but boy...with twins, it's a crazy, crazy never-ending job.

On Friday, December 3, exactly one month after the twins' birth, Hailey was released from the CHEO hospital. It was a long day, as the night before was a bad night for babies in the Ottawa area, and what was a relatively calm NICU became over-booked with new admissions. This meant that morning 'rounds', where all the amazing medical staff (dieticians, resperatory technicians, nurses, pediatricians, neonatologists, etc.) review each case and discuss the treatment plans for the next 24 hours took an incredibly long time. It also meant that the pediatrician who had to go through our Hailey's files for her release could not get to it until late in the day. It was a long, chaotic day. In fact...a long chaotic month, which I do believe has heavily affected Alex. More on Alex to come.

So yes. Hailey was released, and by all accounts her recovery was remarkable. The previous post that outlined her surgery reveals how extensive the abdominal reconfiguration was, and the fact that our only challenge in the end was to get her to gain weight through feeds is incredible. One of these days I will chart the timeline and put it down to see the whole picture, but it is all testament to the incredible work of Hailey herself, but the incredible CHEO staff. On our departure, we left behind a big gift basket filled with sweets and chocolates to make their shifts a bit better over the next few days, but nothing can truly compensate for what they did to save my little one's life. Such an incredible team of selfless and loving people I have never met. What they do is so hard, yet it makes such a massive difference.

Now, for the first time ever, we are back at Grandma and Grandpa's house, and I haven't had to go ANYWHERE for the last two days. It feels GREAT to just be here, in the moment. Later this week we begin the move back to our home in Kanata and by the weekend, we will finally be in our home. It will still be really hard, but it will be normal. Gawd I love the sound of that.

And who knows? Maybe I will be able to blog once in a blue moon, if all the stars align and I have a free moment.

Thanks to everyone for all their support, love, prayers and congratulations. What a ride!

Here are a few shots from our last day:

New socks for both Hailey and for Alex (outfits came later, but ultimately, Hailey ended up in a fresh sleeper. There was, uh, an incident, let's call it, with Grandpa on the scale which we were using as a change table...) Can you tell who is who?

Dylan the dragon and some friends all packed up and ready to go.

Grandma in the isolation room (our 'hotel' room over the final three days where this Mom was trying to ensure Hailey got enough nourishment to grow and gain weight in order to go home).

Mommy holding Hailey just before her release.

Hailey loaded into her car seat for her first trip out of the hospital - the air is good there, but fresh is best!!!

Daddy ready to roll with both his little girls.

What all parents of CHEO babies pray for...

And when we got home, Mommy gave Hailey her first bath, then wrapped her in her duckie blanket. The heart melts...

Ahhh....

Pump up the jam, baby!

2010-11-27T15:02:00.000-05:00

So it finally happened. Sometime last night they ran out of my breastmilk to feed Hailey, and had to give her her first dose of formula. She didn't like it.

Neither did momma, who thought there was plenty in the freezer at CHEO as a backup, but apparently they had been going through it like an undisciplined, unsupervised child opening gifts on Christmas morning.

I was upset.

Crazy to be upset about this, I know, since the nurses infirm me it's almost unheard of that no supplements have been needed so far with twins in different places, but still...I was annoyed. And frankly? I've kinda had enough of the pumping. It's uncomfortable - borderline painful sometimes, and you feel like a cow hooked up to a Beatrice milking machine. Hell, if I WERE a cow, at least I could go to the washroom while being pumped!

But... We are in the homestretch now. Hailey is doing great, and is either being fed a bottle with MOSTLY breastmilk overnight by the nurses and is exclusively on my breast during the day. We are really close to blowing this Popsicle stand...

When gas leaks are good things

2010-11-21T15:53:00.000-05:00

Or, alternately, what I didn't know about c-sections going into the surgery.

Last night, while feeding little Alex (because really, if I'm not feeding her, I'm pumping or trying to sleep), we finally connected our video camera to the big screen tv in my Dad's man-cave to view the footage taken of the delivery. Wow. Powerful stuff...and surreal too. Something we'll keep within the family, likely, but it also called to mind the first 72 or so hours after the delivery (or shall we just call a spade a spade and say surgery?)

You see, no one told me that abdominal surgery can often be accompanied by intense gastro-intestinal distress. No one said "you will have trouble with gas and be unable to poop, causing potentially mind-alteringly alarmingly painful cramps, so horridly powerful that they spread up your back, through your entire torso and even up to your shoulders where, ultimately, you won't be able to even lift your arms for the shooting pain."

Yeah... No one told me about that.

Flashback to 1992. I was playing varsity waterpolo at Carleton University. What does this have to do with that? Well...I was notorious for gulping water and air during games, and then, after a night on the town with teammates drinking gas-inducing beer, holding onto my farts, causing intense gas-pains so bad that by night's end, I would curl up in a fetal ball on my bed and cry, waiting for the air to move through my system and come out the appropriate end.

So. It stands to reason that, Uh, the after-delivery experience for me was characterized not only by issues learning to breastfeeding, stress worrying about a sick baby in CHEO, but also an indescribable pain from built-up gas emissions that only started to clear out a bit the day of my discharge from the hospital. Not fun, my friends, not fun.

Still, worth it, of course, but I don't think I will look back on the first few days as an amazing time. Just necessary to get to the real fun.

You will be happy to know that mommy is now filling the atmosphere without hesitation with gaseous outputs. All is good.

My daughter: My hero

2010-11-18T12:30:00.000-05:00

This post was supposed to go up yesterday, the one week anniversary of baby Hailey’s surgery. As per the norm these days, I couldn’t get to it, and likely won’t finish writing this in the time I have allowed for it today either, as I have to run shortly to take baby Alexandra to her 2 week doctor’s appointment.

As I sit here in the ‘pod’ at CHEO, I can hear the not-so-coarse anymore cries of my little Hailey, who as of this morning is off oxygen and breathing room air for the first time since her birth. She is still being fed by a tube, but Mother’s milk at a higher and higher dosage every day. I found out today that it will be another 5 days or so of increasing this continuous feeding method before they will be looking at starting regular feedings (i.e. larger amounts all at once).

Alexandra is here in her bassinette stroller, sleeping, but increasingly restless – it will be again time for more boobage shortly, and so maybe this blog won’t be as detailed as I would like, and frankly, I want to hold my little girl one more time before I have to skip out.

So as this title says, my daughter is my hero. There is no other way to describe the fight she has in her, and her tolerance of all she has been through. The photos will show it all. What started as an initial cry and big deep breath at birth (great for Mom and Dad to hear, but VERY bad for Hailey and the nurses who then had to decompress the lungs and remove the air from her stomach and bowels) has progressed past a number of days of stabilization, surgery five days after birth on Monday, November 8, an initial feeding trial only two days after surgery (which was regurgitated several hours later), then continuous small feedings that Friday which have progressed from 1ml/hr at that point to now 5ml/hr with another 1ml/hr added every 12 hour period. Her ventilation tube was removed on Saturday, her medications were completely weaned down on Sunday, and all signs are very, very good.

