Sunday, May 31, 2009

Goals and Dreams - A DIY Update

So here it is, the eve of my return to work, and I can happily report that our pantry shelves are in (and look so good, they look custom) and the garden is DONE - D-O-N-E, Done! The fence still isn't completed and the house is SUCH a mess, but it feels good to have some major projects done.

I have been doing a bit of soul searching to try and figure out what snapped and why I have been obsessively working on my To Do list, and I think I have got it. Here it is:

All my life, when I have had a goal/dream, I have been able to work toward it and achieve it. I have had control over that destiny, and have rarely retreated or taken a step backwards. It's not my style. So it has occured to me that the reason I have had SUCH a hard time accepting my miscarriages is because it is a HUGE step backwards in my goals. It has felt, both times, as though I am moving backwards and having to start again, and it has not only unnerved me, it has been VERY hard for me to accept! THUS, the most cathartic response for me has been to do what I can CONTROL, and tackle the home improvements to feel like I am still moving forward with my life, with my plans, and moving towards achieving my dreams. It makes sense, doesn't it? It sure has made me feel better...

And on that note, it is time to clean up the mess from yesterday's garage sale (sold a few big items and all told, took in about $75...not bad, eh?) and go downstairs to our gorgeous new pantry to start organizing and STORING all the items in this house that have never had a place to rest. It is going to feel great!

Not as great as some heat and sunshine would, though - where is our warmth?

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Now get out there and SELL, SELL, SELL!

So here I sit, in the time honoured tradition of homeowners everywhere, trying to sell my junk and old furniture outside on my driveway. Some of what I got is junk, admittedly, but some of it is memories, great furniture, and solid value-added material, but still not a bite!

Admittedly, it only stopped raining about 1/2 an hour ago, and the weather isn't exactly ripe for this, but it is an annual community event, and so I thought that maybe that would help....but perhaps I should have put up signs too....

All I know is that I do NOT want this stuff back in my house, so what's a woman to do?

NONE of this is going to be allowed back into my old workshop and onto the new pantry shelves, that much is certain.

Hope my hubby gets here with my Timmy's soon. I'm lonely!

Friday, May 29, 2009

More DIY, More Projects, More, More MORE

So many projects, so little time. Everything takes so much longer than you think it will. Seriously. I have been working like a frenzied obsessive workaholic on gardening, home projects and yup - shopping - and feel like I need double the time I have had to even get finished what I have begun. And believe me, the to do list is still skyscraper long compared to my little bungalow 'crossed off the list' list.

But it has been good therapy moving forward with plans that have existed in my head only to this point. And now that the ball has started rolling, I don't intend to let it stop. For the longest time I just looked at my list, then flopped on the couch, nabbing the remote and looking for escape from the onset of the headache I got just LOOKING at my To Do List. Now, it feels like I am getting somewhere.

And considering that in other ways, I keep taking big steps backward in my plans, that is soothing to my soul.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Shopping as therapy

So, will spending $14,000 on kitchen upgrades help me through all this? Hey, we'll see! Met with Home Depot tonight to discuss how I can keep from either a) pulling all my hair out due to the headache I get when I look at my old kitchen, which is overrun with things we can't find places for or b) setting a bomb for distruction as a way of just 'taking care of it'...

So, shiny granite and a little cool storage as therapy for a broken heart? Might work, right?

Worth a bloody try, I say!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Just call me the workaholic hermit

At least I am ready to collapse into bed each night, too exhausted to think too much. The dreams haven't been pleasant, though.

I just can't do it. I just can't get out and back into my life yet. Crazy how heavy and onerous it feels to contemplate. It's my life, and it is a great why so hard to face?

But holy crap, the garden is looking better and better, the fence is getting painted (but after 4 full days of painting still not done - ! - so a word to the wize for all those contemplating repainting your fence with a brush, DON'T DO IT. Rent a sprayer, buy a sprayer or hire. Seriously.), and the new toilets are now in. Nothing like a need to keep busy to strike big items off your to do list, I guess!

I have incredible family and massive amounts of friends all offering love and support, and it is wonderful, and yet I can't reach out to them. It's like all I want is my man, my home, my garden and time. So if that's what I want, I guess I have to listen to that...

Saturday, May 23, 2009


Tough day. Absolutely stunning weather. Got some great gardening done, but really didn't care. Didn't care that I burnt myself to a crisp. Didn't care that my efforts look amazing. Didn't care to eat, or hydrate properly. Just didn't care much about anything.

Some things that I do care about, though, deeply. My husband. My parents. My friends.

I'll focus on them.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Day three

I guess today is communication day. Time to get on the phone, and talk to key people about what has happened and buy some time to work through it. It will be the first day (hopefully) where nothing too hideous happens - it SHOULD just be status quo, which is something I can handle. Blessedly (but not happily) the belly seems to be flattening out a bit, which can't happen fast enough for me right now, and I guess it is time to eat breakfast. Total lack of interest in this, of course, but we're going to go to Home Depot this morning in order to keep 'doing stuff' while the sky is overcast. If the weather forecast holds up, I will be back outdoors a little later, and just keeping busy.

