New Gig - Come join in the convos!

So I have some kewl news, everyone.  I've got a second Twitter account! 

Well, not REEEEALLY.  It's more like I'm part of a great team of people, and I'll be sending out tweets through their account - you know, stuff I already tweet about. Like what's happening in Ottawa. Or where to take your family for a great activity. Or where the best sale is on awesome gear. Or what a brutal, tough day  I have had.  Or hilarious things our babies do.  And mostly, I'll be chatting with you.

Basically, I'm just going to be myself, and I want you to join me.  I'll be tweeting on UsedOttawa, which I am sure you ALL know is a great site to buy and sell cool, useful or just random stuff, right?  (As an aside, it's a Canadian company - like - NOT owned by Google. #justsaying)

... and come to think of it, it's January, and we've been purging around here lately. I guess I'll also be posting some stuff for sale soon too. But I digress...

So how is this gonna work? Well, you will know the tweets are mine because my initials will be attached to all my tweets, but my partner in crime, Jordan, is pretty darn interesting too, as is Jennifer, a VERY old (we won't really go into how old, kay?) friend from high school in Winnipeg who is one of the big brains at the head office of UsedEverywhere in Victoria, BC.  (You didn't even know this about me, right?  Yes, I am a military brat who spent the better part of her high school years in the 'Peg. The rest? Well, I was in Goose Bay, Labrador, and then many many other temporary 'homes'.  Yeah.  Exactly. Explains so much, right?)

So.  Come join the convos.  See if you feel like following the Used tweets, and be sure to say hello and let us know if there's something cool we should share with other tweeps in Ottawa. I'm excited...

2012 - The Year of Positivity

In a recent blog post on Losing it in Ottawa, I talked about next year not in terms of losing weight, but in terms of fixing my inner voice; my attitude. I am simply tired of the constant stream of self-criticism I put myself through.  I want to see how I end up looking on the outside when I fix what's going through my head (and coming out of my mouth, and showing on my face, and being illustrated by my body language, etc.) and focus ONLY on that.

And frankly, I want to see if I can become one of those people about whom others say, "She's the type of person who can never say a bad thing about anyone else!" and who simply chooses to be an optimist.  I generally feel I am already optimistic, but, you know....we could all improve, right?

I'm not one for resolutions. I kindof started my new attitude about 3-4 weeks ago, when I embraced the Christmas season and stopped trying to drag myself out to the pool or the gym or whatever just to feel more stressed and put aside all the other things I wanted to get done. Now, granted, I DID feel less stressed, but I did NOT make positive choices.  And that's fine.  For the holidays.

And now, as 2012 approaches, it's time.  Time to accept myself, live life as fully as possible, have fun and see what happens when I value myself, value my wonderful life and girls and husband, and just LIVE.

How does that sound to you?  Are you changing your approach at all this coming year?

Blogging out loud, but not as loud as I want to

Yeah, so, I have info and HTML to put a widget onto my blog and link to the Blog Out Loud website, but can't figure out in Blogger how the heck to add it to the side columns of my blog.  I hate how it feels to not be able to figure this stuff out, but frankly, with two babies at home, I don't have time if it doesn't work out the first time.

That said, here is the link to the site.  I'm fairly sure I can get it to work at least in the confines of this post!





I have to say that I am REALLY excited about this event. I missed it last year, but cannot wait to be amongst all these great local personalities and bloggers, and to showcase one of my favourite posts from the last year.  it's a priviledge and an honour.  Hope to see you all there to support us and enjoy the fun evening!

Losing it - Getting angry with myself now

Okay.  False start.  Totally.  Thank gawd there is no limit to the number I am allowed, but hopefully I will get out of the gates sooner rather than later.  I THINK I am building momentum.

A few weeks ago I blogged about this great seminar I took at Kangaroo Fitness to help me understand the work needed to reduce the diastasis recti issue I have since giving birth to the twins. Today is SUPPOSED to be a follow-up workshop to see our progress and discuss the next stages of the workouts/exercises. 

