Friday, May 13, 2011

Losing it - Week What?

I'm losing it, alright...losing momentum. losing steam. losing motivation.  Maybe even losing myself...

I can't believe that I am THAT mom.  The one who looks at herself and can't be bothered.  The one who has a lot going on in her life, and thus uses all of it as an excuse to stubbornly ignore how much she hates her body (and doesn't do anything about it but sabbotage it). 

You see, I have worked hard in the past to lose weight.  I know how ridiculously hard it is.  And now, I have this strange belly that I can't be sure I CAN get rid of. This, by the way, is a very deep-seated fear.  I watched my mom work out every day for decades trying to get rid of her belly. I watched her try to find clothes that looked good on her. I was always so happy I didn't seem to have that issue...

I have that issue.

I also recently went to an incredible seminar hosted by Suzanne at Kangaroo Fitness about how to repair my diastasis recti.  It's AMAZING the tranformation that is possible.  Possible IF one works their stomachs off doing crazy amounts of daily exercises and changes their lifestyle to roll off of couches and out of beds, and never bends over to pick things up, or gets on all fours to do things.  Try doing that with twin babies folks.  I still haven't figured out how the hell that would work.  And the exercises?  Painful due to my serious lack of any core muscles right now.  Crazy hard.  And there is a follow up workshop I have to show my face at in two weeks. I also have a splint that is also uncomfortable.  Maybe it would be less so if I wasn't so damned big, but I'm not starting from the greatest waist measurement, ya know?

And what's crazy is that I am unhappy while being totally happy.  How does THAT work?  I love everything about my life right now, except how I look. 

But sometimes?  That's enough to ruin my day, or cast a pall over the great moments.  And that sucks.

Not sure what I want with all this boo hooing, but I just felt like getting it down and admitting my issue. I THINK at some point I will hit that wall I hit the first time I decided to get fit, and get down to business, but at the moment, I just look in the mirror and am overwhelmed knowing how much work I have ahead of me.

I need a posse, I think.  Thoughts from my blog gallery?

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