Sunday, October 4, 2009

Time and inclination

I haven't been writing much. I have been exploring another addictive social media tool, Twitter. It's quite the powerful play area, I must say! I have found top chefs who tweet about their days or food they are making. I have found winos who tweet about wine cellar resources (BTW COOL.)

But if I am honest, I am mostly not writing because I don't feel well. I keep sabbotaging my efforts to lose weight and get healthy again. I keep looking for things to do to be happier. I keep just kinda 'going through the motions' of my days, waiting for the next time I can try to get pregnant again. If I am really and brutally honest, I am unhappy. But it's hard to come to terms with that, when you look around and life is no different now than it was before the miscarriages, and in fact, we have more money and are in a better financial position. We have a new kitchen (almost) and our health, which jeeeez....seems like a MASSIVE blessing these days.

This week will be good though. Finally getting the kitchen moving again (granite on one side being replaces, plus the final touches on the cabinets and handles, etc.) and soon we will be able to get our handyman in again and we will then be able to tile the backsplash, replace the plug plates (bought some cool stainless steel ones), paint, install the new light fixtures, and then the only remaining item will be left - whatever solution we figure out for the patio blind/sun block. We have a major challenge because the kitchen design and the high cabinet on the left only clears the patio door frame by 1/8 of an inch. So. We need a solution to mount inside the frame and it will be interesting to see what we figure out. And believe me, with sunshine streaming in from the back of the house, we can't go long without something there. But the rest will be done, and THAT is exciting.

But it is a fleeting, external source of happiness. There's only one thing that will truly make me happy again. Being pregnant again.

Wish me luck.


  1. Good Luck...It will happen.
    And I know lots about sabbotaging efforts to lose weight and be healthy. Giving up certain food items is so much harder than giving up smoking.....You will get there!
    BTW I noticed a GRaco lean and fit by my house the other day......

  2. Don't beat yourself up for not feeling happy ... it's a natural feeling and you're allowed to have it. Try allowing yourself 15 minutes to close the door to your bedroom and just utterly and completely wallow in it. Then splash water on your face and keep moving. I know, I know, easier said than done. Infertility really, really sucks. But it's not forever. I'm with Jen - it will happen.