Here are some shots before her surgery. The first was shot by Art in the OR right after she was intubated.

This shot is the first time Mommy got to see or touch her little hero. She was only there for what seemed like a moment, then carted off to CHEO. Daddy went with her. It was excruciating, but necessary.

Then came the first 72 hours after Mom's surgery. Trying to nurse. Trying to recover. Trying to make my way over somehow to CHEO without being allowed to bring big sister Alex. And the little I did get there, this is what I saw...a damn cute little helpless, but tough baby girl, with tubes coming out of what seemed like every area on her tiny body. Hard to look at, and yet we knew this was what was necessary to save her. To stabilize her for just long enough to get ready for a crazy 'work over' to come. We didn't know how long she would need to be in this state, drugged and intubated, and waiting, but in the end it was only 5 days. A small amount of time, a lifetime...

Then, surgery day. What can I say about surgery day, November 8? Hell on earth? We won't get into the emotional roller coaster, but here, in a nutshell, is the overview of what 'technically' happened.

The Surgery

The surgery was scheduled for 11 am on November 8, just 5 days (albeit long days) after Hailey’s birth. She had been stable almost continuously and so everything was looking great in terms of her readiness for what was to be a major reworking of her organs. We hadn’t met until then with the surgeon, and so it was literally right before her surgery that we met with our exceptional surgeon. We were shocked to see that he was younger than we were. Very soft-spoken, and when we asked for him to draw out a diagram of what the situation was and what he was going to be doing, he obliged. One day I will scan that image and put up a post about it, but in the meantime, we have something even more incredible…an x-ray of the before and after.

In the before shot (above) you will see that essentially all the bowels, stomach, intestines, and even the spleen and part of her liver are all stuffed up in her left lung cavity (the black masses). The left lung, inside the cavity, is collapsed in behind all the other organs, and her heart, which is supposed to be kinda in the middle of her chest cavity, has been squished over to the right, displaced.

And here is the after shot. All her organs have been moved down and into place, and if you see the left lung cavity, you can see the faint outline of her left lung, partially expanded. Eventually her lung will fill this cavity as it grows and gets stronger, and the heart has already started to migrate over to its proper position.
One of the biggest concerns of the surgery was the discovery of how large the hernia/hole actually was, and whether or not there would be enough surrounding muscle tissue to close up the hole without introducing artificial prostheses. If they were able to patch the hole without the artificial patch, her likelihood of re-herniation and complications would be greatly limited. Turns out, although the hole was considered quite large, there was enough tissue there to patch it together, and so the prognosis was excellent. From there, the next question was going to be “Are all the organs fully developed and functioning as they should be?” Time would tell on that front.

Oh, and I should mention that while meeting with the surgeon, I did ask him directly if he had had a good sleep and confirmed that he had not gone out for drinks with his buds the night before. Although asked in a joking manner, I was dead serious. We all have bad days at work, right? The nurse afterward was flabbergasted that I actually came out and asked that question.

So here we are, 10 days after her surgery, and she is up to 9 ml/hr of Mommy’s breast milk. She is also being held by Mom, Dad and even Grandma and Grandpa these days, and as of this morning, I have been told I am allowed to put her to my breast to help her learn to breastfeed. I can’t say what this means to me, as I was so nervous that she would learn to feed through a bottle first and not know how to latch. I can’t wait.

So I guess that means I want to wrap this up. I have some feeding to do – both of Alex and of Hailey. Will try get another blog post done shortly, but given this took 4 days to finish (and I still have to format and upload pix), we’ll see.

Here are some more shots of Hailey at various stages after the surgery.

And then the ventilation tube came out, and stuff slowly got removed from her body. Starting with the ventilation tube!

What a fighter. What a survivor.

My daughter: my hero.

So...yeah...announcing the arrival of our baby girls!

2010-11-10T14:10:00.000-05:00

Exactly one week later, I'd like to finally announce the arrival of baby Alexandra Patricia, 7 pounds, 6 ounces, born on November 3rd at 11:38 a.m., and her little twin sister Hailey Elizabeth, 5 pounds, 12 ounces, born at 11:39.

I'm sitting here as I write this at the side of little Hailey, in the yellow 'pod' in the NICU at CHEO, after a week that is almost indescribable, but that ultimately will be the most momentous of my life. Followed closely by each successive week to come, I'm sure. Already today, only two days after her surgery, I just had the heart-bursting privilege of feeding my lovely survivour her first taste of Mommy's milk. Although through a syringe and into her tummy through a tube, it finally felt like a contribution to her life outside the womb that no one else could offer. Love in liquid form. Overwhelming.

So. Yes. Let's be honest here. I'm in love with two different ladies and a man and have been trying desperately to manage all these relationships while still retaining some physical and emotional sanity. I have plenty of love to go around, but not enough physicality or time on the clock. Every day has been a day of firsts. Each crazy event is a blog post just waiting to happen, and each minute is another where I have been saying...oh gosh...I gotta remember this; it'll be a great story. But I have to find time. At this moment, I finally have a full afternoon to spend here at CHEO, and every second that I write this post is a second I lose from reading Hailey a story or holding her hand. Baby Alex is in the family lounge with Grandma and Grandpa, waiting sleepily for more boobage, and after that, Mommy will have to pump for more milk for Hailey before she can go back to 'hang' with Hailey again. Still haven't figured out how to nap. When Alex naps and still get some time with Hailey, but hoping to get a slower pace going now.

Wish me luck, andknow that I have a mountain of posts to come, and one day will find my way to a damn computer to get off this iPhone and get some writing done.

But let's just leave it at this. Life is a wondrous, magnificent, heart-wrenching and bursting journey. We are all blessed, and if we have love and health, we ought never to be unhappy.

And, it seems, on this iPhone, I can't go over this post to edit. Hope the typos aren't too bad... Will fix later

A poem of love and welcome

2010-11-02T15:35:00.000-04:00

Tumbling, squirming
punching, kicking
you grew from nothing
but the love and desire
of two who want you
love you
more than you will ever know

Inside, you two together
make me laugh
worry, pee and smile
so safe and cozy
but life isn't and so
you must join us, tomorrow
where we'll be here for you every day thereafter

You may not know it
but you are the core
of all that we are
and all that is beautiful
in life
worth any and all
heartbreak, fear, sacrifice, risk

Convinced of your strength
and with our conviction
that you will fight
for every breath
for life
an army of love
is behind you both

Welcome, my twins
meeting you both
will be powerful
momentous
the biggest event ever to take place
in our lives, and the start
of your amazing journeys

It's the Great DANCING Pumpkin BELLY Charlie Brown!

