It's happening. Slowly but surely reality is creeping back into my daily life.
The day I return to work (albeit part-time) approaches, and certain arrangements are necessary to make. Other professional opportunities are surfacing, bringing this creaky, underused mind back out of park and into first, second gear. And daily life, although mostly still centred on the babies, is also starting to be about other tasks, such as arranging moving details, packing and slowly but surely taking care of Mommy as well as the twins.
I'm pleased about this, but a little wary as well. I know how tiring professional work can be. I also know how tiring being a mommy to twins is. And I think to myself...BOTH? Hmmmm....Good in a lot of ways for me, but also, likely, tiring. And still I wonder how I am going to consistently fit in time for Mommy to work on herself and her needs into what is likely to be a bit of a crazy schedule.
Now, I must insert here that I am WELL aware that this situation? Is not unique or new. Most modern Canadian Moms juggle all the above, every day. I'm just looking at the view from where I am now, and realizing that the short-lived luxury of time off work with a focus solely on the babies is quickly falling away to be replaced by all the above in addition to a heavy focus on the babies.
How do you all do it? What are your tips and secrets? Where do you feel you compromise and what generally gets the short end of the stick, in your mind?
And finally, let's all say it again in unison; "life is just one big adventure"...ain't it?
Showing posts with label Life changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life changes. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Insights for the New Mom Series - Anxiety
So, although not overtly intended to be advice, a lot of my recent posts could easily serve to help new expectant mothers (and especially mothers of multiples) prepare for what is to come. I thought that here and there I would expressly write posts that detail experiences that I imagine can be universal, or unexpected, or issues that can crop up that would have been good to know beforehand.
Such as...anxiety.
I just never really gave much thought to how I would feel after the babies arrived in terms of stress or facing the challenges. I DID worry about post-partum depression, but other than that, you just think "It'll be hard but so wonderful to finally be a Mom!". But here's the thing. I bet even the most experienced former babysitters who thought they would be 'naturals' at child-rearing have experienced anxiety in the early days.
What do I mean by anxiety? I mean a full-on panicky feeling onset by a lack of sleep, fear of what lies ahead (like a long sleepless night when you are already exhausted, for instance), or feeling overwhelmed and knowing that there will be NO MORE relaxing, long sleeps or freedom from having a baby to worry about. Yes, you are ecstatic to have successfully given birth to a (hopefully) healthy baby, but you have to face the emotions that you will feel when deprived of sleep, overwhelmed at the tasks ahead, and feeling like it won't end anytime soon.
And, I have to say, that these feelings come in full partnership with guilt for even thinking this way, and cause a LOT of stress that both you and your baby feel...and...it will affect your breast milk production. A vicious circle.
But it gets better. Don't think about the distant future. Just think about the hour to come and how the babies are happy and healthy and doing fine, and so are you. Try to relax and know you are doing a good job. Try to get help so that you can take a bath, or catch a nap, or go for a walk to get some fresh air.
Relaaaaaaaaax.
And if you can't relax that night, then know that it gets easier, you get more accustomed to being a Mom, and yes, you will actually start to enjoy the demands placed on you and feel more than competent to handle them.
Eventually.
Such as...anxiety.
I just never really gave much thought to how I would feel after the babies arrived in terms of stress or facing the challenges. I DID worry about post-partum depression, but other than that, you just think "It'll be hard but so wonderful to finally be a Mom!". But here's the thing. I bet even the most experienced former babysitters who thought they would be 'naturals' at child-rearing have experienced anxiety in the early days.
What do I mean by anxiety? I mean a full-on panicky feeling onset by a lack of sleep, fear of what lies ahead (like a long sleepless night when you are already exhausted, for instance), or feeling overwhelmed and knowing that there will be NO MORE relaxing, long sleeps or freedom from having a baby to worry about. Yes, you are ecstatic to have successfully given birth to a (hopefully) healthy baby, but you have to face the emotions that you will feel when deprived of sleep, overwhelmed at the tasks ahead, and feeling like it won't end anytime soon.
And, I have to say, that these feelings come in full partnership with guilt for even thinking this way, and cause a LOT of stress that both you and your baby feel...and...it will affect your breast milk production. A vicious circle.
But it gets better. Don't think about the distant future. Just think about the hour to come and how the babies are happy and healthy and doing fine, and so are you. Try to relax and know you are doing a good job. Try to get help so that you can take a bath, or catch a nap, or go for a walk to get some fresh air.
Relaaaaaaaaax.
And if you can't relax that night, then know that it gets easier, you get more accustomed to being a Mom, and yes, you will actually start to enjoy the demands placed on you and feel more than competent to handle them.
Eventually.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Enough with the photos, right?
So I finally had a few minutes to finally figure out how to create a Flickr feed onto the blog, set up a page exclusively for the slideshow, and upload photos to my Flickr page. This will mean that I don't have to post a million photos to my main page posts, but you can see all the latest shots on the latest photos tab on the top right of this blog.
It's still not fancy coding or design - one of these days I will take some training and do a much better job of this - but it's still cool and new and a better way to showcase my new and beautiful little family...
Do you have tips for me? I know there are ways to upload photos from my mobile phone to Flickr? How does one do that? One day I hope to have time to figure that out too...
In the meantime, hope you like it!
It's still not fancy coding or design - one of these days I will take some training and do a much better job of this - but it's still cool and new and a better way to showcase my new and beautiful little family...
Do you have tips for me? I know there are ways to upload photos from my mobile phone to Flickr? How does one do that? One day I hope to have time to figure that out too...