And maybe, just maybe, tonight I will have some wine, since that is now allowed.

Time marches on!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The catharsis of gardening

After 2pm today, I was finally free to think of this latest news as being on its way to over. And then...I planted. And weeded. And moved perennials. And felt better knowing that I was surrounded by life and sunshine and getting my hands dirty in order to feel cleansed. It truly succeeded in soothing me; it was remarkable.

I don't begin to know why this happened to us. Again. I also don't really know what to say, feel, think, do with myself. I certqainly can't even contemplate going back to my usual life again. It's a daunting prospect, and I think I am going to need some time in relative solitude to cope. My husband, who is hurting and so very frustrated at being powerless to help or do anything, is all I want, and even when he hugs me, I feel like I just can't get close enough. I wish I could just meld into his skin and just not be me for a little while, you know?

And now that the sun is setting and I can't distract myself anymore with gardening, I am SO FRIGGIN' THANKFUL that there is something to watch on tv to help me stay distracted - So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD) - and so here I go, watching beauty in motion and emotion. Should be good...

And tomorrow will be another day.

5 am, alone and numb

Today I get to put two tablets in a less than cool place in order to induce a miscarriage that for all intents and purposes should have happened almost 5 weeks ago. Let me tell you, it doesn't feel good to know that your hopes and dreams are no longer alive but still in your body. That's about as polite and as blunt as I can be.

The sun is coming up, the birds are chirping, and I wish I could sleep because right now, that is my only hope for relief from the accidental purgatory I am in.

Not sure what I did to deserve this, but I sure wish I was not living this day right now...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Out of the wordwork to sooth my soul

So many stories! I cannot get over how many people I know have had bleeding during (and even throughout) their pregnancies! And it is making me feel MUCH better. So only a few hours to wait for the ultrasound to know for sure if everything is okay, but I am feeling MUCH more optimistic than I was. This pregnancy stuff is pretty laden with anxiety. Maybe that is part of my problem. With no medical issues throughout my life, it didn't occur to me that I might have issues with carrying a baby. Not sure why I am so naive sometimes, but better that than to be continously pessimistic and/or expecting the worst...

So...what is there to eat in this house? I'm hungry!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The power of positivity and the Internet

So after a lot of hours have passed, and a number of discussion posts have assured me that other mommies to be have experienced bleeding like mine and still had healthy babies, I am choosing to be highly optimistic about our chances that all will be okay. Maybe it is delusional (who knows, right?), but at least it is allowing me a modicum of peace of mind.

And by tomorrow afternoon, if all goes well, I will have heard a little, quick-paced heartbeat, and told what might be happening. And even if I don't have information about what is causing the bleeding, if the ultrasound reveals all is well with the baby and I hear that miniature heart pounding, then life will be good.

And that is how I choose to see my world tonight.

Price is Right and Sheer, Unbridled Fear

So here I lay on the couch, on my 'vacation week', after a weekend in Tremblant where we cancelled two golf rounds and where I REALLY took advantage of the king sized bed at the Fairmont, watching Drew Carey sporting a really hideous hairstyle and waiting for one of the most important tests I have ever had, but not until tomorrow. The day stretches ahead of me, long and full of anxiety and terror that I may be losing this baby.

I don't get it. Why again? Why the hell am I bleeding? What is WRONG, dammit?

You feel so powerless. Our bodies do some incredibly amazing things, but unfortunately you can't open them up to see what is going on, and that means you simply wait to see. That sucks. So all I have to cling to is an ultrasound appointment I have tomorrow (a pre-existing appointment, thank god) that will hopefully reveal what could be the problem, and confirm that all is well....maybe. The other option is just something I don't want to contemplate yet.

All I know is that today won't feel like much of a vacation day. It will feel like purgatory for something I did that was very very wrong.

Friday, May 15, 2009

I never thought I would be this woman

What happened to me? I became one of those people who allows all the small little jobs and messes to exponentially explode into a vast, intimidating mega-list of TO DO's.

And I don't know how to handle it. Really. It's like my personality doesn't allow me to see where to begin and how little efforts daily will get me to the end goal. I just don't know what to do. And, frankly, I don't have a husband who is helpful at all in this regard, as generally, he doesn't see the issues I see.

My mother, who comes back this week from Arizona, will be so disappointed that her own daughter let her home and garden get to this point.

Is it perfectionism? Laziness? Is it possible to be someone who can only be the idea girl and not the grinder? Am I just making excuses?


Monday, May 11, 2009

Stinky poo poo

Bad days at work can really drain you, can't they? Why, in a professional setting, do some people forget their manners, forget to be considerate, and stop seeing people as what they are - people - and not just a box on an org. chart or a way to get a (big picture) meaningless task done?

But here's the thing. When you stop to breathe, refocus and get your perspective back, it sure does make you appreciate the loveliness that exists outside the confines of your work space.

