Leading a double life

Back at work - Where on earth did a full year go? - and thinking to myself that this whole experience is rather surreal.  You wake, madly change diapers, struggle to get babies into clothes, feed them (no small feat with two), pack up, get them into shoes and jackets and get out the door. You dump them at daycare (no, not literally) and then BOOM.  All of a sudden you are watching the clock, thinking about bus schedules, your lipstick, and the project you are working on at work. 

You arrive at your destination, saunter into a coffee shop perhaps, and then launch brilliantly into adult-speak, discussing the politics of the day, strategies, meetings, clients, projects etc. etc. etc. You continue throughout the day, relaxed while reading, thinking, discussing and in between casually deciding what to eat for lunch (with the luxury of time and a myriad of options), and whether to meet up with a former coworker to laugh and reconnect. 

Then, as the end of the workday approaches, there you are...thoughts of giggly babies seeping into your subconscious; a level of anxiousness to see your girls, laugh with them, wiggle their toes and point at birds in the sky all of a sudden more pressing than anything you are currently typing on the computer.  You are lost to the workforce once again until, tired but looking forward to another work day, you awake, complete your morning routine and send your babies off to daycare.

Don't get me wrong - it feels quite wonderful, and it will be nice to have a balance of experiences to enrich my life again, but boy - what a study in contrasts!

I'm curious how other moms did when they went back to work? I'm not super emotional about it, but I miss my girls so much as the afternoon approaches...

Google+ n Stuff

Do you see me?  I'm under that rock.  Have been for some time now.  It's awfully interesting under this rock, and I've been very happy here; however I'm getting tired of the same scenery and occasionally I'm now peeking out to see what else is out there. 

It looks different. It's a bit mysterious and many new things have sprouted over the various seasons that have come and gone. Stuff I need to know about if I'm going to go back out there, to that job that pays me so that we can live in our shiny new house.

I only know about a few new shiny toys out there - Google+, Pinterest...but there are many many more I must explore!  I'm both excited and trepidatious about this - how will I find the time? Which creations are the most applicable to the public service? What are the ins and outs of each, and what about analytics, policies and management?  So much to see and learn!!!

So, my social media savvy friends.  What new shiny toys have the greatest potential for use by, or consideration for, the public service?

What new info is out about security, analysis, and management of social media properties for government? 

What are your favourite articles of recent release that can kickstart my exploration of the world beyond my rock?

Respectfully yours,
She who has spawned under a rock but now must leave the hiding place to seek out sustenance for her family

Supreme sustenance - super solid foods!

You may recall that I introduced solids to the girls about two weeks ago - just a little rice and oatmeal cereal - and that we captured it on camera and video. It's such a BIG DEAL when you really think about it - these milestones are so emotional for Moms, aren't they? Hailey, as with most things, was so serious!

And today, I made their first real foods.  I'm excited to be able to make their food from scratch and there is so much to choose from!  What to start with?  Well, I thought we'd go standard and cook up some carrot and some broccoli.  We even have this cool little storage tray with inserts for baby-size portions.  Fun!

So colourful.  That's how you know it's healthy! 

And so I tweeted out my first forays into this new stage and posed the question - what else should I look at introducing? - and got great suggestions.  Banana, sugar-free apple sauce, avocado (yum), sweet potato, squash, peas, etc.  I also got a very funny link from my friend Dani who wrote a blog post about HER first attempts at making her baby's own food.  Thought I would share.  Nothing quite that exciting happened here, I'm afraid...

So.  What else did you introduce?  What are your suggestions?  Oh, and how did you all handle the new and fabulous olfactory-stimulating presents awaiting you at the other end?  Holy crapola (pun entirely intended)...!

6 Months - Solid fun

First, a quick update on the 'togetherness' project.  MOST nights, it's a success. They go to sleep easily, they sleep through the night, and yeah...they wake each other up at the same time in the morning.  However...it has proven not to be TOO much of an issue, as at least one is more progressed in their hunger than the other, and I can usually satisfy one hungry tummy before the next is begging for nourishment.  That said, the toughest challenge has been the fact that their schedule is so close for the rest of the day!  There have been a few too many instances without Daddy around of 'baby bird nest', where I feel like I only have one worm but two wailing beaks...and that's not fun. But I guess that's the way twins are.  When Daddy or a second adult are around, it's a breeze, and fun, and when I'm alone with them, it's generally great, but admittedly challenging, and sometimes upsetting and frustrating. And there have been a couple of rocky nights, and instances of one setting off the other, which is hectic when it happens - especially in the middle of the night.