HA.

I have made at best some half-hearted attempts to do the stomach exercises.  I have put on the splint and worn it so few times I could count on one hand.  #FAIL - I have totally failed myself.

I ask myself why.  I have a LOT of excuses (covered that before), but I think mostly I just don't know what I want to do when.  For example, I know that I can try to mend the diastasis, but it won't look all that much different from now if I don't drop some of the weight I have gained over the past couple of years. I also know that dropping weight requires eating fewer calories and altering the nature of the food I am eating, but there is another but. My breastmilk supply goes down if I eat less, and so I feel like I need to make a decision on when I intend to wean, but am waffling on this; I just don't think I am ready yet. AND if I decide to eat just as many calories, but make them uber-healthy ones (which MIGHT do the trick, although I'm not sure it would), we'd have to be MUCH more organized in our daily meal-planning, which takes more time than I think I have - or rather, I could do that, but then fitting in the exercises etc every day become even harder.

Yeah.  And so what? It's not easy losing weight, Pam!  I'm getting angry with myself for the excuses.  For the laziness. For finding every reason NOT to proceed and make things happen - and every reason why we need to order pizza tonight or pick up McDonalds today because, you know, it was a BUSY day and we just HAVE to eat, right?  If we make something now, well, boy, it will be 9pm before we get dinner!!! 

So.  Am I ready?  Can I make this happen?  I'm going to the workshop today to hopefully get inspired by all the women who HAVE put in the work and are making changes.  I'm also going because I am embarassed and I would usually just beg off and say I'll try get up to speed and then come see the intructor. And I'm going because Susanne, said instructor, cares and wants to help me work out some solutions or answers to my 'excuses'.  Bless her heart.

She has her work cut out for her.  That is all.

Help - do you have some motivating words for me?  A story about your issues and efforts?  How are you/aren't you motivated?

Losing it - Week Two (um)

Weeellllll....

Week two of Operation Mummy Tummy is under my belt (what belt?  I have a belt that fits? That's news to me!) and it was, uh, um, kinda a step backwards, but you know...slow and steady and all that jazz, right?

There were a couple of "What are we having for dinner" / "Ugh, I dunno...pizza?"-style nights.  There were other, jeez I'm tired nights where I just ate whatever. And the weather conspired to make it a very inactive kinda time period.

So, yeah.  I gained back a couple of pounds.

However in other news, something strange happened to my already strange 'formerly known as a bellybutton' this week, and I THINK it was a natural repair happened. It has been incredibly sore, but it looks more like it used to, and it feels like there is solid material (like cartilage) behind it.  Not sure if this would be caused by the extra workouts/walking I have been doing, or the natural progression of my body's efforts to repair itself post-pregnancy, but I'll take it!

I'm also happy that I chose on one evening to PVR a show in order to head out for a fast walk to the drug store to mail an envelope. It was a good cardio trip, and I even, under the cover of night (absolutely required, I assure you), tried to jog a little bit.  It was a heavy, cumbersome shuffle, and little teeny bones in my foot were protesting, as were my knees, but I did a bit of it, in any event.  I have a long way to go. 

And I know.  I sound like I am 500lbs. The picture I paint is gruesome compared to the reality.  But honestly? This is how it truly feels to try to jump in the air, jog or whathaveyou.  It's CRAZY the effort it feels like it takes to get my feet off the ground.  But I'll get there, I really will.

Also of note is that this week I was contacted by a woman who was recently certified to train in the Tupler technique mentioned in my last Losing It post. She will be offering a seminar in May, but more than that, she is interested in a before and after shot for her site.  I'm definitely contacting her. I need her input to help me get motivated to do these exercises, and I really want to know how to do them properly.  Should be interesting.  More to come on that soon.

So.  Week three beckons.  How will I do?  Well, we shall see.  The weather needs to cooperate, first and foremost.

How are you doing?

Day and Week One of project Mummy's Tummy

So here we go.  Is it a grandios launch? No.  Just a stroll with the kidlets with other twin mommies and a bit more health-concious eating, but it's a start.  Tonight, I will try to do a few simple ab exercises and see how those go.