In the meantime, hope you like it!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
On lotteries and life
Seemed an appropriate title, given that today, thanks to a great contact found on Twitter, we had a free photo shoot with a lovely local photographer. Its just one of the amazing experiences I have gleaned from this little microblogging site, and I cannot understate the role it had in my life in 2010.
And what a year it was. All one has to do is read my blog this past year to know that this was hands down the most eventful, monumental, exceptional years of my life, and one that rocked the foundation upon which the prior 37 years had been based.
But it's all good, people, it's ALL GOOD.
Because, as painful and heartbreaking as the year was, it was also the most beautiful, and it culminated in the arrival of our delicioius twin girls, Alexandra and Hailey. Life at its most incredible, and most fragile, was illustrated to us. Life at its most resilient and death-defying, was also illustrated. And through it all, we have a new and healthy family.
This year also crystalized for me my awareness of the incredible community of family and friends we have backing and supporting us as we tackle life's unique challenges. What can be said about this support except that we are very, very fortunate people. As far as I am concerned, we have won the global lottery where we are and with what we have. It's not overstated or sentimental; it is fact.
And so...while I don't have a lot of time to summarize what has happened, I can flash back to this time, and know that moving forward it will make me appreciate the incredible moments that are already stacking up.
My only wish is that others have such experiences. Happy New Year everyone...may it be wondrous, new, and ground-breaking, as ours will be.
And what a year it was. All one has to do is read my blog this past year to know that this was hands down the most eventful, monumental, exceptional years of my life, and one that rocked the foundation upon which the prior 37 years had been based.
But it's all good, people, it's ALL GOOD.
Because, as painful and heartbreaking as the year was, it was also the most beautiful, and it culminated in the arrival of our delicioius twin girls, Alexandra and Hailey. Life at its most incredible, and most fragile, was illustrated to us. Life at its most resilient and death-defying, was also illustrated. And through it all, we have a new and healthy family.
This year also crystalized for me my awareness of the incredible community of family and friends we have backing and supporting us as we tackle life's unique challenges. What can be said about this support except that we are very, very fortunate people. As far as I am concerned, we have won the global lottery where we are and with what we have. It's not overstated or sentimental; it is fact.
And so...while I don't have a lot of time to summarize what has happened, I can flash back to this time, and know that moving forward it will make me appreciate the incredible moments that are already stacking up.
My only wish is that others have such experiences. Happy New Year everyone...may it be wondrous, new, and ground-breaking, as ours will be.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
My daughter: My hero
This post was supposed to go up yesterday, the one week anniversary of baby Hailey’s surgery. As per the norm these days, I couldn’t get to it, and likely won’t finish writing this in the time I have allowed for it today either, as I have to run shortly to take baby Alexandra to her 2 week doctor’s appointment.
As I sit here in the ‘pod’ at CHEO, I can hear the not-so-coarse anymore cries of my little Hailey, who as of this morning is off oxygen and breathing room air for the first time since her birth. She is still being fed by a tube, but Mother’s milk at a higher and higher dosage every day. I found out today that it will be another 5 days or so of increasing this continuous feeding method before they will be looking at starting regular feedings (i.e. larger amounts all at once).
Alexandra is here in her bassinette stroller, sleeping, but increasingly restless – it will be again time for more boobage shortly, and so maybe this blog won’t be as detailed as I would like, and frankly, I want to hold my little girl one more time before I have to skip out.
So as this title says, my daughter is my hero. There is no other way to describe the fight she has in her, and her tolerance of all she has been through. The photos will show it all. What started as an initial cry and big deep breath at birth (great for Mom and Dad to hear, but VERY bad for Hailey and the nurses who then had to decompress the lungs and remove the air from her stomach and bowels) has progressed past a number of days of stabilization, surgery five days after birth on Monday, November 8, an initial feeding trial only two days after surgery (which was regurgitated several hours later), then continuous small feedings that Friday which have progressed from 1ml/hr at that point to now 5ml/hr with another 1ml/hr added every 12 hour period. Her ventilation tube was removed on Saturday, her medications were completely weaned down on Sunday, and all signs are very, very good.
Here are some shots before her surgery. The first was shot by Art in the OR right after she was intubated.
This shot is the first time Mommy got to see or touch her little hero. She was only there for what seemed like a moment, then carted off to CHEO. Daddy went with her. It was excruciating, but necessary.
Then came the first 72 hours after Mom's surgery. Trying to nurse. Trying to recover. Trying to make my way over somehow to CHEO without being allowed to bring big sister Alex. And the little I did get there, this is what I saw...a damn cute little helpless, but tough baby girl, with tubes coming out of what seemed like every area on her tiny body. Hard to look at, and yet we knew this was what was necessary to save her. To stabilize her for just long enough to get ready for a crazy 'work over' to come. We didn't know how long she would need to be in this state, drugged and intubated, and waiting, but in the end it was only 5 days. A small amount of time, a lifetime...
Then, surgery day. What can I say about surgery day, November 8? Hell on earth? We won't get into the emotional roller coaster, but here, in a nutshell, is the overview of what 'technically' happened.
The Surgery
The surgery was scheduled for 11 am on November 8, just 5 days (albeit long days) after Hailey’s birth. She had been stable almost continuously and so everything was looking great in terms of her readiness for what was to be a major reworking of her organs. We hadn’t met until then with the surgeon, and so it was literally right before her surgery that we met with our exceptional surgeon. We were shocked to see that he was younger than we were. Very soft-spoken, and when we asked for him to draw out a diagram of what the situation was and what he was going to be doing, he obliged. One day I will scan that image and put up a post about it, but in the meantime, we have something even more incredible…an x-ray of the before and after.