However.  My babies are SIX MONTHS OLD, people!  Holy cow, how did THAT happen? Just yesterday we gave them rice cereal, their first solid food, ever.  They gulped it down like pros.  My little Alex is emulating Mommy and 'chewing' when I am eating now, reaching for the food I have in my hands.  Hailey, my picky milk drinker, had no trouble whatsoever with the food.  So cool. So  momentous. So....ah hell...upsetting!  I want my babies to stay babies!  Does anyone ever talk about the push/pull feelings moms go through as their children grow?  Especially when they know it is their last kick at that can?  It's crazy!

Here, a couple shots and a video of Hailey and her meal (Alex's photos are on the big camera, and I haven't had a chance to download and reduce their size):

Lots of fun times, change and adventure on the horizon, my friends - and sometimes, it's gonna be messy!

Way back when...

Things are moving so fast.  I want to slow them down. I'm excited by the new developments and dream of all the cool things the twins will soon be able to do, but just indulge me for a moment as I go backwards.  I have a slight cold, thus my slight tip toward nostalgia.

The other day, I downloaded photos and videos from our very high-tech and lovely videocamera. I love this camera. So easy to use.  However...not so easy to figure out how to format, edit and reduce the size of the videos, so videos will not be posted today.  That said, the video camera takes photos.  The photos downloaded included many from the day the babies were born.

What do I remember from that day? Panicky fear, extreme jubilation, rising trepidation, fuzzy snapshots of activity, the feel of my baby in my arms and against my chest, the feeling of having my other baby held at arm's length and taken away, helpless to change that fact. I can't even begin to describe the kaleidoscope of emotions that day conjures up.

Here, a few snapshots from that day.

There's nothing more to say. This momentous day will forever be etched in my deepest places, and although these shots are all of my little Alex, both of my little girls are my heart and my soul. I am so very very blessed.

What's the word on the beach, you ask?

Oh, how I miss my blog!  As I sit here at my parents' dining room table, I have one baby not sleeping and starting to fuss in her playpen, another being fed with dual effort of Dad and Grandpa, and Grandma trying to get dinner going.  What am I doing?  Well, I am trying to cluster-pump to try get ahead of the game, as each 3 hour period, I try to fit in feeds to little Alex, as well as pump enough for Hailey's feeds.  I have been playing catch-up ever since they used all my frozen stores at CHEO for her overnight feeds.  It's stressful, since I absolutely HAVE to pump a minimum of a certain amount each 3 hours, and the stress has sometimes limited my supply (not to mention lack of sleep, lack of food and not always hydrating enough).

I will say this about that...breastfeeding is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.  Bar none.  It's worth it, but boy...with twins, it's a crazy, crazy never-ending job.

On Friday, December 3, exactly one month after the twins' birth, Hailey was released from the CHEO hospital. It was a long day, as the night before was a bad night for babies in the Ottawa area, and what was a relatively calm NICU became over-booked with new admissions.  This meant that morning 'rounds', where all the amazing medical staff (dieticians, resperatory technicians, nurses, pediatricians, neonatologists, etc.) review each case and discuss the treatment plans for the next 24 hours took an incredibly long time.  It also meant that the pediatrician who had to go through our Hailey's files for her release could not get to it until late in the day.  It was a long, chaotic day.  In fact...a long chaotic month, which I do believe has heavily affected Alex. More on Alex to come.


So yes.  Hailey was released, and by all accounts her recovery was remarkable.  The previous post that outlined her surgery reveals how extensive the abdominal reconfiguration was, and the fact that our only challenge in the end was to get her to gain weight through feeds is incredible.  One of these days I will chart the timeline and put it down to see the whole picture, but it is all testament to the incredible work of Hailey herself, but the incredible CHEO staff.  On our departure, we left behind a big gift basket filled with sweets and chocolates to make their shifts a bit better over the next few days, but nothing can truly compensate for what they did to save my little one's life.  Such an incredible team of selfless and loving people I have never met.  What they do is so hard, yet it makes such a massive difference.