Project Mummy's Tummy has now launched.

Opening stats:

Weight (a deceptive) 215 lbs
Bust 45 inches
Waist 47 inches
Hips 46 inches
Upper thigh 27 1/2 lbs

For the record, I plan to take 'before' photos of my bellybutton, my granny panties, and yeah, a full body shot in a bikini (the boundaries are pretty loose in my world, but they are still there!) to post at some point, but I think I'll hold onto them for a little while - until I have an awesome 'after' shot to go with it and save a bit of face.

Until then?  That full body shot may end up on the fridge...

39 for the first time (Alternate Title: Mommy tummy time)

So this is it, then.  Turning 39 for the first time tomorrow. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't really focus on age and also don't really care how old I am.  HOWEVER. For the first time in my life, I am really feeling my age.  No. Feeling older than my age. I can't do what I want to do.  I am physically incapable of doing what I used to do a short time ago. It's upsetting, and it needs to be addressed. Now.

Now, I know that I had twins just 5 months ago, and in the last two years, I was pregnant four times.  And yes, I have had many tell me that it takes at least 9 months to recover from 9 months of carrying a child. Just as many have also tacked on: "YOU had TWINS."  And a great little book I try to find time to read, Juggling Twins, had the following uplifting statement to make about that:

"Dragging your leftover weight around as those babies move through months and milestones feels a bit unfair, and it may be harder for you to see your cottage-cheesy bum as a heroic player in your kids' well-being. But it is. Well, it was, anyway. Try not to think of yourself as fat, but rather as still in the process of becoming unpregnant."

BUT.  I just can't worry anymore about whether or not this tummy is permanent. I want OUT of my maternity clothes. I HATE wearing granny panties, but anything else just rolls when I bend over (kinda like those party noisemakers - you know the ones.  Every time I adjust the material up, all it takes is a little movement and WHOOOP, it rolls back down. Right on top of my c-section scar, too, to add insult to injury). And not just ANY grannies.  Nooooo.  Size 2x ones!  Egad!  No WONDER I nearly squeel with surprise every time I catch sight of myself naked in the vanity mirror.  Vanity?  Hell no - I just wanna get rid of this weird deformed belly button, my friends!!!

So.  Losing it in Ottawa, here I come.  Who else is out there looking to start to shed some unwanted lumpy cheese?  Are there other mommies about to start, like I am, to take one foot and put it in front of the other? Want to connect on Twitter, create a hashtag, or just share our journey?  Who's got some fun apps for the iPhone to recommend?

Look for more details on what I plan to do, expect some gruesome photos to hopefully inspire a big 'after' reveal, since I will be HIGHLY motivated to erase all memory (yours and mine) of my appearance from this journal, and follow as I toss in some recipes, tips and whatever frustrations I have as I try 'transform' before my 40th birthday. 

Last time I did this?  It only took me 3 or 4 months.  This time around, with two stunningly cute and dependent babies to prioritize, it will take longer.  Think 12 months oughtta do it...

And hopefully by next year around this time? I'll be proud to say I am turning 40.  'Cause I'll have the body of a...hmmm....34? 36? 29 year old?  Whatever. 

All I know is I will be able to wear some lacy, frilly, satiny, thongy slice of fabric again. Without noisemakers.

A little more like me

Okay that did it.  I just saw Celine Dion on the red carpet.  Damn bitch looks the same as she always has.  What the hell?  She just had twins too, or so I am told?

Sigh.

Yes, I'm tough on myself, but boy, did these two little goobers (and the three prior miscarriages) take a toll on my previously toned body. I've been focused on breastfeeding, and trying to enjoy my girls. I've taken time to fit in housecleaning and laundry.  I've even fit in salsa babies and some snowshoeing.  But if I am honest?  I've been avoiding looking at myself or doing anything about myself.

I feel like crap.