In the before shot (above) you will see that essentially all the bowels, stomach, intestines, and even the spleen and part of her liver are all stuffed up in her left lung cavity (the black masses). The left lung, inside the cavity, is collapsed in behind all the other organs, and her heart, which is supposed to be kinda in the middle of her chest cavity, has been squished over to the right, displaced.
And here is the after shot. All her organs have been moved down and into place, and if you see the left lung cavity, you can see the faint outline of her left lung, partially expanded. Eventually her lung will fill this cavity as it grows and gets stronger, and the heart has already started to migrate over to its proper position.
One of the biggest concerns of the surgery was the discovery of how large the hernia/hole actually was, and whether or not there would be enough surrounding muscle tissue to close up the hole without introducing artificial prostheses. If they were able to patch the hole without the artificial patch, her likelihood of re-herniation and complications would be greatly limited. Turns out, although the hole was considered quite large, there was enough tissue there to patch it together, and so the prognosis was excellent. From there, the next question was going to be “Are all the organs fully developed and functioning as they should be?” Time would tell on that front.
Oh, and I should mention that while meeting with the surgeon, I did ask him directly if he had had a good sleep and confirmed that he had not gone out for drinks with his buds the night before. Although asked in a joking manner, I was dead serious. We all have bad days at work, right? The nurse afterward was flabbergasted that I actually came out and asked that question.
So here we are, 10 days after her surgery, and she is up to 9 ml/hr of Mommy’s breast milk. She is also being held by Mom, Dad and even Grandma and Grandpa these days, and as of this morning, I have been told I am allowed to put her to my breast to help her learn to breastfeed. I can’t say what this means to me, as I was so nervous that she would learn to feed through a bottle first and not know how to latch. I can’t wait.
So I guess that means I want to wrap this up. I have some feeding to do – both of Alex and of Hailey. Will try get another blog post done shortly, but given this took 4 days to finish (and I still have to format and upload pix), we’ll see.
Here are some more shots of Hailey at various stages after the surgery.
And then the ventilation tube came out, and stuff slowly got removed from her body. Starting with the ventilation tube!
As I sit here in the ‘pod’ at CHEO, I can hear the not-so-coarse anymore cries of my little Hailey, who as of this morning is off oxygen and breathing room air for the first time since her birth. She is still being fed by a tube, but Mother’s milk at a higher and higher dosage every day. I found out today that it will be another 5 days or so of increasing this continuous feeding method before they will be looking at starting regular feedings (i.e. larger amounts all at once).
Alexandra is here in her bassinette stroller, sleeping, but increasingly restless – it will be again time for more boobage shortly, and so maybe this blog won’t be as detailed as I would like, and frankly, I want to hold my little girl one more time before I have to skip out.
So as this title says, my daughter is my hero. There is no other way to describe the fight she has in her, and her tolerance of all she has been through. The photos will show it all. What started as an initial cry and big deep breath at birth (great for Mom and Dad to hear, but VERY bad for Hailey and the nurses who then had to decompress the lungs and remove the air from her stomach and bowels) has progressed past a number of days of stabilization, surgery five days after birth on Monday, November 8, an initial feeding trial only two days after surgery (which was regurgitated several hours later), then continuous small feedings that Friday which have progressed from 1ml/hr at that point to now 5ml/hr with another 1ml/hr added every 12 hour period. Her ventilation tube was removed on Saturday, her medications were completely weaned down on Sunday, and all signs are very, very good.
Here are some shots before her surgery. The first was shot by Art in the OR right after she was intubated.
This shot is the first time Mommy got to see or touch her little hero. She was only there for what seemed like a moment, then carted off to CHEO. Daddy went with her. It was excruciating, but necessary.
Then came the first 72 hours after Mom's surgery. Trying to nurse. Trying to recover. Trying to make my way over somehow to CHEO without being allowed to bring big sister Alex. And the little I did get there, this is what I saw...a damn cute little helpless, but tough baby girl, with tubes coming out of what seemed like every area on her tiny body. Hard to look at, and yet we knew this was what was necessary to save her. To stabilize her for just long enough to get ready for a crazy 'work over' to come. We didn't know how long she would need to be in this state, drugged and intubated, and waiting, but in the end it was only 5 days. A small amount of time, a lifetime...
Then, surgery day. What can I say about surgery day, November 8? Hell on earth? We won't get into the emotional roller coaster, but here, in a nutshell, is the overview of what 'technically' happened.
The Surgery
The surgery was scheduled for 11 am on November 8, just 5 days (albeit long days) after Hailey’s birth. She had been stable almost continuously and so everything was looking great in terms of her readiness for what was to be a major reworking of her organs. We hadn’t met until then with the surgeon, and so it was literally right before her surgery that we met with our exceptional surgeon. We were shocked to see that he was younger than we were. Very soft-spoken, and when we asked for him to draw out a diagram of what the situation was and what he was going to be doing, he obliged. One day I will scan that image and put up a post about it, but in the meantime, we have something even more incredible…an x-ray of the before and after.
In the before shot (above) you will see that essentially all the bowels, stomach, intestines, and even the spleen and part of her liver are all stuffed up in her left lung cavity (the black masses). The left lung, inside the cavity, is collapsed in behind all the other organs, and her heart, which is supposed to be kinda in the middle of her chest cavity, has been squished over to the right, displaced.
