The catharsis of gardening

After 2pm today, I was finally free to think of this latest news as being on its way to over. And then...I planted. And weeded. And moved perennials. And felt better knowing that I was surrounded by life and sunshine and getting my hands dirty in order to feel cleansed. It truly succeeded in soothing me; it was remarkable.

I don't begin to know why this happened to us. Again. I also don't really know what to say, feel, think, do with myself. I certqainly can't even contemplate going back to my usual life again. It's a daunting prospect, and I think I am going to need some time in relative solitude to cope. My husband, who is hurting and so very frustrated at being powerless to help or do anything, is all I want, and even when he hugs me, I feel like I just can't get close enough. I wish I could just meld into his skin and just not be me for a little while, you know?

And now that the sun is setting and I can't distract myself anymore with gardening, I am SO FRIGGIN' THANKFUL that there is something to watch on tv to help me stay distracted - So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD) - and so here I go, watching beauty in motion and emotion. Should be good...

And tomorrow will be another day.

5 am, alone and numb

Today I get to put two tablets in a less than cool place in order to induce a miscarriage that for all intents and purposes should have happened almost 5 weeks ago. Let me tell you, it doesn't feel good to know that your hopes and dreams are no longer alive but still in your body. That's about as polite and as blunt as I can be.

The sun is coming up, the birds are chirping, and I wish I could sleep because right now, that is my only hope for relief from the accidental purgatory I am in.

Not sure what I did to deserve this, but I sure wish I was not living this day right now...

Out of the wordwork to sooth my soul

So many stories! I cannot get over how many people I know have had bleeding during (and even throughout) their pregnancies! And it is making me feel MUCH better. So only a few hours to wait for the ultrasound to know for sure if everything is okay, but I am feeling MUCH more optimistic than I was. This pregnancy stuff is pretty laden with anxiety. Maybe that is part of my problem. With no medical issues throughout my life, it didn't occur to me that I might have issues with carrying a baby. Not sure why I am so naive sometimes, but better that than to be continously pessimistic and/or expecting the worst...

So...what is there to eat in this house? I'm hungry!

The power of positivity and the Internet

So after a lot of hours have passed, and a number of discussion posts have assured me that other mommies to be have experienced bleeding like mine and still had healthy babies, I am choosing to be highly optimistic about our chances that all will be okay. Maybe it is delusional (who knows, right?), but at least it is allowing me a modicum of peace of mind.

And by tomorrow afternoon, if all goes well, I will have heard a little, quick-paced heartbeat, and told what might be happening. And even if I don't have information about what is causing the bleeding, if the ultrasound reveals all is well with the baby and I hear that miniature heart pounding, then life will be good.

And that is how I choose to see my world tonight.