Thanksgiving weekend it is then

Friday, October 7 is the date set for Hailey's surgery.  I hope we don't have any episodes before then forcing us to go in prematurely, but if all goes well, the Friday before Thanksgiving weekend it is.  My thinking? It's good timing.  Hubby has Monday off just in case, and with any luck (and lots of thanksgiving for the blessings we have been given), we will be in and out before the weekend is over.

Here's hoping.

Until then...one more month of playdates and fun times with the girls - who's in?

Heading out to Insmill

FIVE days, my friends, only five days until we get the keys to our new home and pack up the memories, growing pains and amazing times along with the furniture and the knick nacks.  That, and move the most precious cargo we will ever have over to their new digs.  This is huge.  I've been sneaking in a box or two here and there and even took artwork off the wall today, so yeah, it's looking like a move is imminent now!

We bought our little home back in 2003 and moved in when my hubby and I were only dating. I bought it with my own financing, on only my little salary (at the time). We bought it the day it went on the market because we had been searching for weeks for the right place in the right location that fit our budget.  Believe me, we knew the minute it came up that we wanted it because frankly?  We knew that there was only one or two places in town that had anything close to what we wanted.  With already two second showings booked for the next day, and nothing else comparable on the market, somehow or other our offer was accepted on that very night. (We won't talk here about the fact that both of us were living with our parents at the time or about the incident in my car in a parking lot on the Rockliffe parkway.)

We thought we were the luckiest couple in the city.

It's crazy to think of everything we have been through here, and all the memories we created. Marriage, three miscarriages, birth of twins, job changes...and a lot of fun and adventure in between.  And yeah, the house itself went through a lot with us as its loving parents, starting with ripping out the main floor carpet immediately, and ending with a new nursery with a lot in between (and a lot you don't immediately see - furnace, air conditioner, roof....I HATE those bills. You know, the ones you just HAVE to pay for but aren't as tangible or pretty or picturesque).  Along the way, I blogged about some of the bigger changes.  The new kitchen, the new basement, the babies' nursery, our garden/deck.  It's fun to look back to see what got us to the point that this was how it presented for sale.

And now we have another home, and more opportunity to make it our own.  No, nothing needs to be done to it. It's lovely.  But, I am already envisioning the future, and that future has an even better, more personalized kitchen, and new paint colours, furniture and decor. At its centre is a growing, funloving, active family in a wonderful neighbourhood.  I can't wait to explore our future in our new home.

Grandma and Grandpa

What can I say about how special it is to have Grandma and Grandpa here in town, loving the girls, laughing with them, and just generally supporting us in every way?  It is simply an amazing feeling, and at times a blessed relief, to know they are there.  On days when I know we are going to see them, I feel thankful, relieved and relaxed knowing it will be a smooth and fun day.  We are all winning, and that feels good.

So yeah, Grandma and Grandpa are coming over today.  We are going swimming, and having fun, and laughing and hangin' out. It's icing on the cake, too, that they are stickin' around so that Daddy and Mommy can have a date night - dinner and a movie (Bad Teacher better be good - we haven't been to a film in AGES). 

I love my girls' Grandma and Grandpa.  I loathe the idea of them heading to Arizona this winter.

Boo.

Way back when...

Things are moving so fast.  I want to slow them down. I'm excited by the new developments and dream of all the cool things the twins will soon be able to do, but just indulge me for a moment as I go backwards.  I have a slight cold, thus my slight tip toward nostalgia.

The other day, I downloaded photos and videos from our very high-tech and lovely videocamera. I love this camera. So easy to use.  However...not so easy to figure out how to format, edit and reduce the size of the videos, so videos will not be posted today.  That said, the video camera takes photos.  The photos downloaded included many from the day the babies were born.

What do I remember from that day? Panicky fear, extreme jubilation, rising trepidation, fuzzy snapshots of activity, the feel of my baby in my arms and against my chest, the feeling of having my other baby held at arm's length and taken away, helpless to change that fact. I can't even begin to describe the kaleidoscope of emotions that day conjures up.