And here is the after shot. All her organs have been moved down and into place, and if you see the left lung cavity, you can see the faint outline of her left lung, partially expanded. Eventually her lung will fill this cavity as it grows and gets stronger, and the heart has already started to migrate over to its proper position.
One of the biggest concerns of the surgery was the discovery of how large the hernia/hole actually was, and whether or not there would be enough surrounding muscle tissue to close up the hole without introducing artificial prostheses. If they were able to patch the hole without the artificial patch, her likelihood of re-herniation and complications would be greatly limited. Turns out, although the hole was considered quite large, there was enough tissue there to patch it together, and so the prognosis was excellent. From there, the next question was going to be “Are all the organs fully developed and functioning as they should be?” Time would tell on that front.
Oh, and I should mention that while meeting with the surgeon, I did ask him directly if he had had a good sleep and confirmed that he had not gone out for drinks with his buds the night before. Although asked in a joking manner, I was dead serious. We all have bad days at work, right? The nurse afterward was flabbergasted that I actually came out and asked that question.
So here we are, 10 days after her surgery, and she is up to 9 ml/hr of Mommy’s breast milk. She is also being held by Mom, Dad and even Grandma and Grandpa these days, and as of this morning, I have been told I am allowed to put her to my breast to help her learn to breastfeed. I can’t say what this means to me, as I was so nervous that she would learn to feed through a bottle first and not know how to latch. I can’t wait.
So I guess that means I want to wrap this up. I have some feeding to do – both of Alex and of Hailey. Will try get another blog post done shortly, but given this took 4 days to finish (and I still have to format and upload pix), we’ll see.
Here are some more shots of Hailey at various stages after the surgery.
And then the ventilation tube came out, and stuff slowly got removed from her body. Starting with the ventilation tube!
What a fighter. What a survivor.
My daughter: my hero.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
So...yeah...announcing the arrival of our baby girls!
Exactly one week later, I'd like to finally announce the arrival of baby Alexandra Patricia, 7 pounds, 6 ounces, born on November 3rd at 11:38 a.m., and her little twin sister Hailey Elizabeth, 5 pounds, 12 ounces, born at 11:39.
I'm sitting here as I write this at the side of little Hailey, in the yellow 'pod' in the NICU at CHEO, after a week that is almost indescribable, but that ultimately will be the most momentous of my life. Followed closely by each successive week to come, I'm sure. Already today, only two days after her surgery, I just had the heart-bursting privilege of feeding my lovely survivour her first taste of Mommy's milk. Although through a syringe and into her tummy through a tube, it finally felt like a contribution to her life outside the womb that no one else could offer. Love in liquid form. Overwhelming.
So. Yes. Let's be honest here. I'm in love with two different ladies and a man and have been trying desperately to manage all these relationships while still retaining some physical and emotional sanity. I have plenty of love to go around, but not enough physicality or time on the clock. Every day has been a day of firsts. Each crazy event is a blog post just waiting to happen, and each minute is another where I have been saying...oh gosh...I gotta remember this; it'll be a great story. But I have to find time. At this moment, I finally have a full afternoon to spend here at CHEO, and every second that I write this post is a second I lose from reading Hailey a story or holding her hand. Baby Alex is in the family lounge with Grandma and Grandpa, waiting sleepily for more boobage, and after that, Mommy will have to pump for more milk for Hailey before she can go back to 'hang' with Hailey again. Still haven't figured out how to nap. When Alex naps and still get some time with Hailey, but hoping to get a slower pace going now.
Wish me luck, andknow that I have a mountain of posts to come, and one day will find my way to a damn computer to get off this iPhone and get some writing done.
But let's just leave it at this. Life is a wondrous, magnificent, heart-wrenching and bursting journey. We are all blessed, and if we have love and health, we ought never to be unhappy.
And, it seems, on this iPhone, I can't go over this post to edit. Hope the typos aren't too bad... Will fix later
I'm sitting here as I write this at the side of little Hailey, in the yellow 'pod' in the NICU at CHEO, after a week that is almost indescribable, but that ultimately will be the most momentous of my life. Followed closely by each successive week to come, I'm sure. Already today, only two days after her surgery, I just had the heart-bursting privilege of feeding my lovely survivour her first taste of Mommy's milk. Although through a syringe and into her tummy through a tube, it finally felt like a contribution to her life outside the womb that no one else could offer. Love in liquid form. Overwhelming.
So. Yes. Let's be honest here. I'm in love with two different ladies and a man and have been trying desperately to manage all these relationships while still retaining some physical and emotional sanity. I have plenty of love to go around, but not enough physicality or time on the clock. Every day has been a day of firsts. Each crazy event is a blog post just waiting to happen, and each minute is another where I have been saying...oh gosh...I gotta remember this; it'll be a great story. But I have to find time. At this moment, I finally have a full afternoon to spend here at CHEO, and every second that I write this post is a second I lose from reading Hailey a story or holding her hand. Baby Alex is in the family lounge with Grandma and Grandpa, waiting sleepily for more boobage, and after that, Mommy will have to pump for more milk for Hailey before she can go back to 'hang' with Hailey again. Still haven't figured out how to nap. When Alex naps and still get some time with Hailey, but hoping to get a slower pace going now.
Wish me luck, andknow that I have a mountain of posts to come, and one day will find my way to a damn computer to get off this iPhone and get some writing done.
But let's just leave it at this. Life is a wondrous, magnificent, heart-wrenching and bursting journey. We are all blessed, and if we have love and health, we ought never to be unhappy.
