Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Very low

I am tired, sad and fat. I know I should give myself a break, with two miscarriages in 6 months, but its just so sad to not even fit into a size 16 all of a sudden. I have no clothes to wear (well, that's not true - I have pregnancy clothing). My thighs rub together when I walk and I think I will have trouble chafing when it finally (ever?) gets warm. I just can't believe how bad my self-esteem is right now.

How bad is it?

As I was walking downtown today, feeling my dress being pushed against my body by the wind, my internal dialogue told me, "Just pretend you are still pregnant, and walk tall pretending, because you still look that way. If you do that, then people won't look at you as fat, but as pregnant, even though it's not true." - lovely, eh?

I hate being in these dark places. It's not an environment I am used to. But I know it is pointless to ignore the impulse - gotta get through it to get out to the other side, right?

The weekend approaches, and that is good news. Being back at work has been hard.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Pam, I know I said that I am a lurker, not a commenter, but I thought this one deserved a comment. You don't look fat. You don't look anything close to fat. Sometimes, our internal dialogue is meaner than strangers.

    I am sorry that you are sad. Don't forget that your body isn't the only part of you trying to adjust right now, your hormones are also really out of whack.... and that can play some really mean tricks on your mind. I know that this week has been hard for you. Next week will be better, and the week after that even better still.

    I hope you treat yourslef this weekend, to something that makes you feel marvellous about yourself. You deserve it.