Terrified - it's not Halloween yet, though, so what's up?

So...it has taken a couple of days for me to calm down a bit in order to get this blog post out. 

On Thursday we went for our last of the bi-weekly ultrasound and clinic appointments (here on out the plan was to move to weekly appointments until the twins arrive).  The ultrasound was booked for 1pm and we finally left the hospital at about 6:40pm.  Yeah...if you are thinking that doesn't sound good, you'd be right, but it might not be as bad as you THINK it is, but this particular Mommy to be is admittedly scared out of her wits right now.

So what happened?  Well, the ultrasound measurements revealed that our little Baby B, who is undersized to begin with, has not grown in the two weeks since her last ultrasound.  Baby A is still under 5 lbs too, which is pretty low, but it's really scary that Baby B, even when you toss aside her abdomen measurements (which are generally not a good indication of her size), only gained 1 oz and is still under 4 lbs in their estimation. 

What did that mean?  Well, it meant that we waited well over 1/2 an hour for the doctors to study the ultrasound results and it meant that when we did speak to the doctors, the weekly visits changed immediately to an order for two ultrasounds next week - the first asap on Tuesday and another on Friday, as well as a clinic appointment on Thursday.  It also meant a trip down the hall to triage before we left for a NST - or non-stress test - to monitor the babies' hearts and particularly movements.  The nurses were happy with the results and the babies were moving really well, but it was scary and took another hour, then another 1/2 hour to wait for the doctor to officially release us to go home.

We were ordered to:

a) pack our bags and bring what we need to be admitted to all future appointments just in case they have to deliver the babies

b) take it easy, as Baby A is still solidly breech, but worse, the umbilical chord is presenting, so they want us in the hospital IMMEDIATELY upon any sign of labour, as apparently the membrane can rupture and the chord can come out, which is not good - Momma has to take it a lot more easy than she has been...

c) monitor the babies' movements, especially Baby B's to ensure all is well (had a real scare yesterday as I didn't clearly distinguish her movements for a number of hours) - but I find this really hard, since there are two there, and Baby B's feet are often in the same area as Baby A's much stronger fists/arms. Eventually, after I had a nap, she started moving around again, but I'm still totally stressed

and finally d) (this was not the doctor's orders at all, but our own priority) - we have to get the bloody house in order even more urgently now.  Ideally, we have at least another full week of work ahead to be totally prepared, but at the very least we have a few must do's!

So yes...this weekend we have been putting together the stroller, putting in car seat #1 for Baby A, getting the playard set up on the main floor, and packing our bags etc. as well as trying to do the cleaning, organizing and purging we need to get done.  Meanwhile...we're terrified about having to deliver these babies so soon.  Under normal circumstances both babies would be far enough along to do well and come home in a reasonable time, but with the hernia issue in Baby B...it's so important to take her as far as possible. 

I'm terrified by her latest status, her current size (under 4lbs is too small - but I don't know that clinically it is - the doctors haven't said to me that it is, nor would they probably predict this), and what might happen this week.  I'm ready to meet my babies, but the positivity and confidence I had in Baby B's outcome was based on taking the two of them a lot further into their gestation. 

Emotionally, I'm just okay.  I was doing so well, but now? Beyond the fear of what might happen, I can honestly say that I'm starting to be resentful.  I'm just so tired of how bumpy this ride has been, ya know?  I'm annoyed that underlining all of our preparations, there is fear of loss.  I'm angry that we are rushing through the last-minute preparation and not truly enjoying the process. It's just once again more 'excitement tempered by a dose of caution and reality'. 

Why can't we just be allowed to enjoy?  It's angering. And...I'm starting to accept that I also won't be able to deliver these babies, but instead they will be yanked from me via C-section.  Okay for some, but certainly not what I was looking forward to. But then...what part of this pregnancy has turned out to be what I hoped it would be? 

Sorry to be so negative.  I'm not a negative person, in general.  But.  It's an honest account of what my head space is like sometimes. 

Other times?  I'm so happy to have at least gotten to this point. I'm enjoying seeing the stroller ready to go, and the little outfit picked out for when Baby A comes home.  I still am totally thankful for all that we DO have and all that we have accomplished.  We are truly blessed.

And so...yes, it's Thanksgiving and not Halloween. I'm taking it easy and hoping for the best.  And I will try to reserve 'fright night' for another week...