Here, a few snapshots from that day.

There's nothing more to say. This momentous day will forever be etched in my deepest places, and although these shots are all of my little Alex, both of my little girls are my heart and my soul. I am so very very blessed.

A little closer now

Haven't blogged much lately - spending a lot of time during the days playing/interacting with my now smiling and gurgling little miracles.  What fun they are!  The winter may be forcing us to stay indoors (a fact that only SOMETIMES drives me batty), but there's lots of book reading, rattling, dancing, and bicycle legs happening instead.

As the girls approach the big three month mark (this Wednesday!), I snapped a few lovely shots of my little ladies - and got nice n close. 

Here is a sampling, alternating shots of each girl...know who is who? (hint: the first baby is Alex...)

Roly poly belly woman makes it to 36 weeks - Term for twins

Yup - the three of us have done it.  We've made it to term for twins, and so far, all signs point to having a bit more time to 'cook' the little ones.  We still don't know if Baby B has gained weight (they only do those measurements every two weeks and so Thursday next week will hopefully tell us she's bigger and better than ever), but all her vital signs, and that of Baby A are looking really good.

And holy crap are they ever active!  Some crazy movements happening with this belly of mine, at all hours of the day and pretty constantly.  This is something I am going to miss dearly - it is really fun to watch, touch and play with their little arms and legs that are flying all over in there.

So even though the bags are packed, and Baby A is still breech (so, yeah, we are still looking at a forced C-section unless that changes), I'm feeling pretty okay, all things considered, and am heading out shortly for a chick night at a friend's house.  Quite excited to see everyone.  Now...

What the heck to wear?

A mountain of generosity

Wow, what a fun weekend with some very special friends.  It all started off with a spa pedi and mani with a fabulous friend, project 'grey elimination' at my hair salon, and then my Friday shower - an after-work cocktail hour confection bringing together some of the fun, intelligent, exceptional women I have met through my recent years in my career.  All of them have become great friends. 

Saturday began with a nice, long, in-depth meeting with our doulas.  Some interesting troubleshooting happening with them, I have to say. Trying to consider all the various scenarios of how this birth will go, and how we wish to handle all the situations that might befall us, is interesting to say the least. I came away feeling excited about the possibilities, anxious about the outcomes, but secure in the knowledge that I have built up a great team around me to tackle all that may come our way. I have a number of detailed questions to ask the high-risk team at the General now that will help me know what is possible from their perspective, and I have some new resources to pursue to assist with other challenges I will have, such as breastfeeding and pumping challenges.

Then...another GREAT shower (the big one!) hosted by one of my longest and most dear friends, with help from a number of other key women in my life.  How does one express how important the deep-seated and invaluable friendships are to me?  I can't.  I really and truly can't.  Seeing women who have been my partying partners in crime, my sporty supports, my family for a lifetime, and friends of my husband who have become correspondingly essential additions to my posse portfolio all present to celebrate this crazy, exciting and transitory time in my life filled me with a sense of incredible gratitude, and a sense of how truly blessed I am. I love the thought and effort put into making the event special to me. I loved the banner made up for us that can be strung up to announce to the world of our great fortune. I loved my 'two peas in a pod' t-shirt that I will wear with pride as I parade around Ottawa shopping for last minute finishing touches to get ready for my little 'peas'. And I loved the laughter, the stories, the energy in the room.  And, ya know...the mountain of presents that kept coming and coming and coming!  I will never forget it, and I'm sure that the pictures, sure to be forwarded to me, won't LET me forget it!

And now?  Now, I sit here, writing a blog post, and staring at a living room rife with miniature goods, snuggly things, rattling gadgets and pretty little outfits ready to be washed, packed away or put on appropriate display. I have work to do.

What a lovely weekend. What wonderful people are all around me. What a wonderful life.

I can't wait to introduce two new lives into the mix.

The calming influence of chaos - who knew?

