So here I lay on the couch, on my 'vacation week', after a weekend in Tremblant where we cancelled two golf rounds and where I REALLY took advantage of the king sized bed at the Fairmont, watching Drew Carey sporting a really hideous hairstyle and waiting for one of the most important tests I have ever had, but not until tomorrow. The day stretches ahead of me, long and full of anxiety and terror that I may be losing this baby.
I don't get it. Why again? Why the hell am I bleeding? What is WRONG, dammit?
You feel so powerless. Our bodies do some incredibly amazing things, but unfortunately you can't open them up to see what is going on, and that means you simply wait to see. That sucks. So all I have to cling to is an ultrasound appointment I have tomorrow (a pre-existing appointment, thank god) that will hopefully reveal what could be the problem, and confirm that all is well....maybe. The other option is just something I don't want to contemplate yet.
All I know is that today won't feel like much of a vacation day. It will feel like purgatory for something I did that was very very wrong.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
I never thought I would be this woman
What happened to me? I became one of those people who allows all the small little jobs and messes to exponentially explode into a vast, intimidating mega-list of TO DO's.
And I don't know how to handle it. Really. It's like my personality doesn't allow me to see where to begin and how little efforts daily will get me to the end goal. I just don't know what to do. And, frankly, I don't have a husband who is helpful at all in this regard, as generally, he doesn't see the issues I see.
My mother, who comes back this week from Arizona, will be so disappointed that her own daughter let her home and garden get to this point.
Is it perfectionism? Laziness? Is it possible to be someone who can only be the idea girl and not the grinder? Am I just making excuses?
HELP!!!!
And I don't know how to handle it. Really. It's like my personality doesn't allow me to see where to begin and how little efforts daily will get me to the end goal. I just don't know what to do. And, frankly, I don't have a husband who is helpful at all in this regard, as generally, he doesn't see the issues I see.
My mother, who comes back this week from Arizona, will be so disappointed that her own daughter let her home and garden get to this point.
Is it perfectionism? Laziness? Is it possible to be someone who can only be the idea girl and not the grinder? Am I just making excuses?
HELP!!!!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Stinky poo poo
Bad days at work can really drain you, can't they? Why, in a professional setting, do some people forget their manners, forget to be considerate, and stop seeing people as what they are - people - and not just a box on an org. chart or a way to get a (big picture) meaningless task done?
But here's the thing. When you stop to breathe, refocus and get your perspective back, it sure does make you appreciate the loveliness that exists outside the confines of your work space.
I don't know. With a baby on the way, what's important just seems to be more prominent and rise to the surface these days anytime I am faced with frustrations or days that bring me down. I mean, as we speak, I have a wonderful husband BBQing some lovely T-bones. He has made the salad (and made extra so that I can have a healthy meal at lunch tomorrow), and prior to that he left to grocery shop for said food. AND he bought me a lovely gift and a very special "Mother to be" card Sunday for mother's day ... so what was my problem again?
Right. I didn't really have one.
But here's the thing. When you stop to breathe, refocus and get your perspective back, it sure does make you appreciate the loveliness that exists outside the confines of your work space.
I don't know. With a baby on the way, what's important just seems to be more prominent and rise to the surface these days anytime I am faced with frustrations or days that bring me down. I mean, as we speak, I have a wonderful husband BBQing some lovely T-bones. He has made the salad (and made extra so that I can have a healthy meal at lunch tomorrow), and prior to that he left to grocery shop for said food. AND he bought me a lovely gift and a very special "Mother to be" card Sunday for mother's day ... so what was my problem again?
Right. I didn't really have one.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Guilty pleasures
Okay. Admittedly, I like junk food. I like fast food. I like chips and popcorn and nachos and sometimes I like chocolate and candy and baking. And ever since I turned 30 and started to gain weight, when indulging in these empty calories, I have felt mild pangs of guilt at putting this non-food into my body.
But those light pangs are NOTHING compared to how I now feel every time I indulge now that there is a growing baby in my belly. I mean, damn...everything I put in there is going toward feeding the growing person inside of me, and if they are empty calories, then SHAME ON ME, right? But, it seems, cravings are VERY hard to ignore, and unfortunately, there ain't a single green, leafy vegetable on that list of coveted nosh day in and day out. Nope, momma to be wants Fudgesickles (and they had to be the real deal), and smoked meat poutine and ketchup chips and even bloody cotton candy (a shout out to my awesome husband for stopping at that sad little shopping mall parking lot fairground to pick up a fresh bag of spun sugar in Brockville last week...!), but uh...there isn't any asparagus or spinach on that list of 'must have's'!
So for Sunday dinner, is it okay to want (and have) chicken nachos?
Even if it's not, that is what I want and so that is what I'm gonna have damnit. And the guilt can just be damned. (Besides, I had three stalks of celery, plain, just now, so that's good, right?)
But those light pangs are NOTHING compared to how I now feel every time I indulge now that there is a growing baby in my belly. I mean, damn...everything I put in there is going toward feeding the growing person inside of me, and if they are empty calories, then SHAME ON ME, right? But, it seems, cravings are VERY hard to ignore, and unfortunately, there ain't a single green, leafy vegetable on that list of coveted nosh day in and day out. Nope, momma to be wants Fudgesickles (and they had to be the real deal), and smoked meat poutine and ketchup chips and even bloody cotton candy (a shout out to my awesome husband for stopping at that sad little shopping mall parking lot fairground to pick up a fresh bag of spun sugar in Brockville last week...!), but uh...there isn't any asparagus or spinach on that list of 'must have's'!
So for Sunday dinner, is it okay to want (and have) chicken nachos?
Even if it's not, that is what I want and so that is what I'm gonna have damnit. And the guilt can just be damned. (Besides, I had three stalks of celery, plain, just now, so that's good, right?)
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