2010-10-31T22:13:00.000-04:00

I made it. I said that if I made it to Hallowe'en, there'd be a Jack O' Lantern belly painting session, and I didn't lie. Here, as my first video post EVER, thanks to our new video camera. Enjoy the dancing, giggling belly...

And here are a few shots of the work in progress, the artist at work, and the artist and her muse together. A fun afternoon and something to pass the time and celebrate this once-in-a-lifetime experience. (And yes...the belly is literally the size of a large pumpkin - would fetch at LEAST $6 on the market! And yes, I also realize that I could make a joke about cutting into it too, but I won't go there...)

(Scary angle)

Happy Hallowe'en everyone - may your candy be sweet and your cavities scarce!!!

9 a.m. Wednesday morning

2010-10-28T22:52:00.000-04:00

So let's go over this, shall we? No natural delivery for me, unless by some crazy miracle Baby A finds the space and inclination to move head down. This means a scheduled C-section in just 6 days.

Ladies...who wants to share what that is like with me? What should I expect? How does it feel? How do you best cope, take care of yourself, your baby, and ensure you heal well? Any good resources for me? I like information and preparing for things, as you can tell. Plus, I've never gone into the hospital for anything before, let alone being cut into, so...it's a bit crazy to contemplate for me!

Thanks in advance...

ONE WEEK

2010-10-27T20:29:00.000-04:00

At the MOST.

One week, folks. November 3, exactly one week from today, is the current booked date for the planned C-section if Baby A doesn't shift out of breech, and if I don't go into labour before then.

That's nuts.

That's incredible.

That's life changing.

Holy Crap...

Food Fights

2010-10-26T22:30:00.000-04:00

I could say that husband and I toss marshmallows, paint chocolate sauce, and spray whipped cream on each other as foreplay. I could say the title is about an Iron Chef-like competition with our neighbours. I could say a number of things, but what I am really talking about is an ongoing struggle each night to `deal`with what the heck to eat for dinner.

You see, my husband is not a planner. He is also not the visionary behind creative and yummy foods that come out of this kitchen. He cooks it really well and is getting better at creative grilling techniques, etc., but if you are looking for the idea person in our household, it`s usually me (unless it's a Saturday and there's all day to play and plan a great dinner. Then, my man rocks the hot rocks).

So, each night that my hubby comes home from work right now, he asks me one old, tried and true, and frustrating question..."What do you want for dinner?" Why is it frustrating? Well, because throughout this ENTIRE pregnancy, I have been turned off cooking. Putting aside how hard it is now to stand and do prep, and how bad my back is as a result of even 2 minutes of washing dishes or the like, the fact is more that just the idea of prepping food and cooking turns me off. Just put something in front of me, ready to eat, and I'm good to go, but not before then.

It's frustrating because my man (who has been great about everything else related to this journey) has no ideas, and no clear ideas of his own about what he feels like eating and prepping. Because, I guess, men don't do well with cooking as a chore, which is what it becomes when I look to HIM to plan, prepare and present food.

But. I'm still very, very hungry.

So every night that we have not planned anything (which happens more often than not), we have the same conversation, and he gets frustrated with me, and I with him.

And we eat far more take out or delivery than we ever have in the past. Which isn't great nutrition, folks!Tonight's meal was a shwarma platter for me and a meat pizza for him from the nearest half-decent restaurant.

What were the touchy issues during your pregnancy? When did your man get frustrated and/or struggle with the support you required? What was your 'thing' that threw you both for a loop?

Oh, and by the way, I realize how sucky I sound, and lazy. I just really can't get up energy/interest or the 'taste' for creating food. It's a huge and mysterious struggle - and totally counter to my usual MO, ya know?

Stall tactics

2010-10-23T10:56:00.000-04:00

So for those who missed the updates on Twitter and Facebook, our ultrasound on Thursday was a big relief. Both babies have grown really well in two weeks, and Baby B grew a full pound in that period. They estimate her still at a small 4 lbs 9 oz, and Baby A is over a full pound heavier at 5 lbs 12 oz. So there's a reason I feel so heavy and have trouble even standing at this point!

The ultrasound also revealed what I already know...the babies are positioned really low at this point, so the pressure on my cervix (not including the blows it is constantly taking from Baby A's feet!) is substantial, and I can only imagine we are getting closer - any day now, really.

That said...I am trying to decide if my insistance on a late scheduled delivery date (November 3, at almost 39 weeks) is truly based on my ongoing desire for natural process to be allowed to take precedence, or stall tactics. I realized on Wednesday night, as I faced a very real prospect of delivering the next day, that I am truly terrified. Emotionally fragile doesn't begin to describe how I feel about delivery. Right now, both girls are safe, happy, and healthy inside my womb. A normal Mommy-to-be at this stage is desperate to meet them and get them out of her belly because of the discomfort, but we are facing a different reality. Baby B will struggle to survive outside of her protective environment. We're scared. I'd love to just hold on forever, because I know it's going to be a hard journey in a few days when they decide they are ready.

Do I feel like the outcome will be a good one? I still believe that. But I also have to be realistic. I have to face the fact that the twins will be separated and there won't be all these cute shots of the two of them together, snuggling in their crib. I have to accept that there are a myriad of unknowns we are facing and that we control NONE of it. And we have to brace ourselves for how hard it will be to not hold our little girl, or take her home with us when we leave the hospital. Can I just go back in time?

So yeah. I want the latest delivery date possible. I want and still hold out hope that Baby A will turn so that we can have a natural delivery. I look forward to meeting both of our little miracles. But I admit to wanting to hold off as long as possible...

But don't get me wrong. We hold a whole lot of happiness for our situation - we have been blessed to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and be honoured with two, and not just one, beautiful babies. And I AM anxious to meet them, get to know their little personalities, and marvel at their resilience. We feel almost certain everything will work out positively.

Oh, and for those who wonder what 37 weeks with twins looks like, we snapped a shot yesterday. Because of my big frame, I'm still smaller than most people would imagine, however it's a pretty darn big belly!!!!

Here we grow again - tomorrow could be a big or even bigger day

2010-10-20T21:42:00.000-04:00

Yup - tomorrow marks yet another ultrasound and doctor's appointment to check on the status of our little baby girls, but it's an important ultrasound because it is the first one we've had in two weeks (there have been two others since) that will take measurements and estimate the growth of the twins, and each of their weights.

Two weeks ago, the alarm bells were raised because although Baby A was underweight for her gestational age (under 5 lbs), Baby B was not only a lot smaller (3lbs 9 oz), but hadn't grown since the ultrasound two weeks prior. If tomorrow reveals she has again not gained much weight, it won't matter that all else looks good; I would expect that ultrasound result would lead to a speedy delivery.

So yeah...it will either be a big day showing some good growth and babies that are hanging out, playful and growing stonger by the day (and they have been incredibly active, I have to say), or it will be a bigger day. Like, the biggest of my life, without question.

Well, actually, a lot of massive life questions will be answered, now that you mention it.

