Monday, March 9, 2009

On making babies

Oh so much that could follow that title, eh?

So after an incredible weekend getaway to Huff Estates in Prince Edward County, my husband and I will celebrate our one year wedding anniversary this week on Thursday. Time goes at times by very quickly and at other times slow as molasses. While we have had overall an incredible first year together, we have had a tough winter, and never is the hurry up and wait feel to time passing been more prevalent than now. Ever since we lost the baby in November, I have tried, entirely unsuccessfully, not to calendar watch. Not to wait and hope and see how I am 'feeling' on any given day. Not to analyse every burst of gas, every tingle of flesh or tenderness of breast... I have sailed with the certainty that I am pregnant again, only to get stuck in the muck, low in spirits and iron each month that followed. I have figured out the hard way that my body is a bit screwed up with the hormones and after-effects of what I have to say is one of the hardest things I have gone through in my life.

But of course, many MANY women experience the same thing. It does comfort a little bit, but not really. We had a baby growing, and then we didn't and that simply sucked.

So. We now again find ourselves at the top of the hope spectrum, as another wait and see fortnight elapses. Will it happen or won't it? How do I stop thinking about it? How do I force myself not to analyse my body's signals, which has proven to be fruitless as it mocks me with every conceivable symptom at the oddest times?

I don't know how, but I do know that I am more relaxed than I have been in a long time, that somehow or other a curtain has lifted a bit and I am more positive and happy than I have been since that hideous month, and I am less obsessed than I have been. That's gotta be good for something. So...we wait and see where the next turn on this roller coaster takes us.



  1. hi pam, thanks for sharing this. i had a miscarriage last May and i still haven't healed. you sum it up perfectly when you say "we had a baby growing and then we didn't, and that simply sucked".

    it really DOES suck. i've finally given up on the idea of 'getting over it'. that's not going to happen. it's just a part of me now -- for better or worse.

    fingers crossed for you for all things.


  2. And good luck for you too. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just focus on the fact that you obviously can GET pregnant, right? Hope you have a lovely spring...