I don't know. With a baby on the way, what's important just seems to be more prominent and rise to the surface these days anytime I am faced with frustrations or days that bring me down. I mean, as we speak, I have a wonderful husband BBQing some lovely T-bones. He has made the salad (and made extra so that I can have a healthy meal at lunch tomorrow), and prior to that he left to grocery shop for said food. AND he bought me a lovely gift and a very special "Mother to be" card Sunday for mother's day ... so what was my problem again?

Right. I didn't really have one.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Guilty pleasures

Okay. Admittedly, I like junk food. I like fast food. I like chips and popcorn and nachos and sometimes I like chocolate and candy and baking. And ever since I turned 30 and started to gain weight, when indulging in these empty calories, I have felt mild pangs of guilt at putting this non-food into my body.

But those light pangs are NOTHING compared to how I now feel every time I indulge now that there is a growing baby in my belly. I mean, damn...everything I put in there is going toward feeding the growing person inside of me, and if they are empty calories, then SHAME ON ME, right? But, it seems, cravings are VERY hard to ignore, and unfortunately, there ain't a single green, leafy vegetable on that list of coveted nosh day in and day out. Nope, momma to be wants Fudgesickles (and they had to be the real deal), and smoked meat poutine and ketchup chips and even bloody cotton candy (a shout out to my awesome husband for stopping at that sad little shopping mall parking lot fairground to pick up a fresh bag of spun sugar in Brockville last week...!), but uh...there isn't any asparagus or spinach on that list of 'must have's'!

So for Sunday dinner, is it okay to want (and have) chicken nachos?

Even if it's not, that is what I want and so that is what I'm gonna have damnit. And the guilt can just be damned. (Besides, I had three stalks of celery, plain, just now, so that's good, right?)

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Better to be naked?

So one of the challenges to pregnancy is what the hell to wear. You keep growing, changing shape, and knowing that your size is temporary, and so you economize, and get creative and do what you can not to look sloppy, spend your life savings on useless throwaway clothes, and feel somehow confortable, as your belly, ass, hips and bust expand. And I am only just starting!

Take today as a prime example. I have a wedding to go to today, and another in mid-June, and so I decided that my only solution was to find a dress that would work for both events, and maybe even be something I can wear to work. Well, I found that dress, and it's great. However, it is also a summer dress. It's rainy and chilly today...doh! I guess it was too much to ask to have a sunny, warm day that would make my outfit suitable, eh?

Oh well. I am sure I can find a pashmina to toss over the shoulders and some shoes and make it work.

But yeah...most of the time, I want my yoga pants, a tank top, a pony tail, bare feet - things that stretch and won't restrain. And don't get me wrong - I love seeing myself expand. It's really exciting and fun, but I feel sloppy and not very put together now that I have so few clothes to wear!

Better to just go naked, maybe?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Making the birthing process personal

I am very happy to now say I have a midwife. How nice to know that such an intensely personal experience is going to be kept that way due to the possibility of building a close relationship with the woman (and a couple other women!) who will be with us throughout this process. The service is exeptional, and we are very lucky to have this option available to us, and to have it fully covered by our medical insurance in this province.

But jeeez! STILL no heartbeat for Daddy to hear! Apparently my little one is an active little thing (surprised?) and every time we caught a little glimmer of something (the doppler even sensed the heartbeat, even though we didn't hear it), the little dude/dudette shifted aggressively (did a flipturn and swam to the other side). At least we have another ultrasound in two weeks, so that will give him a chance to finally partake of this coolness. This time around, the baby will look like a baby in the image, too, since the first time, it was simply a little raspberry!

Ah, what fun. And, I was able to sign out Jenny McCarthy's book "Belly Laughs" from the midwifery group library, so I have some fun reading to do. Good times!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Me and Dick

If I ever needed a reminder that life continuously changes, meeting a contact from my past at a wine and food event this weekend transported me back over a decade to when I worked in film and television production. Back to a time when I worked for two seasons on a brutally crass and tasteless comedy series for the Comedy Network. Back when I worked with a man named Greg Lawrence, dressed a man named Greg Lawrence, shopped for Greg Lawrence's underwear, and dealt with the continuity issues on set, should Greg's underwear scene not look like the previous camera setup's. Very glamourous work.

So...for those who didn't know me then...I give you the best of "Butch Patterson, Private Dick", season 1 and season 2!

Bon appetit!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The gears shift

Lessons I have now learned about being pregnant:

1. If you get sick with a cold or a flu, expect to enjoy this status for a LONG TIME. You have no immune system.
2. If you have mild medical issues or tendencies towards certain discomforts from mouth all the way down to waste disposal systems, they will quadruple or get ten times worse during pregnancy. I can't REALLY politely say more, but you'll be shocked, and it will be uncomfortable...very uncomfortable.
3. Sometimes, even when you are VERY happy and know your life is wonderful, you are simply grumpy, pessimistic and weary, and impatient. Very impatient.
4. Then, all of a sudden, the clouds clear up, and the sun shines and you have more energy and feel great.

And this, my friends, is where I actually think I might be! I have been feeling much better over the past two/three days, and my energy is SO much better than it was. The sky is blue, and we are having a baby! How cool is that?

But... I still have my cough.