Don't get me wrong - I'm happy as a clam.  The joy these two bring to my life is immeasurable, but I've been at the precipice of body reality awakening before. I know this feeling. I know what a huge battle I have ahead of me to tackle getting back to a level of fitness and diet/lifestyle that makes me happy. It's a LOT of work. And I feel defeated at the thought of trying to fit this into the new life I am now leading, you know?  Add to this that I think I may have issues with my stomach muscles (see my post under #4 about these issues), and I'm scared that if I don't act now, I won't ever get rid of this weird belly shape I am currently rocking.

I've done it before. I've been trained by the best. I've been a poster child for Greco Lean & Fit losing 29 pounds and 7.5% body fat in 10 weeks. I've worked under former Greco trainer Maryse, who is exceptional and now runs her own business (and, I might add, produces her own great videos and tips).

But it meant strict diet. It meant a heavy level of commitment. And it meant time, that I frankly don't have these days!  That said?  We head to the sunshine of the desert shortly for 2.5 weeks. I will have the opportunity to swim, hike the mountains, go for jogs if I decide to try, and just generally, I will be able to get active again.  Will that be enough?  Well, for the time I am there, yes, but when I am back here?  Nope.  I will have to do those ab exercises (blech) and I will have to turn down the chips, the chocolate, the fast food meals and then figure out how to work all the activity in between time with my baby girls.  Not easy.

But necessary.

Oh...so necessary.

I won't look like Celine, but then...I really don't want to.  I just want to look like me again.  Ya know?

Alluring, Intriguing, Diverse

Am I boring you?

I honestly don't know if I will talk about anything other than Motherhood and my twin girls ever again.  I feel like there is nothing else to talk about (and honestly, in my little world right now, there honestly isn't anything else), but that I MUST be driving everyone batty.  I mean, just look at the onslaught of photos I have been posting here.  Interesting to quickly look at, but kinda one-dimentional, no?

Just randomly thinking about when, if ever, I will be interesting again, and have something else to say. 

Until then...it's gonna be posts about breastfeeding, poopy diapers, and two special angels who are the nucleus of my life right now.  Hope you are okay with that...

When gas leaks are good things

Or, alternately, what I didn't know about c-sections going into the surgery.

Last night, while feeding little Alex (because really, if I'm not feeding her, I'm pumping or trying to sleep), we finally connected our video camera to the big screen tv in my Dad's man-cave to view the footage taken of the delivery. Wow. Powerful stuff...and surreal too. Something we'll keep within the family, likely, but it also called to mind the first 72 or so hours after the delivery (or shall we just call a spade a spade and say surgery?)

You see, no one told me that abdominal surgery can often be accompanied by intense gastro-intestinal distress. No one said "you will have trouble with gas and be unable to poop, causing potentially mind-alteringly alarmingly painful cramps, so horridly powerful that they spread up your back, through your entire torso and even up to your shoulders where, ultimately, you won't be able to even lift your arms for the shooting pain."

Yeah... No one told me about that.

Flashback to 1992. I was playing varsity waterpolo at Carleton University. What does this have to do with that? Well...I was notorious for gulping water and air during games, and then, after a night on the town with teammates drinking gas-inducing beer, holding onto my farts, causing intense gas-pains so bad that by night's end, I would curl up in a fetal ball on my bed and cry, waiting for the air to move through my system and come out the appropriate end.

So. It stands to reason that, Uh, the after-delivery experience for me was characterized not only by issues learning to breastfeeding, stress worrying about a sick baby in CHEO, but also an indescribable pain from built-up gas emissions that only started to clear out a bit the day of my discharge from the hospital. Not fun, my friends, not fun.

Still, worth it, of course, but I don't think I will look back on the first few days as an amazing time. Just necessary to get to the real fun.

You will be happy to know that mommy is now filling the atmosphere without hesitation with gaseous outputs. All is good.

So...yeah...announcing the arrival of our baby girls!

Exactly one week later, I'd like to finally announce the arrival of baby Alexandra Patricia, 7 pounds, 6 ounces, born on November 3rd at 11:38 a.m., and her little twin sister Hailey Elizabeth, 5 pounds, 12 ounces, born at 11:39.