And, it seems, on this iPhone, I can't go over this post to edit. Hope the typos aren't too bad... Will fix later
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
A poem of love and welcome
Tumbling, squirming
punching, kicking
you grew from nothing
but the love and desire
of two who want you
love you
more than you will ever know
Inside, you two together
make me laugh
worry, pee and smile
so safe and cozy
but life isn't and so
you must join us, tomorrow
where we'll be here for you every day thereafter
You may not know it
but you are the core
of all that we are
and all that is beautiful
in life
worth any and all
heartbreak, fear, sacrifice, risk
Convinced of your strength
and with our conviction
that you will fight
for every breath
for life
an army of love
is behind you both
Welcome, my twins
meeting you both
will be powerful
momentous
the biggest event ever to take place
in our lives, and the start
of your amazing journeys
punching, kicking
you grew from nothing
but the love and desire
of two who want you
love you
more than you will ever know
Inside, you two together
make me laugh
worry, pee and smile
so safe and cozy
but life isn't and so
you must join us, tomorrow
where we'll be here for you every day thereafter
You may not know it
but you are the core
of all that we are
and all that is beautiful
in life
worth any and all
heartbreak, fear, sacrifice, risk
Convinced of your strength
and with our conviction
that you will fight
for every breath
for life
an army of love
is behind you both
Welcome, my twins
meeting you both
will be powerful
momentous
the biggest event ever to take place
in our lives, and the start
of your amazing journeys
Monday, September 27, 2010
A beautiful state of being
So yesterday we had our photo shoot to snap some great shots of this gorgantuan (like that? Cross between gorgeous and gargantuan) belly of mine at Baby and Belly photography. Can't wait to see the finished shots, but have to say that I am moved deeply by this experience and so happy to have photographic documentation of what is the most incredible time of my life so far. I'll never forget what being pregnant has been like, and I am already missing (in advance) housing these two little squirming ones inside of me. Here's hoping they will hold on for the full 6 remaining weeks!!!
So, without further delay, here is a sampling:
So, without further delay, here is a sampling:
Now THAT is a belly....and a family waiting to happen in just a very short time. Gulp.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
A mountain of generosity
Wow, what a fun weekend with some very special friends. It all started off with a spa pedi and mani with a fabulous friend, project 'grey elimination' at my hair salon, and then my Friday shower - an after-work cocktail hour confection bringing together some of the fun, intelligent, exceptional women I have met through my recent years in my career. All of them have become great friends.
Saturday began with a nice, long, in-depth meeting with our doulas. Some interesting troubleshooting happening with them, I have to say. Trying to consider all the various scenarios of how this birth will go, and how we wish to handle all the situations that might befall us, is interesting to say the least. I came away feeling excited about the possibilities, anxious about the outcomes, but secure in the knowledge that I have built up a great team around me to tackle all that may come our way. I have a number of detailed questions to ask the high-risk team at the General now that will help me know what is possible from their perspective, and I have some new resources to pursue to assist with other challenges I will have, such as breastfeeding and pumping challenges.
Then...another GREAT shower (the big one!) hosted by one of my longest and most dear friends, with help from a number of other key women in my life. How does one express how important the deep-seated and invaluable friendships are to me? I can't. I really and truly can't. Seeing women who have been my partying partners in crime, my sporty supports, my family for a lifetime, and friends of my husband who have become correspondingly essential additions to my posse portfolio all present to celebrate this crazy, exciting and transitory time in my life filled me with a sense of incredible gratitude, and a sense of how truly blessed I am. I love the thought and effort put into making the event special to me. I loved the banner made up for us that can be strung up to announce to the world of our great fortune. I loved my 'two peas in a pod' t-shirt that I will wear with pride as I parade around Ottawa shopping for last minute finishing touches to get ready for my little 'peas'. And I loved the laughter, the stories, the energy in the room. And, ya know...the mountain of presents that kept coming and coming and coming! I will never forget it, and I'm sure that the pictures, sure to be forwarded to me, won't LET me forget it!
And now? Now, I sit here, writing a blog post, and staring at a living room rife with miniature goods, snuggly things, rattling gadgets and pretty little outfits ready to be washed, packed away or put on appropriate display. I have work to do.
What a lovely weekend. What wonderful people are all around me. What a wonderful life.
I can't wait to introduce two new lives into the mix.
Saturday began with a nice, long, in-depth meeting with our doulas. Some interesting troubleshooting happening with them, I have to say. Trying to consider all the various scenarios of how this birth will go, and how we wish to handle all the situations that might befall us, is interesting to say the least. I came away feeling excited about the possibilities, anxious about the outcomes, but secure in the knowledge that I have built up a great team around me to tackle all that may come our way. I have a number of detailed questions to ask the high-risk team at the General now that will help me know what is possible from their perspective, and I have some new resources to pursue to assist with other challenges I will have, such as breastfeeding and pumping challenges.
Then...another GREAT shower (the big one!) hosted by one of my longest and most dear friends, with help from a number of other key women in my life. How does one express how important the deep-seated and invaluable friendships are to me? I can't. I really and truly can't. Seeing women who have been my partying partners in crime, my sporty supports, my family for a lifetime, and friends of my husband who have become correspondingly essential additions to my posse portfolio all present to celebrate this crazy, exciting and transitory time in my life filled me with a sense of incredible gratitude, and a sense of how truly blessed I am. I love the thought and effort put into making the event special to me. I loved the banner made up for us that can be strung up to announce to the world of our great fortune. I loved my 'two peas in a pod' t-shirt that I will wear with pride as I parade around Ottawa shopping for last minute finishing touches to get ready for my little 'peas'. And I loved the laughter, the stories, the energy in the room. And, ya know...the mountain of presents that kept coming and coming and coming! I will never forget it, and I'm sure that the pictures, sure to be forwarded to me, won't LET me forget it!
