Sunday, April 25, 2010

Slip, tumble down stairs, then the terror sets in (retropost 2)

Okay. I have two scraped sections of skin on my arms, an aching tailbone, and a throbbing foot. But more than that, I have a brain that is working overtime trying, trying VERY VERY hard to say "Breathe, relax. Breathe, relax." and not...."PLEASE DON'T LET THIS HURT MY BABY. OMG PLEASE. I'VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. ONE LITTLE SLIP CAN'T KILL IT, RIGHT? RIGHT?????"

Yeah. So. I slipped on the way downstairs. I think I'm okay. I think that the baby should be okay. Time will tell. I have to relax. This isn't funny, though. I didn't need this tonight, or at all, really.

So yeah. This is a part prayer, part avoidance post to help me process my thoughts, calm down, talk this out rationally, and say that I really really hope that the discomfort I am feeling now is not a prelude to something far worse. That is all.

Please. If this were to cause miscarriage #4, I would LOSE IT officially and need a lot to come back. That is all.

(I was fine, if bruised and sore)

Double lines - Mixed Emotions (retropost 1)

So.  This post won't go up for some time, but I still want to document trip #4 through this baby-making process.  Yes, we are pregnant again. Fertility is NOT our problem, which, if I know how much other people struggle (and I do), means I feel especially blessed in that way.  It's a lovely knowledge to have, that you are beginning to grow a baby human inside your body.  And believe me, you KNOW when you are - the heartburn, the gas (well, more than usual, as my husband would say), the foggy "I feel like I haven't slept in 36hrs" tiredness, and, of course, the tingling, itchy, swollen and sore boobs!  You cannot go near these things right now, and my habit of sleeping on my stomach?...not workin' out so much.

But it would be a very small price to pay if in the end we finally have a happy, healthy baby.

Why won't this post go up for a while?  Because we just haven't been successful, and I'm no longer counting on success, and therefore we have decided to keep this a little under wraps until at least week 6 or more, since two of the three miscarriages so far have happened within a week of finding out, under the 5 week mark, and so at the very least, I thought let's just keep this on the QT for everyone's sanity, you know?

So what I am I thinking and feeling? Well, as I just mentioned above, I no longer am allowing myself to take the stance "Well, surely we can't miscarry again, so this one will work!", but more half expecting, for sanity's sake, that this won't work again.  I have also, over the past 3 months or so, refocused on other goals and actions in my life, realizing that I can control those and not this, and so that continues.  My focus is on my career, my activities and sports and just living life outside of this consideration, and if this works? Then great - our life can change and we can adapt, but only once we KNOW it is going to change, ya know?

It's hard.  Some days, I can't help it. Is it a girl or boy, I ask myself mentally, then berate myself for allowing myself to think about it. It will be so cool to automatically get seats in the bus soon, I think, then stop myself.  It's tough not to WANT.  But.  I think I am doin' alright so far, and if I had a choice, I'd still overwhelmingly choose to be pregnant.  The emotions may be mixed, but I'm still happy to be in a position to feel emotions like this.

Time will tell.

(What's really cool here? Didn't know I was pregnant with twins...)

The big announcement - finally!

The silence has finally been lifted and I can now shout from the rooftops, the tops of mountains, from my backyard deck and from wherever I find myself and the mood strikes me..."We're pregnant!" 

And then, in the next breath...."with TWINS!"

This was our first shocking ultrasound at only 7.5 weeks.  After a very careful time of measurement and consideration, the technician asked us "Were you on medication?".  We, who were so focused on having a healthy baby, didn't clue into what this question might imply, but said 'no'. Then, the technician said that you could see the heartbeat if you looked closely, and so we did, and saw the heartbeat.  Huge sighs of relief and happiness, yes, but before we could get comfortable with that, she said, "and do you see the second heartbeat?"

I feel like leaving it here, you know, because that was it.  That was the single most memorable moment I have had so far in my life.  Shock, then, ... overwhelming happiness, tears....

And I will never forget my husband's reaction.  I laughed through my tears.  He said nothing for over 30 seconds. His hand, in mine, which prior to the news had been warm and dry, became instantaneously slick with sweat, and his brow dotted with instant beads of same.  The technician offered a cold wet cloth to him to mop his brow with....he accepted.

Now, at 11 weeks, we have had a follow up ultrasound, and all looks well. Technology is so precise these days as to have told us that one of the babies is one day older than the other, meaning that one egg was released one day and another on the next. How cool is that? I already look about 5 months pregnant, and am wearing loose-fitting pseudo-maternity wear. I will be huge very shortly. And we have a LOT to do before their arrival.

But all this is just details.  Life, which continues as normal, is anything but.  And while I still have significant anxiety that all will not be perfect (who can blame me after three miscarriages in a row?), I am happier and more excited than I have ever been in my life.  Whatever else is going on pales in comparison to what is happening inside of me. 

Instant family.  ....   wow.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The wild ride that is life

Yup - it's my birthday week.  It's one helluva week folks!  Change is definitely in the air, as I gave notice at my current job and plan to move into another job in another department.  That, in and of itself, is change, but what's truly remarkable about the change is the nature of the job, and the people I will be working with. 

Let's tackle the job itself first.  It's working in with a large group of people all dedicated to web/electronic communications.  Specifically, I will be working in the policies and standards team, consulting closely with their innovations team to build Web 2.0 initiatives, social media projects, and the communications around them.  From what I understand, I will be allowed the opportunity to be involved in the wider Government 2.0 communities of practice.  I will also have the opportunity to develop the business cases and rationales, the presentations for buy-in, and even look at training other areas in the initiatives and corresponding activities.  It's, simply put, a dream job.  Why?  Because it's innovative, it's a new way of communicating, it's a challenge, and there are significant opportunities to build consensus and communicate for buy-in.  BRING IT.

Secondly, I am very excited by the people.  If there is one single most important workplace consideration in my mind, it is your team and the leaders of said team.  I have learned, often times the hard way, that a position can be supremely interesting with great files and challenges, but if you aren't surrounded by strong or even competent management and leaders, your time is moot.  Truly, proper support, recognition of input and accomplishment, and trust to allow the freedom to be creative and innovative are, I have found, somewhat rare.  Let's just say that I have kept notes in the hopes that, should the future afford me the opportunity to lead, I will do a better job than some I have encountered. 

So, it goes without saying that I get a very good vibe/read from the individuals who have interviewed me to hire me.  I have heard a number of times that they want to find the right 'fit' of person, and that chemistry and team dynamic are important.  They are fun, open, friendly, obviously competent, and seem to really understand that opening doors and encouraging their employees reaps strong rewards.  I simply cannot wait to lauch myself into this job. 

Spring has sprung, and in so many ways, I am growing right alongside the grass, the seedlings and the tulips.

Have a great long weekend everyone!