I'm sitting here as I write this at the side of little Hailey, in the yellow 'pod' in the NICU at CHEO, after a week that is almost indescribable, but that ultimately will be the most momentous of my life. Followed closely by each successive week to come, I'm sure. Already today, only two days after her surgery, I just had the heart-bursting privilege of feeding my lovely survivour her first taste of Mommy's milk. Although through a syringe and into her tummy through a tube, it finally felt like a contribution to her life outside the womb that no one else could offer. Love in liquid form. Overwhelming.

So. Yes. Let's be honest here. I'm in love with two different ladies and a man and have been trying desperately to manage all these relationships while still retaining some physical and emotional sanity. I have plenty of love to go around, but not enough physicality or time on the clock. Every day has been a day of firsts. Each crazy event is a blog post just waiting to happen, and each minute is another where I have been saying...oh gosh...I gotta remember this; it'll be a great story. But I have to find time. At this moment, I finally have a full afternoon to spend here at CHEO, and every second that I write this post is a second I lose from reading Hailey a story or holding her hand. Baby Alex is in the family lounge with Grandma and Grandpa, waiting sleepily for more boobage, and after that, Mommy will have to pump for more milk for Hailey before she can go back to 'hang' with Hailey again. Still haven't figured out how to nap. When Alex naps and still get some time with Hailey, but hoping to get a slower pace going now.

Wish me luck, andknow that I have a mountain of posts to come, and one day will find my way to a damn computer to get off this iPhone and get some writing done.

But let's just leave it at this. Life is a wondrous, magnificent, heart-wrenching and bursting journey. We are all blessed, and if we have love and health, we ought never to be unhappy.

And, it seems, on this iPhone, I can't go over this post to edit. Hope the typos aren't too bad... Will fix later

What's in a name?

I bet I fooled you, and you thought this post would reveal the names we have chosen for our twin girls to come.  Nope.  Those, we are keeping under wraps until the big arrival.  Sorry.

That said, the house is abuzz today with family and friends helping assemble furniture, patch walls, sort, clean and PURGE.  While doing so, I was given a box I had put together of treasures from my past.  Yes, folks, we're talking journals from my late teens/early 20's, love letters from past beaus, momentos from travels, film memorabilia from my days as an 'indie filmmaker' (and yes, I threw out approximately 40 VHS copies of my short film destined way back when for film festivals all over the world, recycling the cases. I will be taking my BETA master to a dubber to put it on DVD for posterity, so all is not lost!). 

And, I came across a printout of the meaning of my name, Pam, that I had kept 'cause I thought it was hilarious.  I'm curious what you all think...bang on?  Yes, but?

Here it is:

Pam: Your first name of Pam has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person. Generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic. As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people. This name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances. You can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following any appreciation shown you. There are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating. You enjoy freedom from monotony and are stimulated by unexpected opportunities for meeting people, entertaining, or pursuing activities of a carefree nature. In your work, you find it difficult to be neat and orderly. You rarely plan things ahead of time, or follow a routine. Emotion and feeling, the desire to be carefree, friendly, and happy, are the driving forces in your being, rather than shrewdness, ambition, and material success.

Now I'm wondering...what does your name say about you? Have you looked it up?  Got a funny one that's way off?  Would love to hear.

And now...I can throw out that printout.  Another successful purge. Yay for me.

Anyone for a top 10 list?

So, I thought it was time to share, REALLY share, some of the insights I have gleaned (or am living through) on this wacky road to motherhood.  Perhaps you can relate.  If not, perhaps you can learn, laugh or feel uncomfortable, 'cause really?  This process is CRAZY.

So, without further ado, here is my list of top 10 'interesting tidbits' related to my twin pregnancy.

*WARNING* - the following list may be shockingly personal, but good for a laugh or two also.