The 'transition' has begun. It's sheer and utter chaos in our home right now. We've torn up, torn down and moved around everything in order to start all the renos necessary to prepare for the twins. What's best is that the vast majority of the chaos is being led by my baby-boomer generation parents, who know no end to the energy stores needed to work towards tackling even the most massive projects.  Where others intimidate, my fabulous parents dive in.  God bless them.

So what do we need to do? We are painting the entire upper floor, including all bedrooms (and the nursery of course). We have ripped out the two closets in the two spare rooms to make way for some custom solutions - can't wait to make a cool cubby-rich option for the twins with little bars for the occasional dress and lots of great solutions for storing their little socks, toys, etc. We have ordered the new carpet and the thickest underpad possible for the entire upper floor and stairs, so the painting has to be done, then we will rip out the carpet and get ready for that installation.

What else?  Well, we are having a great friend of ours, a master custom carpenter Tobias create a wall storage, entertainment unit and bookshelf solution for our main floor that will hug three walls spanning the living room to the dining room - if we gotta stay in our great little home for a while longer, we need STORAGE!

We totally have to clean and organize our garage and buy some shelving solutions - it's gonna become a massive storage and workshop area - it never did fit a car in it anyway (stupid builders)...

Oh yeah - and we have to fully renovate and redo the basement to make room for an office/entertainment area and playroom for the twins.  We CANNOT have the big toys etc. on the main floor - no room.  So, we are gonna try get this done before they arrive.  Any great suggestions for awesome contractors? Please feel free to recommend!

Ah yes, and BTW, I will be creating a photo album for the nursery transformation.  Can't wait to see THIS...

...become a lovely, fun, vibrant nursery with white and bright stunning photography and colours.

And yes, the chaos means that things are getting done, and that makes Mommy start to relax, because that list above?  ... is long, and Momma don't have much time left!

Motley Crue sang about it, and we're gonna live it...Girls, Girls, Girls!

Yes, the ultrasound revealed...our home will be FILLED with giggles, flirtatiousness, pink clothing (gak) and a lack of pee pee tee pees - 'cause we're having TWO GIRLS.

Didn't expect that, really.  Don't know why, but all the kids on my hubbie's side have been boys, and I just for some reason thought that we'd have at least one boy, but girls are great, and we can't wait...

But just so we are clear...pink will be worn as CLOTHING only due to necessity (don't want those well-meaning ooers and aaaahers mistaking them for boys, just 'cause they are in red or something), but the nursery will be decorated with primary, bright colours, which kids love.  And Barbies?  We'll see how long I can avoid them and push the Lego.  Sports, ladies?  Let's go swimming instead, or play catch!

We are very excited....wow....now for name picking!

Swipe and See - What every pregnant woman does in her first trimestre

I can't believe the wait is almost over.  Tomorrow marks week 12 for these two little 'goobers' inside me, which all women know is a BIG DEAL.  It marks the end of the first trimestre.  It marks the culmination of many weeks of forming key organs and setting the stage for the growth phases.  If all is not well now, then it won't ever be.

It's a scary thought.

And I am personally very happy that I have my IPS (Integrated Prenatal Screening) ultrasound on Monday afternoon in order to confirm, for the THIRD time now, that all is well and looks healthy.  After three miscarriages, you just really don't let yourself TRULY beleive that this thing will actually work out, ya know?

Which brings me to the title of this post.  I don't know about you, but I look forward to a time when I won't feel compelled to take a look after going to the washroom.  A very personal topic, certainly, but every woman, previous miscarriage or not, will 'get' what the 'swipe and see' is all about.  And you can read all the books and articles you want that tell you a bit of spotting is okay, but for me?...spotting has led EVERY TIME to the loss of my baby. 

But.  This time?  All clear.

And so, too, will my mind be come Monday night.  I can just feel it.  All will be well, and I can start to bond with these two little miracles inside me.  I can be a happy future Mommy. I am crying with relief and happiness at the thought of it.  It has been a long 12 weeks.