And now? Now, I sit here, writing a blog post, and staring at a living room rife with miniature goods, snuggly things, rattling gadgets and pretty little outfits ready to be washed, packed away or put on appropriate display. I have work to do.
What a lovely weekend. What wonderful people are all around me. What a wonderful life.
I can't wait to introduce two new lives into the mix.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Closer - Not just a Nine Inch Nails song
We must be getting close - we are filling out our pre-admission forms for the hospital to hand in tomorrow. Friday marks the 30th week, and although I am hoping to take my little goobers as far as possible, a standard delivery 'full term' for twins is 36 weeks. So..yeah...getting closer.
Tomorrow is our meeting with the neonatologist. We plan to sit down tonight to organize our thoughts and write down all the questions we want to ask. So many questions! I just hope that this will be a fairly interactive session with a lot of dialogue to help us prepare mentally for how this is all going to go down (in consideration of the various scenarios, of course). In situations like this (and let's face it, in general), I crave information to calm me down, give me a sense of control (ha!)...
It's funny, too, because I also feel better the more I focus on this whole 'nesting' thing, and come up with solutions to help me better deal with what is to come. For instance, I recently gave some thought to how we might best cope with having one healthy baby with us and another in CHEO. We live clear across town, and particularly if I am breastfeeding, baby A will need to be with us, and likely both of us, as we traipse to the hospital for visits. Tomorrow we hope to find out about possible stays in Rogers House, or with my parents, or whatever, but I realized that it would be great to order and have the bassinet attachment for our stroller. This way, we have a portable bed for wherever we find ourselves, and it might help us extend our time at the hospital too. It's a really small thing, but it made me feel more organized against the chaos to come.
Friday is also my last day of work. This will both take a lot of time pressure off me, but also make me feel like we're closer to the amazing race day. I can't wait to focus full-time on preparation of the house, the clothes and supplies, and my mental state to get ready for this...
Oh, and a blog post is to come re: cloth diapering. I need your input and guidance, my mothering friends!
Tomorrow is our meeting with the neonatologist. We plan to sit down tonight to organize our thoughts and write down all the questions we want to ask. So many questions! I just hope that this will be a fairly interactive session with a lot of dialogue to help us prepare mentally for how this is all going to go down (in consideration of the various scenarios, of course). In situations like this (and let's face it, in general), I crave information to calm me down, give me a sense of control (ha!)...
It's funny, too, because I also feel better the more I focus on this whole 'nesting' thing, and come up with solutions to help me better deal with what is to come. For instance, I recently gave some thought to how we might best cope with having one healthy baby with us and another in CHEO. We live clear across town, and particularly if I am breastfeeding, baby A will need to be with us, and likely both of us, as we traipse to the hospital for visits. Tomorrow we hope to find out about possible stays in Rogers House, or with my parents, or whatever, but I realized that it would be great to order and have the bassinet attachment for our stroller. This way, we have a portable bed for wherever we find ourselves, and it might help us extend our time at the hospital too. It's a really small thing, but it made me feel more organized against the chaos to come.
Friday is also my last day of work. This will both take a lot of time pressure off me, but also make me feel like we're closer to the amazing race day. I can't wait to focus full-time on preparation of the house, the clothes and supplies, and my mental state to get ready for this...
Oh, and a blog post is to come re: cloth diapering. I need your input and guidance, my mothering friends!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
CDH - Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia
Okay, so I'm now up on the lingo around this issue! Henseforth, I will probably refer to my little goober's issue as CDH. We have another ultrasound and Dr.s appointment on Thursday. I'm hoping I get a different doctor this time: two weeks ago, I had one of those doctors who couldn't seem to answer my questions with a concise answer, choosing instead to go completely off-topic on diatribes of random information, wasting both his and my time.
Oh yes, and he also implied that whether my birth plan was to go without epidural or not, I would want one. Believe me, I mean this when I say I am going to do whatever I can to go the natural route (barring a lack of choice, of course). I have lots of support - my Mom, hubby and two doulas - and we shall see, but I really don't appreciate men who scoff at the idea that I can deliver without meds! Yes, it's still entirely possible that I will beg for it, but my PLAN is to try go without. Why is that something to laugh at?
So back to the CDH. I met an amazing little 16 mo. old girl last night. Her name is Georgia, and she survived CDH surgery shortly after birth. Her parents are wonderful, and her Mom, a blogger as well. Prior to heading over for the meeting, I had a look way back to the beginning of her tale to read up on what she experienced. Georgia's story is the very best case scenario, but nevertheless, it was still so very hard to read about in parts. It all became very real what we are going to experience in less than three months.
While speaking to Georgia's Mom, we discovered that she had met other parents in Ottawa dealing with the issue, but not in any organized way (in fact, she, like me, was just lucky to know people who knew people etc.), which got me thinking. The information you find online about this condition is either very clinical, or reflective of more international, or US-based information and statistics - but what of the experiences of the parents and babies locally? What about putting together a website and forum, and lining up experienced parents who have made it through to help other parents facing this crazy situation? Something I might consider...however I wish I had better html training to do it properly...any resources, ideas or volunteers?