1. At only 25 weeks my pelvic bone area started feeling (and still feels) as if it was the day after a night of crazy, rough sex (i.e. very bruised). I told my parents this, and then realized they could be asking themselves how I know what that feels like...
2. When you have two babies, both positioned with their feet down, you realize quickly that your bladder is more like a fun, cushy kick pillow than a formerly well-functioning organ of your body.
3. My nipples are massive purple targets.  The babies will have to be blind not to see them.
4. I'm shocked, but I have no stretch marks yet.  I have been using natural belly butter and oil products, and they seem to be working.  That said, with three months to go, and being of the ripe age of 38, surely they will start creeping in soon? (oh, and as an aside...you call your product "Whale Oil"?!?  Really.)
5. I can't get off the couch.  Or, at least not in one motion.  I shuffle forward in about three stages and then use my arms to get me up and off.
6. My Mom, well before we found out that Baby B has a diaphragmatic hernia, gave me a Mayan "Worry Free" pregnancy doll pictured here.  I rub this doll's little belly often and make a wish for a successful outcome to all of this.
7. Swimming in late pregnancy saves you.  Buy a pass, and go feel weightless for a while.  Seriously. (and if you can do this in the summer at an outdoor pool?  Alls the better)
8. I have amazing family and friends.  Their love, support, generosity and willingness to help seems endless, and I know I will need to lean on them, possibly for months or longer. It's amazing to know that if you fall, there are a myriad of people to catch you.  It had to be said.  Thank you.
9. You know your relationship is solid when you are pregnant, and you become closer to your husband than you have ever been.  You know your relationship is ubersolid when you are faced with losses, complications and fear of the future and this, too, brings you even closer. 
10. Being pregnant is amazing...beyond description...and I am truly blessed.

Just...wow.

The funniest thing lately has been to catch a view of myself in the reflection of windows or mirrors. It's shocking to me just how big this belly already is at only 26 weeks.  I meet and/or know women who are days away from their due dates who look smaller...it's crazy.

In other amusing news, our couch, which was a Real Canadian Superstore bargain when we bought it over 6 years ago, is sucking me in.  It's not only a circus routine to get out of it, but it's a great source of amusement to my husband, who likes to make grunting/groaning noises even as he assists in hefting me up to my feet.

In case you missed it...here's the belly.

I can't wait for the professional shots I have lined up at the end of September.  Seems crazy that the shoot is still almost two months away and that THAT date is still over a month away from the due date!?!  Nuts.

Another ultrasound, this time a level 2 in depth one, is coming up in two days, followed by another dialogue with the doctor.  With all the activity I have been feeling (I THINK mostly from Baby A, but ya can't always be totally sure with two of them in there), there's excitement to see them again, even if it is mixed in with trepidation... This past couple of weeks feels like a major leap forward in their size, as I felt distinct baby parts moving and kicking out, pushing against my abdomen, and it just feels like space is being eaten up at an alarming rate. 

Also cool?  The kick - mommy touch - kick in response action is amazing, as detailed in my last post. Instinct or no, ya can't help thinking "what a brilliant little baby you are!"....

So yeah.  Recap = Massive belly sure to get even more massive. Cool stuff related to the former. More info to come in a couple days...

Where's my sense of accomplishment?

Right. I forgot. It's being held up by others not doing their jobs.

Yes, folks, my list is getting longer and nothing is moving forward, all thanks to people either doing shoddy jobs, or others just not getting their gears shifted into drive to enable me to move on things.  Isn't that just the way?

Meanwhile, I am DEFINITELY gaining inches and weight, and having issues even getting up off the couch, so that later these things get pushed, the worse for me. Not a good recipe.  You'd think they would take pity on me, and put me to the top of their list of "People to eventually help out".  Harrumph.

So the venting is done.  Thanks for your patience.

On another note, I had a great long weekend and got to a friend's cottage for some sun, space and relaxation floating on the lake.  That shit is good for the soul, my friends!

What about you?  What does it take to take you away from it all?  A sandy beach?  A hammock and a novel? A patio and cold beer? 

Stay thirsty, my friends...