Now, for the first time ever, we are back at Grandma and Grandpa's house, and I haven't had to go ANYWHERE for the last two days.  It feels GREAT to just be here, in the moment.  Later this week we begin the move back to our home in Kanata and by the weekend, we will finally be in our home.  It will still be really hard, but it will be normal.  Gawd I love the sound of that. 

And who knows?  Maybe I will be able to blog once in a blue moon, if all the stars align and I have a free moment.

Thanks to everyone for all their support, love, prayers and congratulations.  What a ride!

Here are a few shots from our last day:

New socks for both Hailey and for Alex (outfits came later, but ultimately, Hailey ended up in a fresh sleeper.  There was, uh, an incident, let's call it, with Grandpa on the scale which we were using as a change table...) Can you tell who is who?

Dylan the dragon and some friends all packed up and ready to go.

Grandma in the isolation room (our 'hotel' room over the final three days where this Mom was trying to ensure Hailey got enough nourishment to grow and gain weight in order to go home).

Mommy holding Hailey just before her release.

Hailey loaded into her car seat for her first trip out of the hospital - the air is good there, but fresh is best!!!

Daddy ready to roll with both his little girls. 

What all parents of CHEO babies pray for...

And when we got home, Mommy gave Hailey her first bath, then wrapped her in her duckie blanket.  The heart melts...

Ahhh....

A poem of love and welcome

Tumbling, squirming
punching, kicking
you grew from nothing
but the love and desire
of two who want you
love you
more than you will ever know

Inside, you two together
make me laugh
worry, pee and smile
so safe and cozy
but life isn't and so
you must join us, tomorrow
where we'll be here for you every day thereafter

You may not know it
but you are the core
of all that we are
and all that is beautiful
in life
worth any and all
heartbreak, fear, sacrifice, risk

Convinced of  your strength
and with our conviction
that you will fight
for every breath
for life
an army of love
is behind you both

Welcome, my twins
meeting you both
will be powerful
momentous
the biggest event ever to take place
in our lives, and the start
of your amazing journeys

Closer - Not just a Nine Inch Nails song

We must be getting close - we are filling out our pre-admission forms for the hospital to hand in tomorrow. Friday marks the 30th week, and although I am hoping to take my little goobers as far as possible, a standard delivery 'full term' for twins is 36 weeks.  So..yeah...getting closer.

Tomorrow is our meeting with the neonatologist.  We plan to sit down tonight to organize our thoughts and write down all the questions we want to ask.  So many questions!  I just hope that this will be a fairly interactive session with a lot of dialogue to help us prepare mentally for how this is all going to go down (in consideration of the various scenarios, of course).  In situations like this (and let's face it, in general), I crave information to calm me down, give me a sense of control (ha!)...

It's funny, too, because I also feel better the more I focus on this whole 'nesting' thing, and come up with solutions to help me better deal with what is to come.  For instance, I recently gave some thought to how we might best cope with having one healthy baby with us and another in CHEO.  We live clear across town, and particularly if I am breastfeeding, baby A will need to be with us, and likely both of us, as we traipse to the hospital for visits.  Tomorrow we hope to find out about possible stays in Rogers House, or with my parents, or whatever, but I realized that it would be great to order and have the bassinet attachment for our stroller.  This way, we have a portable bed for wherever we find ourselves, and it might help us extend our time at the hospital too.  It's a really small thing, but it made me feel more organized against the chaos to come.

Friday is also my last day of work.  This will both take a lot of time pressure off me, but also make me feel like we're closer to the amazing race day.  I can't wait to focus full-time on preparation of the house, the clothes and supplies, and my mental state to get ready for this...

Oh, and a blog post is to come re: cloth diapering.  I need your input and guidance, my mothering friends!

Baby B - An update and a surprise preview

It has been a long day, but all told, not nearly as stressful as it could have been. First, let's get to the fun part. After almost an hour-long diagnostic ultrasound, our technician surprised us by producing a 4D ultrasound wand, and this photo of our beautiful goober, uber-fighter, baby B:

We don't have a shot of Baby A, as she her back was to us, facing my spine.

Cute as hell, right? 