Slip, tumble down stairs, then the terror sets in (retropost 2)

Okay. I have two scraped sections of skin on my arms, an aching tailbone, and a throbbing foot. But more than that, I have a brain that is working overtime trying, trying VERY VERY hard to say "Breathe, relax. Breathe, relax." and not...."PLEASE DON'T LET THIS HURT MY BABY. OMG PLEASE. I'VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. ONE LITTLE SLIP CAN'T KILL IT, RIGHT? RIGHT?????"

Yeah. So. I slipped on the way downstairs. I think I'm okay. I think that the baby should be okay. Time will tell. I have to relax. This isn't funny, though. I didn't need this tonight, or at all, really.

So yeah. This is a part prayer, part avoidance post to help me process my thoughts, calm down, talk this out rationally, and say that I really really hope that the discomfort I am feeling now is not a prelude to something far worse. That is all.

Please. If this were to cause miscarriage #4, I would LOSE IT officially and need a lot to come back. That is all.

(I was fine, if bruised and sore)

Double lines - Mixed Emotions (retropost 1)

So.  This post won't go up for some time, but I still want to document trip #4 through this baby-making process.  Yes, we are pregnant again. Fertility is NOT our problem, which, if I know how much other people struggle (and I do), means I feel especially blessed in that way.  It's a lovely knowledge to have, that you are beginning to grow a baby human inside your body.  And believe me, you KNOW when you are - the heartburn, the gas (well, more than usual, as my husband would say), the foggy "I feel like I haven't slept in 36hrs" tiredness, and, of course, the tingling, itchy, swollen and sore boobs!  You cannot go near these things right now, and my habit of sleeping on my stomach?...not workin' out so much.

But it would be a very small price to pay if in the end we finally have a happy, healthy baby.

Why won't this post go up for a while?  Because we just haven't been successful, and I'm no longer counting on success, and therefore we have decided to keep this a little under wraps until at least week 6 or more, since two of the three miscarriages so far have happened within a week of finding out, under the 5 week mark, and so at the very least, I thought let's just keep this on the QT for everyone's sanity, you know?

So what I am I thinking and feeling? Well, as I just mentioned above, I no longer am allowing myself to take the stance "Well, surely we can't miscarry again, so this one will work!", but more half expecting, for sanity's sake, that this won't work again.  I have also, over the past 3 months or so, refocused on other goals and actions in my life, realizing that I can control those and not this, and so that continues.  My focus is on my career, my activities and sports and just living life outside of this consideration, and if this works? Then great - our life can change and we can adapt, but only once we KNOW it is going to change, ya know?

It's hard.  Some days, I can't help it. Is it a girl or boy, I ask myself mentally, then berate myself for allowing myself to think about it. It will be so cool to automatically get seats in the bus soon, I think, then stop myself.  It's tough not to WANT.  But.  I think I am doin' alright so far, and if I had a choice, I'd still overwhelmingly choose to be pregnant.  The emotions may be mixed, but I'm still happy to be in a position to feel emotions like this.

Time will tell.

(What's really cool here? Didn't know I was pregnant with twins...)

The big announcement - finally!

The silence has finally been lifted and I can now shout from the rooftops, the tops of mountains, from my backyard deck and from wherever I find myself and the mood strikes me..."We're pregnant!" 

And then, in the next breath...."with TWINS!"

This was our first shocking ultrasound at only 7.5 weeks.  After a very careful time of measurement and consideration, the technician asked us "Were you on medication?".  We, who were so focused on having a healthy baby, didn't clue into what this question might imply, but said 'no'. Then, the technician said that you could see the heartbeat if you looked closely, and so we did, and saw the heartbeat.  Huge sighs of relief and happiness, yes, but before we could get comfortable with that, she said, "and do you see the second heartbeat?"

I feel like leaving it here, you know, because that was it.  That was the single most memorable moment I have had so far in my life.  Shock, then, ... overwhelming happiness, tears....

And I will never forget my husband's reaction.  I laughed through my tears.  He said nothing for over 30 seconds. His hand, in mine, which prior to the news had been warm and dry, became instantaneously slick with sweat, and his brow dotted with instant beads of same.  The technician offered a cold wet cloth to him to mop his brow with....he accepted.