Swipe and See - What every pregnant woman does in her first trimestre

I can't believe the wait is almost over.  Tomorrow marks week 12 for these two little 'goobers' inside me, which all women know is a BIG DEAL.  It marks the end of the first trimestre.  It marks the culmination of many weeks of forming key organs and setting the stage for the growth phases.  If all is not well now, then it won't ever be.

It's a scary thought.

And I am personally very happy that I have my IPS (Integrated Prenatal Screening) ultrasound on Monday afternoon in order to confirm, for the THIRD time now, that all is well and looks healthy.  After three miscarriages, you just really don't let yourself TRULY beleive that this thing will actually work out, ya know?

Which brings me to the title of this post.  I don't know about you, but I look forward to a time when I won't feel compelled to take a look after going to the washroom.  A very personal topic, certainly, but every woman, previous miscarriage or not, will 'get' what the 'swipe and see' is all about.  And you can read all the books and articles you want that tell you a bit of spotting is okay, but for me?...spotting has led EVERY TIME to the loss of my baby. 

But.  This time?  All clear.

And so, too, will my mind be come Monday night.  I can just feel it.  All will be well, and I can start to bond with these two little miracles inside me.  I can be a happy future Mommy. I am crying with relief and happiness at the thought of it.  It has been a long 12 weeks.

Double lines - Mixed Emotions (retropost 1)

So.  This post won't go up for some time, but I still want to document trip #4 through this baby-making process.  Yes, we are pregnant again. Fertility is NOT our problem, which, if I know how much other people struggle (and I do), means I feel especially blessed in that way.  It's a lovely knowledge to have, that you are beginning to grow a baby human inside your body.  And believe me, you KNOW when you are - the heartburn, the gas (well, more than usual, as my husband would say), the foggy "I feel like I haven't slept in 36hrs" tiredness, and, of course, the tingling, itchy, swollen and sore boobs!  You cannot go near these things right now, and my habit of sleeping on my stomach?...not workin' out so much.

But it would be a very small price to pay if in the end we finally have a happy, healthy baby.

Why won't this post go up for a while?  Because we just haven't been successful, and I'm no longer counting on success, and therefore we have decided to keep this a little under wraps until at least week 6 or more, since two of the three miscarriages so far have happened within a week of finding out, under the 5 week mark, and so at the very least, I thought let's just keep this on the QT for everyone's sanity, you know?

So what I am I thinking and feeling? Well, as I just mentioned above, I no longer am allowing myself to take the stance "Well, surely we can't miscarry again, so this one will work!", but more half expecting, for sanity's sake, that this won't work again.  I have also, over the past 3 months or so, refocused on other goals and actions in my life, realizing that I can control those and not this, and so that continues.  My focus is on my career, my activities and sports and just living life outside of this consideration, and if this works? Then great - our life can change and we can adapt, but only once we KNOW it is going to change, ya know?

It's hard.  Some days, I can't help it. Is it a girl or boy, I ask myself mentally, then berate myself for allowing myself to think about it. It will be so cool to automatically get seats in the bus soon, I think, then stop myself.  It's tough not to WANT.  But.  I think I am doin' alright so far, and if I had a choice, I'd still overwhelmingly choose to be pregnant.  The emotions may be mixed, but I'm still happy to be in a position to feel emotions like this.

Time will tell.

(What's really cool here? Didn't know I was pregnant with twins...)

The big announcement - finally!

The silence has finally been lifted and I can now shout from the rooftops, the tops of mountains, from my backyard deck and from wherever I find myself and the mood strikes me..."We're pregnant!" 

And then, in the next breath...."with TWINS!"

This was our first shocking ultrasound at only 7.5 weeks.  After a very careful time of measurement and consideration, the technician asked us "Were you on medication?".  We, who were so focused on having a healthy baby, didn't clue into what this question might imply, but said 'no'. Then, the technician said that you could see the heartbeat if you looked closely, and so we did, and saw the heartbeat.  Huge sighs of relief and happiness, yes, but before we could get comfortable with that, she said, "and do you see the second heartbeat?"