Exciting.

Terrifying.

Party ON, little goobers!

2010-10-19T16:16:00.000-04:00

Appropriate to post this note on volleyball night - my women's volleyball team name is Party On, and I will be heading there to watch, potentially one last time, as a pregnant woman. Soon enough, I will be carting along at least one little squirming one to watch my great friends play one of my favourite sports. Get them acclimatized as early as possible, ya know? I'm actually hoping to be able to spare and play at least a couple times after xmas and this season, but the team - likely quite appropriately - guessed that I would be 'out' for the season with plenty to occupy my free time!

So yes...these little ones are still rockin' it out in my belly. They are moving, kicking, hiccuping and shifting often throughout both day and night, and still seem to have room to move and grow. As of last Friday, we are past the 36 week mark, and a scheduled C-section is planned, but not until November 3, at almost 39 weeks. I negotiated that one with the doctor, who wanted to go sooner. I just think we can go the distance, and think nature should be allowed to take it's course, you know? Unfortunately, that course seems to indicate a breech presentation for Baby A, which means an automatic C-section, whether in labour or not. Dang.

But you never know - the longer we go, the longer I give her to decide to move around and get ready, right? Maybe the ice packs, the music down low, the flashlight technique etc. will start working and she'll migrate down, but I'm not holding my breath.

I am, however, enjoying the 'party in my pants' as it were!!!

The big reveal - a bright, bold, flower-infested nursery

2010-10-18T19:28:00.001-04:00

Okay...I have looked all day for the 'before' shot of our made-over crappy dresser, and can't find it, so y'all will just have to use your imaginations, because I simply can't keep waiting to finally unveil the twins' nursery. I have been conceptualizing, designing, prepping, shopping and finalizing this room for what seems like months (oh yeah...it HAS been months), and given that I could deliver my little goobers at any time, I guess I should get this up so that people can see!!!

So, a couple caveats.
1) The whole dresser thing. It was old and ugly, albeit solid wood, so we knew we could do something cool with it. I wanted to have it done professionally in a laquered white, but then discovered that it would be very likely in our climate to split and have 'viens' in it. So not worth the money. Sigh.

2) The glider rocker is currently in our living room. This big bellied Momma to be needed something she could sit in and get out of easily at this point, and because our second-hand sofa-bed would NOT fit down into the newly renovated basement, we had to move our other couch down there, so we are suffering in the living room at the moment. So, yeah...there is an empty spot in the corner of the nursery where the chair should go...BUT, I still have a shot of the glider to include so you can see what it looks like.

3) The damn shutters still have not arrived for the window treatment. It will look lovely when here, but until then, we just have a venetian blind up there.

But I think that's it. The rest is done and ready for crying, pooping, sleeping, smiling babies. The theme? Garden Flowers.

So, without further ado...

BEFORE

Another angle...

And the closet etc. area over by the door...

AFTER

And so, here is the after!!!!! The room is SO BRIGHT with sunlight streaming in, the photos often show darker, as the camera adjusts the exposure, but without the shutters, it's like a sunroom!

The glider corner - it looks great in here, when it, you know, is in here!

The glider, for those who haven't seen it yet. White leather beauty purchased from Fab Baby Gear - great shop in Westboro...

When you enter the room...the photos are either shots I have personally taken from my own garden, or some that I downloaded from Flickr - such an amazing resource. Costco only charges $1.99 per 12x12 reproduction, and the frames are from IKEA at $19.99 each.

*Note that they are NOW hung very securely with strong wire and hook fasteners, but we originally tried to use the 3M Command picture hanging strips. We put MORE than the recommended amount on the frames, and followed the instructions, and in the middle of the night, the frames were FALLING OFF THE WALL. If I had had my newborns in the cribs...well, I shudder to think. Needless to say, I don't recommend this product.

Our awesome closet curtains...Found the fabric finally at Rockland textiles and had a friend of my Mom's sew these and the custom lime crib skirts (also shown here) for me. She did an amazing job.

And the interior closet solution we came up with. (Cube units from IKEA recently reduced to $40 each, and rods from Home Depot around $6 each)...

Some closer detail on the closet. We have empty drawers and areas - plenty of storage to grow with the girls.

The change corner, with the refurbished dresser...Mirror from Bouclair Home. Great store - love their accents and prices.

Close up dresser detail - knobs and pulls purchased from Lee Valley tools. I love the crystal knobs on the small drawers...

The change area was fun. Finally found a white square basket of the right height and then painted it myself to have it tie in with the colour scheme. About $14 from HomeSense I think...

And the laundry hamper I picked up at Home Outfitters - it was white as well, and then I painted the lid and the middle section. The diaper disposal was compliments of a friend as a temporary measure for the first little while until we transition to cloth diapers. With Baby B in CHEO for the first while, we will use disposables to start with...

The floating shelves were from Home Depot at less than $20 each...My muse and my support through the tough times, Dylan the dinosaur, is in a place of honour in the far corner until the girls want to play with him.

A few smiling flowers - compliments of a friend's sweet daughter - are waiting to greet the girls - this crib will eventually be Baby B's, so will be there, waiting and smiling as long as necessary...

And finally, I hope we can sleep both girls together in one crib to start. We will be moving this crib to the master bedroom so that Mommy can breastfeed in bed and handle the craziness a bit better in the beginning!

So there you are. Finally! Hope you like it as much as we do. It makes me happy just to enter the room.

Bloggin from my new iPhone

2010-10-15T23:34:00.000-04:00

It's my 'push present'- not jewelry or a spa thing or something else traditionally romantic, but it's what I want and love - to be connected and free to participate in the online conversation at any time.

I got my iPhone today!

So I'm trying this out... Hubby took a shot of me tonight at 36 weeks, and so I'm going to try Post the shot. Now, be forewarned... This isn't an edited shot, and it's not pretty. But reality often isn't, right?

Here I am!

Ah... Maybe not. Can't see menu option to upload photo, and also can't figure out how to copy and paste a hyperlink option... Ah growing pains!

Roly poly belly woman makes it to 36 weeks - Term for twins

2010-10-15T16:53:00.000-04:00

Yup - the three of us have done it. We've made it to term for twins, and so far, all signs point to having a bit more time to 'cook' the little ones. We still don't know if Baby B has gained weight (they only do those measurements every two weeks and so Thursday next week will hopefully tell us she's bigger and better than ever), but all her vital signs, and that of Baby A are looking really good.

And holy crap are they ever active! Some crazy movements happening with this belly of mine, at all hours of the day and pretty constantly. This is something I am going to miss dearly - it is really fun to watch, touch and play with their little arms and legs that are flying all over in there.

So even though the bags are packed, and Baby A is still breech (so, yeah, we are still looking at a forced C-section unless that changes), I'm feeling pretty okay, all things considered, and am heading out shortly for a chick night at a friend's house. Quite excited to see everyone. Now...

