So.
At the very least, the bleeding seems to have stopped. The hideous continuous reminder of the goriest kind has passed, allowing me to at least get back to a physical level of normalcy.
holy bejeezus, though...why? WHY?????
And now, back to work. Really? Really. I can't believe that I have to drop myself right back into my life, again. Back. Not forward, but back. A third time. In ONE SHITTY YEAR.
I don't do 'back' very well. And I certainly don't know if I can handle my workload at work right now. I know I don't WANT to, and that is perhaps why the task seems so insurmountable. I just want to...what? I don't know. Wallow. Curl into a ball. Escape. Travel. Self-soothe.
It's so heavy, the thought of doing things I HAVE to do, that on other days is so easy, so simple. I guess that is what depression feels like? I know I just need time, though, and a game plan. I hope to hell I will hear from my family doctor's office with a referral to the specialists. I need answers and I need to know how long we will have to wait to start looking into the future again. I need to take care of business by cancelling appointments, getting back on some sort of track for a better lifestyle, and I need to get away and do things deliberately that will allow me to enjoy my life again.
It has been a long time since I can honestly say that I was happy, and that I was doing things in my life to enjoy life and feel GOOD. I need to put effort into the following:
1. Respecting my body again (more on that another time - too long a story to get into now)
2. Making plans to get out of the house, and not just to go work out (although that is #3), but maybe join a dance class, or finally go rock climbing again, or just put some good music in my ear and enjoy a long walk.
3. Get those good pheromones flowing again. Time to not only respect my body, but do something with it.
4. Rekindle the fun with my partner. We're fine, really, but are we great? No. We are listless, frustrated, functioning, and very very boring at the moment. We need to have a little fun. We're looking at Vegas in the spring.
5. Mental health. I don't have it right now, in case you hadn't noticed. I need to get it back, even if that means paying someone to get there.
In the meantime, though, it is Sunday night and I am dreading my return to work to face the future back once again where I started a full year ago.
Wish I could send some positive energy to you. For all the good aspects of Web 2.0, there are still definite limits to how you can connect to other people. In situations of grief in particular, it's better to just be with someone and let them talk than to say much in return, so I feel pretty useless. I guess I just wanted you to know that I'm reading. Keep expressing. It's the healthiest thing you can do for your mind.
ReplyDeleteThank you Todd. All these experiences add dimension to our lives and allow us to appreciate the joy when it comes. I believe I will have this again, and hopefully soon. In the meantime, I think we have come up with a great idea this year - no big Xmas celebrations, but rather a big, bold ring in to 2010 - stockings, gifts etc. to be opened on January 1, 2010. Time to put last year behind us. And go golfing in Palm Springs for xmas....
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