So, have I mentioned before now how lucky we are to be here in Ottawa facing a baby with CDH? We are. After talking to both the CHEO surgeon, and comparing that to the information I got from Georgia's parents, we feel a lot more positive about the eventual outcome of this ordeal. Unlike other areas of the world, it seems the track record for Ottawa's survival rate is far better than the 50% worldwide rate. No, we don't really know the percentage, but last year we think there were at least 4 cases, and all survived. No, we also don't know to what extent the recovery was a complete one without residual medical conditions (which is entirely possible). We also don't know what the average recovery time was, which, according to the CHEO surgeon can be months - much longer than the one month Georgia spent in the hospital.
We are hoping we can get some anecdotal information from the neonatologist we are meeting next week. They are the primary and key players in this whole thing, as they are the ones who help to stabilize the baby upon birth and help her breathe, and they are also the ones who carefully tend to the poor little ones after their surgery. They know a lot about the care of these little ones, as well as the ins and outs of the experience for the parents. Not sure just how many combo twins/CDH cases they have, but they can probably answer some of our questions about how to be at the hospital and also have a baby to tend to NOT in the hospital. Can she come in to be with her sister, or will she have to be separated for the long haul? Where can one of us go with one baby while the other parent visits the hospitalized baby? What are our options for staying there/sleeping etc.? Lots of questions, you know? It's gonna be quite a challenge.
But we really do feel positive about her chances. We think it will all work out in the end. And we feel very, very supported by friends, family, the team of specialists who will help us all along, and now, the generous family that has been through this situation, and who selflessly offered us their time and insights. I will be sure to offer the same to any other parents-to-be facing a baby with CDH...
Oh yes, and he also implied that whether my birth plan was to go without epidural or not, I would want one. Believe me, I mean this when I say I am going to do whatever I can to go the natural route (barring a lack of choice, of course). I have lots of support - my Mom, hubby and two doulas - and we shall see, but I really don't appreciate men who scoff at the idea that I can deliver without meds! Yes, it's still entirely possible that I will beg for it, but my PLAN is to try go without. Why is that something to laugh at?
So back to the CDH. I met an amazing little 16 mo. old girl last night. Her name is Georgia, and she survived CDH surgery shortly after birth. Her parents are wonderful, and her Mom, a blogger as well. Prior to heading over for the meeting, I had a look way back to the beginning of her tale to read up on what she experienced. Georgia's story is the very best case scenario, but nevertheless, it was still so very hard to read about in parts. It all became very real what we are going to experience in less than three months.
While speaking to Georgia's Mom, we discovered that she had met other parents in Ottawa dealing with the issue, but not in any organized way (in fact, she, like me, was just lucky to know people who knew people etc.), which got me thinking. The information you find online about this condition is either very clinical, or reflective of more international, or US-based information and statistics - but what of the experiences of the parents and babies locally? What about putting together a website and forum, and lining up experienced parents who have made it through to help other parents facing this crazy situation? Something I might consider...however I wish I had better html training to do it properly...any resources, ideas or volunteers?
So, have I mentioned before now how lucky we are to be here in Ottawa facing a baby with CDH? We are. After talking to both the CHEO surgeon, and comparing that to the information I got from Georgia's parents, we feel a lot more positive about the eventual outcome of this ordeal. Unlike other areas of the world, it seems the track record for Ottawa's survival rate is far better than the 50% worldwide rate. No, we don't really know the percentage, but last year we think there were at least 4 cases, and all survived. No, we also don't know to what extent the recovery was a complete one without residual medical conditions (which is entirely possible). We also don't know what the average recovery time was, which, according to the CHEO surgeon can be months - much longer than the one month Georgia spent in the hospital.
We are hoping we can get some anecdotal information from the neonatologist we are meeting next week. They are the primary and key players in this whole thing, as they are the ones who help to stabilize the baby upon birth and help her breathe, and they are also the ones who carefully tend to the poor little ones after their surgery. They know a lot about the care of these little ones, as well as the ins and outs of the experience for the parents. Not sure just how many combo twins/CDH cases they have, but they can probably answer some of our questions about how to be at the hospital and also have a baby to tend to NOT in the hospital. Can she come in to be with her sister, or will she have to be separated for the long haul? Where can one of us go with one baby while the other parent visits the hospitalized baby? What are our options for staying there/sleeping etc.? Lots of questions, you know? It's gonna be quite a challenge.
But we really do feel positive about her chances. We think it will all work out in the end. And we feel very, very supported by friends, family, the team of specialists who will help us all along, and now, the generous family that has been through this situation, and who selflessly offered us their time and insights. I will be sure to offer the same to any other parents-to-be facing a baby with CDH...
Sunday, August 22, 2010
What's in a name?
I bet I fooled you, and you thought this post would reveal the names we have chosen for our twin girls to come. Nope. Those, we are keeping under wraps until the big arrival. Sorry.
That said, the house is abuzz today with family and friends helping assemble furniture, patch walls, sort, clean and PURGE. While doing so, I was given a box I had put together of treasures from my past. Yes, folks, we're talking journals from my late teens/early 20's, love letters from past beaus, momentos from travels, film memorabilia from my days as an 'indie filmmaker' (and yes, I threw out approximately 40 VHS copies of my short film destined way back when for film festivals all over the world, recycling the cases. I will be taking my BETA master to a dubber to put it on DVD for posterity, so all is not lost!).
And, I came across a printout of the meaning of my name, Pam, that I had kept 'cause I thought it was hilarious. I'm curious what you all think...bang on? Yes, but?
Here it is:
Pam: Your first name of Pam has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person. Generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic. As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people. This name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances. You can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following any appreciation shown you. There are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating. You enjoy freedom from monotony and are stimulated by unexpected opportunities for meeting people, entertaining, or pursuing activities of a carefree nature. In your work, you find it difficult to be neat and orderly. You rarely plan things ahead of time, or follow a routine. Emotion and feeling, the desire to be carefree, friendly, and happy, are the driving forces in your being, rather than shrewdness, ambition, and material success.