What the heck to wear?

Growing something other than babies - it's harvest time

2010-10-13T18:27:00.000-04:00

So my husband escaped from the inside chaos in our house for a little bit of time out in the yard this Thanksgiving weekend. Yardwork in the shape of mowing the lawn is his usual shtick, however gardening? Not so much. That said, I think he enjoyed pulling up what we had and 'closing out' what was essentially his garden this summer.

I thought it would be a great year for the garden, but I think the lotus tree in the middle of the garden is finally sapping the nutrient levels too much, as most of our produce suffered. That, or the fact that momma gardener was completely MIA this summer stunted the growth of the poor little veggies... However, we still got some great stuff. Check it out....we still had a large pile of runner beans that taste great.

And although we have clay soil, I keep trying to grow carrots - of both the purple variety and the usual. Love the look of purple carrots on a plate...

We, of course, have a myriad of various peppers - of the sweet, hot and VERY hot variety.

And finally, a wider shot of the baby onions, other peppers etc.

So vibrant and lovely, fresh and fragrant. Thinking we'll do some roast BBQ veggies with a nice big roast and yorkshire pudding this coming weekend. MMMMMMMMM......delish!

Terrified - it's not Halloween yet, though, so what's up?

2010-10-10T13:23:00.001-04:00

So...it has taken a couple of days for me to calm down a bit in order to get this blog post out.

On Thursday we went for our last of the bi-weekly ultrasound and clinic appointments (here on out the plan was to move to weekly appointments until the twins arrive). The ultrasound was booked for 1pm and we finally left the hospital at about 6:40pm. Yeah...if you are thinking that doesn't sound good, you'd be right, but it might not be as bad as you THINK it is, but this particular Mommy to be is admittedly scared out of her wits right now.

So what happened? Well, the ultrasound measurements revealed that our little Baby B, who is undersized to begin with, has not grown in the two weeks since her last ultrasound. Baby A is still under 5 lbs too, which is pretty low, but it's really scary that Baby B, even when you toss aside her abdomen measurements (which are generally not a good indication of her size), only gained 1 oz and is still under 4 lbs in their estimation.

What did that mean? Well, it meant that we waited well over 1/2 an hour for the doctors to study the ultrasound results and it meant that when we did speak to the doctors, the weekly visits changed immediately to an order for two ultrasounds next week - the first asap on Tuesday and another on Friday, as well as a clinic appointment on Thursday. It also meant a trip down the hall to triage before we left for a NST - or non-stress test - to monitor the babies' hearts and particularly movements. The nurses were happy with the results and the babies were moving really well, but it was scary and took another hour, then another 1/2 hour to wait for the doctor to officially release us to go home.

We were ordered to:

a) pack our bags and bring what we need to be admitted to all future appointments just in case they have to deliver the babies

b) take it easy, as Baby A is still solidly breech, but worse, the umbilical chord is presenting, so they want us in the hospital IMMEDIATELY upon any sign of labour, as apparently the membrane can rupture and the chord can come out, which is not good - Momma has to take it a lot more easy than she has been...

c) monitor the babies' movements, especially Baby B's to ensure all is well (had a real scare yesterday as I didn't clearly distinguish her movements for a number of hours) - but I find this really hard, since there are two there, and Baby B's feet are often in the same area as Baby A's much stronger fists/arms. Eventually, after I had a nap, she started moving around again, but I'm still totally stressed

and finally d) (this was not the doctor's orders at all, but our own priority) - we have to get the bloody house in order even more urgently now. Ideally, we have at least another full week of work ahead to be totally prepared, but at the very least we have a few must do's!

So yes...this weekend we have been putting together the stroller, putting in car seat #1 for Baby A, getting the playard set up on the main floor, and packing our bags etc. as well as trying to do the cleaning, organizing and purging we need to get done. Meanwhile...we're terrified about having to deliver these babies so soon. Under normal circumstances both babies would be far enough along to do well and come home in a reasonable time, but with the hernia issue in Baby B...it's so important to take her as far as possible.

I'm terrified by her latest status, her current size (under 4lbs is too small - but I don't know that clinically it is - the doctors haven't said to me that it is, nor would they probably predict this), and what might happen this week. I'm ready to meet my babies, but the positivity and confidence I had in Baby B's outcome was based on taking the two of them a lot further into their gestation.

Emotionally, I'm just okay. I was doing so well, but now? Beyond the fear of what might happen, I can honestly say that I'm starting to be resentful. I'm just so tired of how bumpy this ride has been, ya know? I'm annoyed that underlining all of our preparations, there is fear of loss. I'm angry that we are rushing through the last-minute preparation and not truly enjoying the process. It's just once again more 'excitement tempered by a dose of caution and reality'.

Why can't we just be allowed to enjoy? It's angering. And...I'm starting to accept that I also won't be able to deliver these babies, but instead they will be yanked from me via C-section. Okay for some, but certainly not what I was looking forward to. But then...what part of this pregnancy has turned out to be what I hoped it would be?

Sorry to be so negative. I'm not a negative person, in general. But. It's an honest account of what my head space is like sometimes.

Other times? I'm so happy to have at least gotten to this point. I'm enjoying seeing the stroller ready to go, and the little outfit picked out for when Baby A comes home. I still am totally thankful for all that we DO have and all that we have accomplished. We are truly blessed.

And so...yes, it's Thanksgiving and not Halloween. I'm taking it easy and hoping for the best. And I will try to reserve 'fright night' for another week...

Going Down - Basement renovation is finally complete!

2010-10-06T21:01:00.000-04:00

Had to elaborate on the title, but was tempted not to...

So yes, at almost 35 weeks along pregnant with twins, we FINALLY have a properly finished basement and thanks to said project, we've actually doubled our living space, which is amazing and will let us survive unscathed in this house for a few more years without going crazy like caged animals (sorry - just watching SYTYCDC and Blake's caged animal routine just performed, so...).

Because I know I am always looking for good before and after shots for ideas, I thought I would post the shots here for anyone who hasn't seen them. Here they are:

That was the wide shot of the before and after. Here are a couple different angles, starting with the stairwell.

The old 'workshop' vs. the new 'playroom'...

(last one taken before carpet was laid). And finally, the accent wall which will house the computer and media centre when we get the right storage/setup configured.

We'll spice up the twin's playroom a little more with colour and fun on the walls soon, but for now, we can at least move in the jumpers, the gyms, the playard etc to get it ready for the little ladies (and we have)!

And in the meantime, we are moving on to setting up the garage with all the extra storage and the new workshop area (I'm the powertool gal, so it has been weird watching everyone else get this stuff done around me!) and finishing touches on the main floor and the nursery. Nursery pics to come soon for sure.

Oh, yes, and will be replacing our massive picture window in the living room because it becomes an unexpected flowing water feature into the room whenever there is a heavy rain we just discovered...!!!