And what of her story?  We have some more chapters to include, thanks to our long meeting with the doctor today at the General.

Where to start?  Well, both babies have had a good growth week, and Baby B especially, so she is now no longer in a low weight concern category, so Mommy is pretty pleased about that!  She was also incredibly active during the ultrasound, which we loved seeing too. 

She, and her twin sister, had both shifted to be in a breech, or feet down position, so that meant that all those crazy kicks were from both of them, when I actually thought it was only baby A...

And what of her condition?  Well, here's the scoop, as we understand it.

What our little goober has is called a Diaphragmatic Hernia. There are a couple things in our favour, we found out.  First, the hernia is located on the left side, which has a better outcome than if it were on the right. Second, the liver has NOT also relocated to inside the cavity, and this is also very very good, we are told. The stomach and part of the bowels are there at this time, but the above is apparently good news.  On the slightly negative side, the lung measurements were sub-par relative to the growth of the baby's head, which is not great, but then, last week, baby B was considered underweight, and this week, she'd had a growth spurt and there are no issues, so...we hope this will change.

What else?  Well, the doctor, looking at our original IPS nuchal fold measurement, combined with today's measurements, said that baby B looks great, and the chance that she has Down's is still very low.  So, rather than risk bringing on the onset of early labour by doing an amnio, he recommends against it but feels pretty positive that her chances are very good on that front.  Congenital defects like this DO tend to drive up the chance of issues like Downs, but this type of issue doesn't affect the ratio/chances all that much.  So this has helped us relax a bit too.

So what now?  Well, now we meet with CHEO surgeons, neonatal specialists, and go for appointments and ultrasounds every two weeks at The General. We also wait to see how strong baby B can get, and how well her lungs are able to develop in this small space.  But really, we wait for the delivery to see if she can breathe... From what we are told, there is about a 60-80% chance that she will be able to breathe enough to survive, that we can stablize her, and then get her into surgery to fix the problem.  But really, we won't know this for sure until after she is born.  Plain and simple.  And not so simple, emotionally, but still better to know where this all stands.

The nice bonus today?  The doctor has placed back on the table the possibility that we can try to deliver naturally, and not have to have a scheduled C-section.  If both babies are head down, he doesn't see a reason why we cannot try, and if baby A is head down, he would still consider it.  Mommy is VERY happy about that, and I am sure our doulas will be happy to know this also. If this doesn't work out, then great, but at least this is still a possibility.

So.  Yes, we have a little girl here fighting for her life, but she has a good chance.  And I just have to believe that because Mommy is strong, positive and in love with her two little miracles, that this will be enough.  Only time will tell.

Motley Crue sang about it, and we're gonna live it...Girls, Girls, Girls!

Yes, the ultrasound revealed...our home will be FILLED with giggles, flirtatiousness, pink clothing (gak) and a lack of pee pee tee pees - 'cause we're having TWO GIRLS.

Didn't expect that, really.  Don't know why, but all the kids on my hubbie's side have been boys, and I just for some reason thought that we'd have at least one boy, but girls are great, and we can't wait...

But just so we are clear...pink will be worn as CLOTHING only due to necessity (don't want those well-meaning ooers and aaaahers mistaking them for boys, just 'cause they are in red or something), but the nursery will be decorated with primary, bright colours, which kids love.  And Barbies?  We'll see how long I can avoid them and push the Lego.  Sports, ladies?  Let's go swimming instead, or play catch!

We are very excited....wow....now for name picking!

Out with the old, in with the new

So last night, as I was enjoying a nice dinner with my parents, I mentioned the fact that my belly is already so big that I was getting stressed about how I was going to get the belly ring out of my belly, since the ring opening function wasn't working. Essentially if it didn't come out soon, it was gonna rip out.

Thus, the scene five minutes later, with me and my top hiked up and Dad coming at me with wire-cutting capable pliers. 

I got the belly ring in my 20's, when indie films was my game, and scraping money together for rent each month was my key objective.  Times change.  Yes, if I wanted to put the ring back in, I might be able to, but you know? That belly ring was the old, and there's a LOT of new about to happen. 

I  think I will just focus instead on trying to get the belly back to FLAT after the twins arrive. That, in and of itself, will be a tough objective to achieve.

Just another little defining moment on this cool journey.  What were some of yours?