Insights for the New Mom Series - Anxiety

So, although not overtly intended to be advice, a lot of my recent posts could easily serve to help new expectant mothers (and especially mothers of multiples) prepare for what is to come.  I thought that here and there I would expressly write posts that detail experiences that I imagine can be universal, or unexpected, or issues that can crop up that would have been good to know beforehand.

Such as...anxiety.

I just never really gave much thought to how I would feel after the babies arrived in terms of stress or facing the challenges.  I DID worry about post-partum depression, but other than that, you just think "It'll be hard but so wonderful to finally be a Mom!".  But here's the thing.  I bet even the most experienced former babysitters who thought they would be 'naturals' at child-rearing have experienced anxiety in the early days. 

What do I mean by anxiety? I mean a full-on panicky feeling onset by a lack of sleep, fear of what lies ahead (like a long sleepless night when you are already exhausted, for instance), or feeling overwhelmed and knowing that there will be NO MORE relaxing, long sleeps or freedom from having a baby to worry about.  Yes, you are ecstatic to have successfully given birth to a (hopefully) healthy baby, but you have to face the emotions that you will feel when deprived of sleep, overwhelmed at the tasks ahead, and feeling like it won't end anytime soon. 

And, I have to say, that these feelings come in full partnership with guilt for even thinking this way, and cause a LOT of stress that both you and your baby feel...and...it will affect your breast milk production.  A vicious circle.

But it gets better. Don't think about the distant future. Just think about the hour to come and how the babies are happy and healthy and doing fine, and so are you.  Try to relax and know you are doing a good job.  Try to get help so that you can take a bath, or catch a nap, or go for a walk to get some fresh air.

Relaaaaaaaaax.

And if you can't relax that night, then know that it gets easier, you get more accustomed to being a Mom, and yes, you will actually start to enjoy the demands placed on you and feel more than competent to handle them.

Eventually.

Cat got your tongue, or just tied it up?

The challenges, trials and learning continue re: breastfeeding my little girls.  The latest challenge now is tongue-tie.  Yup...we think little Hailey may also (on top of her crazy first month of life and her ongoing struggles with reflux or aspiration or whatever is going on inside her little body) have an issue with her latch/sucking ability.

This means that all my efforts to bring in my milk enough for two, put them both on the breast and satisfy them is not truly working.  And the worst part is that not only is there an issue with Hailey not getting enough milk when she sucks, but also with her ability to help Mommy cultivate more milk.

So.  More strategy.  We are heading to another La Leche League free multiples breastfeeding group meeting tomorrow, hosted by my excellent lactation consultant, Beth, to have her have another look-see.  Then we have a meeting with our family doctor on Thursday. (OK, correction, we have our 2 month appointment for the girls, and all parents know what this means...it's vaccine day.  NOT looking forward to this.  Two upset babies.  Ugh.  Not to mention sticking my precious littles.  But it has to be done, and compared to what we saw Hailey go through...) With our family doctor, we will further determine how to proceed, but likely we will want to fix this issue asap, or else have to continue with the status quo.  On top of this, my birth doula will be stopping in on Friday and she can also have a look.  That's three professional opinions.  I should have figured out by then what we are going to do.

What is the status quo? Well, it is an effort each morning until about 1 or 2pm to feed both girls exclusively on the breast.  This deteriorates throughout the morning into crankiness on the parts of both girls, but particularly Hailey, who doesn't feed well, delatches when there is good letdown, and gives up when the milk slows down. Breastfeeding Moms know that this means she gets mostly foremilk.  ALSO not good. 

Round about 1:30pm or so, I generally prepare a bottle of 1/2 breastmilk (pumped the night before, throughout the night, instead of sleeping through with the girls) 1/2 formula to tide her over.  I also have to give Alex a supplement of formula to make her happy.  It works, but it is certainly not ideal.

Yes, people, the whole breastfeeding thing is a challenge.  A massive one with twins.  I am on more medication (various pillls like domperidone, and herb capsule of fenugreek etc. plus pregnancy vitamins, iron supplements...) than I have ever been at any point in time in my life, to bring in milk. I have an elaborate system I have had to work out for breastfeeding, supplementing, sterilizing bottles, etc. and as mentioned, sacrifice sleep regularly in order to fulfill the goal.

And I have come to terms with this.  My girls have gotten a LOT of breastmilk.  They continue to get MOSTLY breastmilk. I may have been disappointed with this - heavy hearted even - before, but now? I'm mostly proud, actually.  I'm doing pretty darn well, given the background story we've been living. And what I have learned about breastfeeding could fill a damn book at this point.  It's nutso.

I'll keep you posted as to whether or not Hailey has to once again have a medical procedure done. She's an old hand at it...what's another small operation, right? (a really small one).

Any of you deal with tongue-tie? What was your experience?

Enough with the photos, right?

So I finally had a few minutes to finally figure out how to create a Flickr feed onto the blog, set up a page exclusively for the slideshow, and upload photos to my Flickr page.  This will mean that I don't have to post a million photos to my main page posts, but you can see all the latest shots on the latest photos tab on the top right of this blog.

It's still not fancy coding or design - one of these days I will take some training and do a much better job of this - but it's still cool and new and a better way to showcase my new and beautiful little family...

Do you have tips for me?  I know there are ways to upload photos from my mobile phone to Flickr? How does one do that? One day I hope to have time to figure that out too...

In the meantime, hope you like it!

On lotteries and life

Seemed an appropriate title, given that today, thanks to a great contact found on Twitter, we had a free photo shoot with a lovely local photographer.  Its just one of the amazing experiences I have gleaned from this little microblogging site, and I cannot understate the role it had in my life in 2010.

And what a year it was. All one has to do is read my blog this past year to know that this was hands down the most eventful, monumental, exceptional years of my life, and one that rocked the foundation upon which the prior 37 years had been based.

But it's all good, people, it's ALL GOOD.

Because, as painful and heartbreaking as the year was, it was also the most beautiful, and it culminated in the arrival of our delicioius twin girls, Alexandra and Hailey. Life at its most incredible, and most fragile, was illustrated to us.  Life at its most resilient and death-defying, was also illustrated.  And through it all, we have a new and healthy family. 

This year also crystalized for me my awareness of the incredible community of family and friends we have backing and supporting us as we tackle life's unique challenges.  What can be said about this support except that we are very, very fortunate people.  As far as I am concerned, we have won the global lottery where we are and with what we have.  It's not overstated or sentimental; it is fact.

And so...while I don't have a lot of time to summarize what has happened, I can flash back to this time, and know that moving forward it will make me appreciate the incredible moments that are already stacking up.

My only wish is that others have such experiences.  Happy New Year everyone...may it be wondrous, new, and ground-breaking, as ours will be.