FUN.

Diary of a Whimpy Pregnant Lady

2010-10-03T16:51:00.001-04:00

Not even 2 hours of helping paint final touches on our basement, and I'm down for the count, my friends, and I even did the stair baseboards sitting down!

It is absolutely crazy how little physical work I can do (and, ya know, by work I mean, uh...walking n' simple stuff) and have my body tell me almost immediately "okay, honeybuns, that's enough for you today!"

Yesterday we went for a massive shopping trip to get a lot of the items we still needed for the babies. It was a trip to 2 stores, yo, and my body was so tired when I got home that I had multiple, repeated Braxon Hicks contractions that were stronger than usual, causing me to time them and pay very close attention...just in case. Thankfully after some rest, some water and some food, they quieted down.

So yeah...I'm a whimp right now. Want to steal my purse? You got it - I can't fight. Think you, you little 2 year old who just learned to walk, can beat me in a foot race? The ribbon is yours. Dust mites, dirt and little stuff on the floor having fun hanging out? Loitering is totally permitted in my world. Well, at least until my Mother sets her sight on the cleaning, 'cause I'm just not up for it!

Sleepless nights with hideous heartburn doesn't help.

But hey...the babies are kicking and movin' and groovin' along to their own beat, and as long as this is the status quo, I don't mind being a whimp.

Oh, and basement reno before and after pix to come soon...

A beautiful state of being

2010-09-27T23:08:00.000-04:00

So yesterday we had our photo shoot to snap some great shots of this gorgantuan (like that? Cross between gorgeous and gargantuan) belly of mine at Baby and Belly photography. Can't wait to see the finished shots, but have to say that I am moved deeply by this experience and so happy to have photographic documentation of what is the most incredible time of my life so far. I'll never forget what being pregnant has been like, and I am already missing (in advance) housing these two little squirming ones inside of me. Here's hoping they will hold on for the full 6 remaining weeks!!!

So, without further delay, here is a sampling:

Now THAT is a belly....and a family waiting to happen in just a very short time. Gulp.

Shuffle shuffle piddle piddle

2010-09-24T09:05:00.001-04:00

Ya know, when you reach this stage of pregnancy (and especially if you have two in there), I don't begrudge anyone who sniggers at me. I seriously don't. I look funny. I move funny. I'm awkward. I grunt when I try to stand up, and I URGENTLY have to go pee like clockwork at a minimum every 2 hours throughout the night.

Now granted, the relief I feel once 'relieved' is in no way directly proportionate to the amount I have expelled. Nooooooo. It's at best a trickle, people. Or, as it were, a piddle. Like a little puppy, really. But immensely, immensely satisfying.

I'm even laughing at myself. I caught sight of myself in a window at the General yesterday. While just a rendering on a laptop touch pad (so, ya know, really rough), this is approximately what I saw when I looked sideways:

Shocking, when you just randomly catch site of yourself. No wonder I catch my hubby doing double takes. No wonder he can't help himself from the occasional chuckle. And yes, no wonder I laugh at myself. 'Cause people, it's just funny!

BTW - Baby A is now 4lb 3oz and Baby B is 3lb 8oz (but likely heavier, as her abdomen measurement can skew their results) and we are at 33 weeks today.

Have a great weekend!

Am I in the Amazing Race for Preggos?

2010-09-20T18:24:00.000-04:00

You'd think, with all the 'stuff' we've already had to deal with, that at the very least, I could get my home in order. You'd THINK.

I feel like thee must be hidden cameras and a host in the background of my life tuning in at all time to listen to my ideas for what we need, following me around from store to store, and each time I head in one direction, the producers are calling ahead to the store to remove items from their shelves, place out of stock stickers on their hooks or otherwise trip me up with lack of service or lack of product to fit my needs. Then, as I somewhat contentedly pull into my parking spot, struggle to get out of the car without groaning, and waddle toward the front doors, the host voiceover must say something along the lines of "We've placed another roadblock in her path. With her babies due very soon, and her house in shambles, let's see how she handles this latest setback..."

No well, my friends, not well. Patience is wearing extremely thin these days. As of Friday, I will be at 33 weeks. Yes, that's still 7 weeks to term for a normal pregnancy, but folks...nothin' about this pregnancy has been normal.

Oh, and although the drywallers were supposed to be here taping and mudding today, of COURSE they were on another job and didn't show. Of course. Each day that passes, I grind my teeth down further and look at the chaos around me with growing anxiety. I hate living like this!

Sorry, sorry...what brought this on? The discovery of the best way to hang the nursery photos, and trips to three separate stores to get the number of hanging apparati necessary. Got enough to hang about 30% at one store, then ran out, and the other stores are out of stock. Just like the floating shelves I wanted were out of stock at IKEA, and just like the backup floating shelves I wanted at Home Depot were out of stock. And the list goes on. Sigh.

But I'll get over it, and in the meantime, I am sure I won't win the race, 'cause I just don't have the disposition right now, but once they edit the footage, it'll be a highly amusing show, to be sure. Once I find out who's producing the show and when it will air, I will let you know when to tune in...

A mountain of generosity

2010-09-19T11:37:00.000-04:00

Wow, what a fun weekend with some very special friends. It all started off with a spa pedi and mani with a fabulous friend, project 'grey elimination' at my hair salon, and then my Friday shower - an after-work cocktail hour confection bringing together some of the fun, intelligent, exceptional women I have met through my recent years in my career. All of them have become great friends.

Saturday began with a nice, long, in-depth meeting with our doulas. Some interesting troubleshooting happening with them, I have to say. Trying to consider all the various scenarios of how this birth will go, and how we wish to handle all the situations that might befall us, is interesting to say the least. I came away feeling excited about the possibilities, anxious about the outcomes, but secure in the knowledge that I have built up a great team around me to tackle all that may come our way. I have a number of detailed questions to ask the high-risk team at the General now that will help me know what is possible from their perspective, and I have some new resources to pursue to assist with other challenges I will have, such as breastfeeding and pumping challenges.

Then...another GREAT shower (the big one!) hosted by one of my longest and most dear friends, with help from a number of other key women in my life. How does one express how important the deep-seated and invaluable friendships are to me? I can't. I really and truly can't. Seeing women who have been my partying partners in crime, my sporty supports, my family for a lifetime, and friends of my husband who have become correspondingly essential additions to my posse portfolio all present to celebrate this crazy, exciting and transitory time in my life filled me with a sense of incredible gratitude, and a sense of how truly blessed I am. I love the thought and effort put into making the event special to me. I loved the banner made up for us that can be strung up to announce to the world of our great fortune. I loved my 'two peas in a pod' t-shirt that I will wear with pride as I parade around Ottawa shopping for last minute finishing touches to get ready for my little 'peas'. And I loved the laughter, the stories, the energy in the room. And, ya know...the mountain of presents that kept coming and coming and coming! I will never forget it, and I'm sure that the pictures, sure to be forwarded to me, won't LET me forget it!

