I would just like to know WHY I can't simply be allowed to enjoy my pregnancy

We've made it past 12 weeks.  Cause for celebration, right?  Nope.  Just got a call from my family Dr. to tell me that BOTH twins tested positive for a chance of Down's syndrome on the IPS screening we just went through.

Seriously?  Pissed.  I am angry.  WHY are we that 1 in 100, 200 or 400 that get a positive reading?  WHY can't we JUST GET SOME RELIEF FROM THIS STRESS????

I'm sorry. I am just so very frustrated, and tired, and yes...angry that we can't just have a friggin' normal pregnancy, filled with happiness, and nursery planning and normal, healthy problems...really.  Why?

Thing is...I REALLY don't want to do an amnio.  I don't want to increase, even slightly, the chance that we can miscarry again. I don't want to do these violent tests on these poor, fragile babies inside of me.  It's invasive, and risky and frankly...upsetting to us all.

And further to this?  What the hell would we do even WITH a better idea of the chance the babies have Down's?  I don't think I could terminate this...I really don't...but I don't know.

I'm tortured and upset and I welcome any thoughts, stories, input or information you may have.  Just don't know where to go from here.

Oh...one more essential piece of info...they are saying it's positive, but at a rate of 1 in 250!  So really?  That's less than .5%. 

What the fuck to do?  I'm so tired of this.  Tired of asking why and why me?  Why couldn't we just have had an 'all clear', as we should, after 3 miscarriages in a row, deserve? 

Swipe and See - What every pregnant woman does in her first trimestre

I can't believe the wait is almost over.  Tomorrow marks week 12 for these two little 'goobers' inside me, which all women know is a BIG DEAL.  It marks the end of the first trimestre.  It marks the culmination of many weeks of forming key organs and setting the stage for the growth phases.  If all is not well now, then it won't ever be.

It's a scary thought.

And I am personally very happy that I have my IPS (Integrated Prenatal Screening) ultrasound on Monday afternoon in order to confirm, for the THIRD time now, that all is well and looks healthy.  After three miscarriages, you just really don't let yourself TRULY beleive that this thing will actually work out, ya know?

Which brings me to the title of this post.  I don't know about you, but I look forward to a time when I won't feel compelled to take a look after going to the washroom.  A very personal topic, certainly, but every woman, previous miscarriage or not, will 'get' what the 'swipe and see' is all about.  And you can read all the books and articles you want that tell you a bit of spotting is okay, but for me?...spotting has led EVERY TIME to the loss of my baby. 

But.  This time?  All clear.

And so, too, will my mind be come Monday night.  I can just feel it.  All will be well, and I can start to bond with these two little miracles inside me.  I can be a happy future Mommy. I am crying with relief and happiness at the thought of it.  It has been a long 12 weeks.