I feel like leaving it here, you know, because that was it.  That was the single most memorable moment I have had so far in my life.  Shock, then, ... overwhelming happiness, tears....

And I will never forget my husband's reaction.  I laughed through my tears.  He said nothing for over 30 seconds. His hand, in mine, which prior to the news had been warm and dry, became instantaneously slick with sweat, and his brow dotted with instant beads of same.  The technician offered a cold wet cloth to him to mop his brow with....he accepted.

Now, at 11 weeks, we have had a follow up ultrasound, and all looks well. Technology is so precise these days as to have told us that one of the babies is one day older than the other, meaning that one egg was released one day and another on the next. How cool is that? I already look about 5 months pregnant, and am wearing loose-fitting pseudo-maternity wear. I will be huge very shortly. And we have a LOT to do before their arrival.

But all this is just details.  Life, which continues as normal, is anything but.  And while I still have significant anxiety that all will not be perfect (who can blame me after three miscarriages in a row?), I am happier and more excited than I have ever been in my life.  Whatever else is going on pales in comparison to what is happening inside of me. 

Instant family.  ....   wow.

The wild ride that is life

Yup - it's my birthday week.  It's one helluva week folks!  Change is definitely in the air, as I gave notice at my current job and plan to move into another job in another department.  That, in and of itself, is change, but what's truly remarkable about the change is the nature of the job, and the people I will be working with. 

Let's tackle the job itself first.  It's working in with a large group of people all dedicated to web/electronic communications.  Specifically, I will be working in the policies and standards team, consulting closely with their innovations team to build Web 2.0 initiatives, social media projects, and the communications around them.  From what I understand, I will be allowed the opportunity to be involved in the wider Government 2.0 communities of practice.  I will also have the opportunity to develop the business cases and rationales, the presentations for buy-in, and even look at training other areas in the initiatives and corresponding activities.  It's, simply put, a dream job.  Why?  Because it's innovative, it's a new way of communicating, it's a challenge, and there are significant opportunities to build consensus and communicate for buy-in.  BRING IT.

Secondly, I am very excited by the people.  If there is one single most important workplace consideration in my mind, it is your team and the leaders of said team.  I have learned, often times the hard way, that a position can be supremely interesting with great files and challenges, but if you aren't surrounded by strong or even competent management and leaders, your time is moot.  Truly, proper support, recognition of input and accomplishment, and trust to allow the freedom to be creative and innovative are, I have found, somewhat rare.  Let's just say that I have kept notes in the hopes that, should the future afford me the opportunity to lead, I will do a better job than some I have encountered. 

So, it goes without saying that I get a very good vibe/read from the individuals who have interviewed me to hire me.  I have heard a number of times that they want to find the right 'fit' of person, and that chemistry and team dynamic are important.  They are fun, open, friendly, obviously competent, and seem to really understand that opening doors and encouraging their employees reaps strong rewards.  I simply cannot wait to lauch myself into this job. 

Spring has sprung, and in so many ways, I am growing right alongside the grass, the seedlings and the tulips.

Have a great long weekend everyone!

Music - Catharsis, relaxation and passion

From time to time I encounter people who aren't that 'into' music. Alan Rock did a The Ongoing History of New Music ditty that talked about the fact that some people are truly lacking the gene that appreciates patterns in rhythm, which, he says, is why humans are drawn to music and to creating sound and regular beats. He, of course, says this much more eloquently than I, but no matter...the point is that I have ALWAYS been passionate about music, and if I am tense, or stressed, or sad, or extremely happy - whatever my mental state - I need music. I just can't go very long without it.

Are you this way? Do you have radio stations set up and want to share your faves or tastes? I am an avid user of Blip.fm and would love to share some of my faves with you. Go to my station. Set up your own. Remind me of songs I am forgetting that are exceptional. And if you do this, and you want to share, add me as a favourite, and I will add you to mine. Fun stuff.

Happy Sunday everyone.