And now? Now, I sit here, writing a blog post, and staring at a living room rife with miniature goods, snuggly things, rattling gadgets and pretty little outfits ready to be washed, packed away or put on appropriate display. I have work to do.

What a lovely weekend. What wonderful people are all around me. What a wonderful life.

I can't wait to introduce two new lives into the mix.

I passed a test!

2010-09-13T16:00:00.000-04:00

Of course, I failed the glucose test and now have 'class' every Wednesday afternoon all afternoon at the hospital re: controlling my gestational diabetes. And yes, that comes with a home testing kit for daily pricking (oh joy).

But the test I most wanted to pass was the echocardiogram on the girls. And we did. Finally, an appointment that didn't inspire a whole new set of appointments. Hearing the words, "We likely don't need to see you again." was sweet nectar to this tired mommy-to-be. Both hearts look fine and the blood flow is excellent, and although Baby B's heart is squished and slightly displaced, it is doing a good job pumping life blood through her. I just still have a very good feeling about all this. I believe strongly that after all the tough times, the end result will be good for her. But then again, I have to believe that for my sanity, don't I?

But yes. I think I've said before that I have never failed as many tests as I have during this pregnancy. So nice to get a passing grade for a change!

Fantasy and reality - the week ahead

2010-09-07T22:37:00.000-04:00

Just back from a late-nite jaunt to IKEA. Hmmm...the evening of the first day school, university and other educational institutions = not the best night to go! But that's okay, 'cause this Mommy to be has been scoping out her purchases for a while now. Where did I get the energy? From my afternoon NAP. That's Z-Z-Z-Z folks, and it felt great.

Being off work is an odd feeling, but there is so much to do that I have a lot of distractions. It was funny though that my first fully-formed thought this morning was of work and something I forgot to mention before I left! I successfully avoided emailing and diving back in, though. They will figure it out, right?

So this week. I am thinking of it as a mix of fantasy and reality. Part of my week (see IKEA note above) will be spent in the dreamy, fun, highly expectant planning of the twins' arrival. As I decorate the nursery and buy little odds and ends to finish things off, I will be imagining what it will be like to have them here, home, cuddling against me, blinking and waving their little fists...you know...the best of the best of times.

I will also be immersed in no less than three trips to the hospital for a barrage of tests and appointments. This, of course, the reality.

This morning was super fun....the dreaded glucose test. And not the first one, nooooooo.....I FAILED that one, necessitating a second, more in depth and uncomfortable test (can I just say that throughout this pregnancy, I have failed more tests than in the rest of my life combined?) that requires 12 hours of fasting, then drinking a sickeningly sweet 75g of glucose orange syrup, then sitting for an hour, nauseous with the sugar, followed by a blood test, followed by another one hour wait and another blood test. And no, you are not allowed to drink water, walk around or otherwise do anything other than sit. I finally got to eat at about 12:45pm today.

The other appointments? Our regular 2-week ultrasound and doctor appointment on Thursday, and then an in-depth fetal echocardiogram ultrasound at CHEO Friday to look for any issues with either of the twins' hearts.

On the menu for Thursday is a discussion about induction, scheduled c-sections and all the planning to come. After our meeting with the neonatologist last week, we discovered that it MIGHT be adviseable (contrary to the word that we had gotten from the doctors up to now) to schedule an induction. This would guarantee all hands on deck at the precise moment we need them for Baby B's care. While the 'on call' system is apparently excellent, it would be best not to take chances. BUT the dilemma for me is that I want to take both babies as far as possible in gestation, so...when to schedule this? Toss in the fact that these two little goobers have been breech for most of the last three months, and the focus on inducing labour might be a moot discussion, and a scheduled C necessary. I'm resigned to this possibility (while still hopeful that vaginal delivery could still happen) and see the potential pluses to this, not the least of which being the fact that a scheduled C would be the least tiring of the options, allowing Mom and Dad to cope a bit better with the stress of what is to come after the babies arrive. So...yeah...I want to have a good discussion about what we might wish to do moving forward.

The echocardiogram is being conducted both as preventative but also because babies with CDH can often have issues with their heart, due to displacement and pressure. From what I understand, having all those organs squished up there in that small space means the heart is pushed to the side to make room, and it can affect the blood pressure/flow and also the development of the heart. We are hopeful that nothing is amiss...

Aaaaand....basement renos continue. On the menu tomorrow/Thursday is framing to prepare for the electrician. Looking forward to having this come together also. Kinda tired of living in chaos in various parts of the house. Will be nice to have double the living space soon...when this is done, I can have some fun decorating and designing the playroom space down there. More fantasy and imagining...

And meanwhile? The babies continue to play trampoline with my bladder and paddy-cakes through the belly with Mommy.

Love.

Closer - Not just a Nine Inch Nails song

2010-09-01T19:30:00.000-04:00

We must be getting close - we are filling out our pre-admission forms for the hospital to hand in tomorrow. Friday marks the 30th week, and although I am hoping to take my little goobers as far as possible, a standard delivery 'full term' for twins is 36 weeks. So..yeah...getting closer.

Tomorrow is our meeting with the neonatologist. We plan to sit down tonight to organize our thoughts and write down all the questions we want to ask. So many questions! I just hope that this will be a fairly interactive session with a lot of dialogue to help us prepare mentally for how this is all going to go down (in consideration of the various scenarios, of course). In situations like this (and let's face it, in general), I crave information to calm me down, give me a sense of control (ha!)...

It's funny, too, because I also feel better the more I focus on this whole 'nesting' thing, and come up with solutions to help me better deal with what is to come. For instance, I recently gave some thought to how we might best cope with having one healthy baby with us and another in CHEO. We live clear across town, and particularly if I am breastfeeding, baby A will need to be with us, and likely both of us, as we traipse to the hospital for visits. Tomorrow we hope to find out about possible stays in Rogers House, or with my parents, or whatever, but I realized that it would be great to order and have the bassinet attachment for our stroller. This way, we have a portable bed for wherever we find ourselves, and it might help us extend our time at the hospital too. It's a really small thing, but it made me feel more organized against the chaos to come.

Friday is also my last day of work. This will both take a lot of time pressure off me, but also make me feel like we're closer to the amazing race day. I can't wait to focus full-time on preparation of the house, the clothes and supplies, and my mental state to get ready for this...

Oh, and a blog post is to come re: cloth diapering. I need your input and guidance, my mothering friends!

Oh, so THIS is what the 3rd Trimestre is gonna be like!

2010-08-31T21:03:00.000-04:00

I love being pregnant, don't get me wrong. When I feel tandem kicking and get a chance to play hide and seek with their little fists, I wouldn't change that for the world.

But, heaven help me get through the heartburn. This ain't just any heartburn, my friends...this is the 'can't even lean back without rising acid in my mouth' kinda burn. It will literally wake me up, choking, and the meds I have been cleared to use are not working!