Now, at 11 weeks, we have had a follow up ultrasound, and all looks well. Technology is so precise these days as to have told us that one of the babies is one day older than the other, meaning that one egg was released one day and another on the next. How cool is that? I already look about 5 months pregnant, and am wearing loose-fitting pseudo-maternity wear. I will be huge very shortly. And we have a LOT to do before their arrival.

But all this is just details.  Life, which continues as normal, is anything but.  And while I still have significant anxiety that all will not be perfect (who can blame me after three miscarriages in a row?), I am happier and more excited than I have ever been in my life.  Whatever else is going on pales in comparison to what is happening inside of me. 

Instant family.  ....   wow.

On the subject of taste

I have amazing taste.

I awoke on this, the morning of my second wedding anniversary, to find that the first message I got on Twitter (a DM) was a love note from my husband.

(insert hard day of work here)

I arrived back at home, and opened the door to find that the house had been cleaned and vacuumed, the sheets washed, and spring rolls were in the oven almost ready to go.  And now?  We're on our way to one of our favourite romantic spots to eat, Cabotto's, so that I can have their amazing linguini aragosta....mmmmmm that lobster is gonna be SO GOOD!

And I won't mention the card.  My guy's a real guy guy, so telling me verbally how he feels is challenging sometimes, but boy, he can write me to sentimental tears.

I, simply put, have excellent taste in men, or one, in particular.

Mycoplasma Redux - The need for proper research/study guidelines

So a little update on the mycoplasma bacteria diagnosis and its relevance to my mulitple miscarriages. I have taken my antibiotics now and gone for my follow up appointment, and if I hear nothing back, that is good news and means that we have eliminated this 'issue' or potential issue as it relates to pregnancy and miscarriage.

But here's the thing.  Going into my follow up appointment, I fully expected that I wouldn't hear my doctor tell me that THIS was the ONE problem and that we had a 100% chance of a healthy baby in attempt #4, but what he did tell me, in hindsight, is really starting to piss me off, frankly.  No, I'm not directing this anger at the doctor, but at the actual studies he cited when he spoke to me about this bacteria and its links to miscarriage and infertility.

Basically, he said that while it is good that we found this, took steps to eliminate it, and struck yet one more item off the list of 'remotely possible reasons' to explain my miscarriages, he said, not for the first time, that he doesn't hold a lot of confidence in the studies that link mycoplasma to miscarriage.  He said that the studies he has seen took a group of 30 women who had had multiple miscarriages and who had this bacteria, treated the bacteria, and then reported that 70% of the 30 went on to have a healthy baby.  Cool, eh?  No, not really, because where was the control group of 30?  Apparently there wasn't one.  And according to my doctor, if you had done a control group and NOT treated them with antibiotics, he was willing to bet that the control group results would have had almost the same success percentage. 

So here's my question.  Who the HELL is conducting these experiements?  I took science in HIGH SCHOOL and know that any time to you want to test a hypothesis and conduct an experiment, you need a control group to make it a valid result.  Right?  Jeez.

So.

As I expected, while we treated something that MIGHT have been influencing our outcome, it certainly isn't something to invest savings betting on.

But I need to keep in mind the odds that I WOULD put money on, and that is the 60% chance, based on my history, that the 4th attempt will be the successful attempt.  Who wouldn't bet money with a 60% chance? 

So, without further adieu....we're officially back on the baby-making bandwagon.  Let the fun times begin!

Problems, information, potential solutions and pills - it's a good day today!

You may not think that ripping open a letter only to see a prescription fall out of it could possibly be a good thing, but today, it is. For all those women (and there are many) out there who have suffered a miscarriage, or like I have, multiple miscarriages, it is VERY hard to keep going without answers. And, in a lot of situations, modern medicine still doesn't have good answers.

Before today's little surprise package, we really were going off the words of our fertility specialist, who felt that we might not get an answer and that to try again, we were going to have to have faith that it was just bad luck, based on our miscarriage history and the information he had at hand. I hated that answer, people. Really hated it. But he also said that that meant I had a 65% chance, this fourth time around, of having a healthy full term baby, and what person wouldn't buy a lotto ticket with THOSE odds, right?

But as a way of cutting out the few little possible explanations, we took blood tests that looked for something specific. Guess what? I have a bacteria!

For all those women that are looking for answers, here's information that you could get simply by requisitioning a blood test! If I recall correctly, it (Mycoplasma of the "ureaplasma urealyticum" variety), is relatively common, but for a couple trying to conceive, it can be a real issue, contributing to infertility and miscarriage. We obviously don't have fertility issues, but guess what? We fall into category 2 nicely.

I am so frickin' exCITed, I can't tell you. Imagine if this is the only issue? Imagine going into attempt #4 with a bit more reassurance that I won't have to go through this again? IMAGINE a squirming, chortling, burping, pooping but otherwise healthy baby.

It is SUCH a good day.

One helluva trip...

One year ago today my new husband and I were on a plane headed for Spain for a honeymoon a few months after our wedding. It was a lovely trip and a wonderful time. And never ever to take anything away from that time, but it also marked the launch of our first forays into family planning.

It has been the hardest year of my life, when I thought it was going to be one of the best....

But. That year is now behind us, and we are about to embark on the next, with enough hope leftover for many more attempts, if necessary. I've put time and effort into both my mental and physical health once again, and hopefully that will have set me up nicely for the right environment.

And really? This stage IS awfully fun...

Here's to a great 2010...

Jeez I'm busy and there's important revelations on television!

Nigel is a perv. Botox and comments on undressing young female dancers is just...enough. But then again, Nigel is a hell of a lot better than the high pitched squealing of Mary...

I'm telling you though. If I am willing to stay up until 1 am to catch a show that I missed due to volleyball, that's saying something. I am just one of those people who thinks that as much as I love words, and language, and I do what I can to express emotions, feelings, hopes, dreams, anger, sadness and other emotions, the best way I have ALWAYS felt to truly express the inexpressible is through music and dance.

Funny, but my Mom could care less about music. To her it is background noise. And although she still has favourites, she has no level of passion for music. Not so, however, when it comes to Daddy. From the time I was a baby, he not only exposed me to all sorts of great music, but did so with a fervour that bordered on fanaticism. And so I believe came my passion for music. The dancing is more just my thing. I am good at it, and love it. Wish I had a dancer's body, but I am no more a dancer than a gymnast, my friends.

ANYWAY. I digress. I get chills, cry, laugh and find myself subconsciously moving my body to the movements of the SYTYCD dancers. What a showcase for incredible choreography too....I LOVE THIS SHOW.

And that is all I have to say.

and then there were two

I missed my man. He was away on a conference for four nights and five days, and although I used to LOVE living on my own and even today, generally love my freedoms in life, I think the timing wasn't the best, and overall I wanted him closer. So yeah...it is great to have him here again.

Even if he is upstairs at the computer and I am down here in front of the television.

Such intimacy!

Just call me the workaholic hermit

At least I am ready to collapse into bed each night, too exhausted to think too much. The dreams haven't been pleasant, though.

I just can't do it. I just can't get out and back into my life yet. Crazy how heavy and onerous it feels to contemplate. It's my life, and it is a great life...so why so hard to face?

But holy crap, the garden is looking better and better, the fence is getting painted (but after 4 full days of painting still not done - ! - so a word to the wize for all those contemplating repainting your fence with a brush, DON'T DO IT. Rent a sprayer, buy a sprayer or hire. Seriously.), and the new toilets are now in. Nothing like a need to keep busy to strike big items off your to do list, I guess!

I have incredible family and massive amounts of friends all offering love and support, and it is wonderful, and yet I can't reach out to them. It's like all I want is my man, my home, my garden and time. So if that's what I want, I guess I have to listen to that...