This week has been awful so far. I haven't had a good night's sleep at all this week, and am desperately hoping for a better one tonight so that I can focus on my last three days of work before heading off on leave. Apparently it's time!

Did I mention that it is hard to walk and especially to stand still these days? Did I also mention my girlfriend, due one day before me with twins, rented a wheelchair for the month to get around? No? Well...she may be onto something!

Good thing the little goobers keep reminding me of how amazing this experience is...so whatever I have to face, it will be worth it!

More 3D shots

2010-08-27T22:16:00.000-04:00

Oh, I almost forgot to post some recent 3D shots of both baby A and baby B!

So here they are, at 26 weeks. I am now at 29 weeks and growing. They are each almost 3lbs each already.

So here's my question for you. I think they look very different from one another. Your thoughts?

CDH - Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia

2010-08-24T21:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm now up on the lingo around this issue! Henseforth, I will probably refer to my little goober's issue as CDH. We have another ultrasound and Dr.s appointment on Thursday. I'm hoping I get a different doctor this time: two weeks ago, I had one of those doctors who couldn't seem to answer my questions with a concise answer, choosing instead to go completely off-topic on diatribes of random information, wasting both his and my time.

Oh yes, and he also implied that whether my birth plan was to go without epidural or not, I would want one. Believe me, I mean this when I say I am going to do whatever I can to go the natural route (barring a lack of choice, of course). I have lots of support - my Mom, hubby and two doulas - and we shall see, but I really don't appreciate men who scoff at the idea that I can deliver without meds! Yes, it's still entirely possible that I will beg for it, but my PLAN is to try go without. Why is that something to laugh at?

So back to the CDH. I met an amazing little 16 mo. old girl last night. Her name is Georgia, and she survived CDH surgery shortly after birth. Her parents are wonderful, and her Mom, a blogger as well. Prior to heading over for the meeting, I had a look way back to the beginning of her tale to read up on what she experienced. Georgia's story is the very best case scenario, but nevertheless, it was still so very hard to read about in parts. It all became very real what we are going to experience in less than three months.

While speaking to Georgia's Mom, we discovered that she had met other parents in Ottawa dealing with the issue, but not in any organized way (in fact, she, like me, was just lucky to know people who knew people etc.), which got me thinking. The information you find online about this condition is either very clinical, or reflective of more international, or US-based information and statistics - but what of the experiences of the parents and babies locally? What about putting together a website and forum, and lining up experienced parents who have made it through to help other parents facing this crazy situation? Something I might consider...however I wish I had better html training to do it properly...any resources, ideas or volunteers?

So, have I mentioned before now how lucky we are to be here in Ottawa facing a baby with CDH? We are. After talking to both the CHEO surgeon, and comparing that to the information I got from Georgia's parents, we feel a lot more positive about the eventual outcome of this ordeal. Unlike other areas of the world, it seems the track record for Ottawa's survival rate is far better than the 50% worldwide rate. No, we don't really know the percentage, but last year we think there were at least 4 cases, and all survived. No, we also don't know to what extent the recovery was a complete one without residual medical conditions (which is entirely possible). We also don't know what the average recovery time was, which, according to the CHEO surgeon can be months - much longer than the one month Georgia spent in the hospital.

We are hoping we can get some anecdotal information from the neonatologist we are meeting next week. They are the primary and key players in this whole thing, as they are the ones who help to stabilize the baby upon birth and help her breathe, and they are also the ones who carefully tend to the poor little ones after their surgery. They know a lot about the care of these little ones, as well as the ins and outs of the experience for the parents. Not sure just how many combo twins/CDH cases they have, but they can probably answer some of our questions about how to be at the hospital and also have a baby to tend to NOT in the hospital. Can she come in to be with her sister, or will she have to be separated for the long haul? Where can one of us go with one baby while the other parent visits the hospitalized baby? What are our options for staying there/sleeping etc.? Lots of questions, you know? It's gonna be quite a challenge.

But we really do feel positive about her chances. We think it will all work out in the end. And we feel very, very supported by friends, family, the team of specialists who will help us all along, and now, the generous family that has been through this situation, and who selflessly offered us their time and insights. I will be sure to offer the same to any other parents-to-be facing a baby with CDH...

What's in a name?

2010-08-22T15:38:00.000-04:00

I bet I fooled you, and you thought this post would reveal the names we have chosen for our twin girls to come. Nope. Those, we are keeping under wraps until the big arrival. Sorry.

That said, the house is abuzz today with family and friends helping assemble furniture, patch walls, sort, clean and PURGE. While doing so, I was given a box I had put together of treasures from my past. Yes, folks, we're talking journals from my late teens/early 20's, love letters from past beaus, momentos from travels, film memorabilia from my days as an 'indie filmmaker' (and yes, I threw out approximately 40 VHS copies of my short film destined way back when for film festivals all over the world, recycling the cases. I will be taking my BETA master to a dubber to put it on DVD for posterity, so all is not lost!).

And, I came across a printout of the meaning of my name, Pam, that I had kept 'cause I thought it was hilarious. I'm curious what you all think...bang on? Yes, but?

Here it is:

Pam: Your first name of Pam has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person. Generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic. As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people. This name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances. You can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following any appreciation shown you. There are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating. You enjoy freedom from monotony and are stimulated by unexpected opportunities for meeting people, entertaining, or pursuing activities of a carefree nature. In your work, you find it difficult to be neat and orderly. You rarely plan things ahead of time, or follow a routine. Emotion and feeling, the desire to be carefree, friendly, and happy, are the driving forces in your being, rather than shrewdness, ambition, and material success.

Now I'm wondering...what does your name say about you? Have you looked it up? Got a funny one that's way off? Would love to hear.

And now...I can throw out that printout. Another successful purge. Yay for me.

Movin' right along!

2010-08-21T13:39:00.001-04:00

Finally.

Finally, the carpet installers got here and reinstalled new carpet in lieu of the botched job on the entire upper floor of our house. What does that mean for me? It means we have furniture again, and a spare bedroom again, AND we can FINALLY work on the nursery! I will be snapping photos along the way in order to create a before and after photo album to come soon.

So, moving forward, we have a custom closet 'solution' we are working on, we have chosen some fabric and a friend of my parents' will be sewing curtains and crib skirts, and we have repainted a lovely wood dresser to prepare it to be both storage and the change table. We have both cribs (one is together and the other to be assembled, likely tomorrow) and then from there, it's the little details. Lights, wall hanging (I have a great plan for this, but will surprise you), etc.

Of course, we also have to get the contractor in to tear up the entire basement and rebuild from ground up before October, and create storage solutions in our garage to accomodate the reduction in storage space in our home. So. Lots to still do.

Glad to be able to start!

Got cool reno albums? Took photos of your nursery creations? Would love to see them...!