Now I'm wondering...what does your name say about you? Have you looked it up? Got a funny one that's way off? Would love to hear.
And now...I can throw out that printout. Another successful purge. Yay for me.
That said, the house is abuzz today with family and friends helping assemble furniture, patch walls, sort, clean and PURGE. While doing so, I was given a box I had put together of treasures from my past. Yes, folks, we're talking journals from my late teens/early 20's, love letters from past beaus, momentos from travels, film memorabilia from my days as an 'indie filmmaker' (and yes, I threw out approximately 40 VHS copies of my short film destined way back when for film festivals all over the world, recycling the cases. I will be taking my BETA master to a dubber to put it on DVD for posterity, so all is not lost!).
And, I came across a printout of the meaning of my name, Pam, that I had kept 'cause I thought it was hilarious. I'm curious what you all think...bang on? Yes, but?
Here it is:
Pam: Your first name of Pam has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person. Generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic. As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people. This name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances. You can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following any appreciation shown you. There are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating. You enjoy freedom from monotony and are stimulated by unexpected opportunities for meeting people, entertaining, or pursuing activities of a carefree nature. In your work, you find it difficult to be neat and orderly. You rarely plan things ahead of time, or follow a routine. Emotion and feeling, the desire to be carefree, friendly, and happy, are the driving forces in your being, rather than shrewdness, ambition, and material success.
Now I'm wondering...what does your name say about you? Have you looked it up? Got a funny one that's way off? Would love to hear.
And now...I can throw out that printout. Another successful purge. Yay for me.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Where's my sense of accomplishment?
Right. I forgot. It's being held up by others not doing their jobs.
Yes, folks, my list is getting longer and nothing is moving forward, all thanks to people either doing shoddy jobs, or others just not getting their gears shifted into drive to enable me to move on things. Isn't that just the way?
Meanwhile, I am DEFINITELY gaining inches and weight, and having issues even getting up off the couch, so that later these things get pushed, the worse for me. Not a good recipe. You'd think they would take pity on me, and put me to the top of their list of "People to eventually help out". Harrumph.
So the venting is done. Thanks for your patience.
On another note, I had a great long weekend and got to a friend's cottage for some sun, space and relaxation floating on the lake. That shit is good for the soul, my friends!
What about you? What does it take to take you away from it all? A sandy beach? A hammock and a novel? A patio and cold beer?
Stay thirsty, my friends...
Yes, folks, my list is getting longer and nothing is moving forward, all thanks to people either doing shoddy jobs, or others just not getting their gears shifted into drive to enable me to move on things. Isn't that just the way?
Meanwhile, I am DEFINITELY gaining inches and weight, and having issues even getting up off the couch, so that later these things get pushed, the worse for me. Not a good recipe. You'd think they would take pity on me, and put me to the top of their list of "People to eventually help out". Harrumph.
So the venting is done. Thanks for your patience.
On another note, I had a great long weekend and got to a friend's cottage for some sun, space and relaxation floating on the lake. That shit is good for the soul, my friends!
What about you? What does it take to take you away from it all? A sandy beach? A hammock and a novel? A patio and cold beer?
Stay thirsty, my friends...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The calming influence of chaos - who knew?
The 'transition' has begun. It's sheer and utter chaos in our home right now. We've torn up, torn down and moved around everything in order to start all the renos necessary to prepare for the twins. What's best is that the vast majority of the chaos is being led by my baby-boomer generation parents, who know no end to the energy stores needed to work towards tackling even the most massive projects. Where others intimidate, my fabulous parents dive in. God bless them.
So what do we need to do? We are painting the entire upper floor, including all bedrooms (and the nursery of course). We have ripped out the two closets in the two spare rooms to make way for some custom solutions - can't wait to make a cool cubby-rich option for the twins with little bars for the occasional dress and lots of great solutions for storing their little socks, toys, etc. We have ordered the new carpet and the thickest underpad possible for the entire upper floor and stairs, so the painting has to be done, then we will rip out the carpet and get ready for that installation.
What else? Well, we are having a great friend of ours, a master custom carpenter Tobias create a wall storage, entertainment unit and bookshelf solution for our main floor that will hug three walls spanning the living room to the dining room - if we gotta stay in our great little home for a while longer, we need STORAGE!
We totally have to clean and organize our garage and buy some shelving solutions - it's gonna become a massive storage and workshop area - it never did fit a car in it anyway (stupid builders)...
Oh yeah - and we have to fully renovate and redo the basement to make room for an office/entertainment area and playroom for the twins. We CANNOT have the big toys etc. on the main floor - no room. So, we are gonna try get this done before they arrive. Any great suggestions for awesome contractors? Please feel free to recommend!
Ah yes, and BTW, I will be creating a photo album for the nursery transformation. Can't wait to see THIS...
...become a lovely, fun, vibrant nursery with white and bright stunning photography and colours.
And yes, the chaos means that things are getting done, and that makes Mommy start to relax, because that list above? ... is long, and Momma don't have much time left!
So what do we need to do? We are painting the entire upper floor, including all bedrooms (and the nursery of course). We have ripped out the two closets in the two spare rooms to make way for some custom solutions - can't wait to make a cool cubby-rich option for the twins with little bars for the occasional dress and lots of great solutions for storing their little socks, toys, etc. We have ordered the new carpet and the thickest underpad possible for the entire upper floor and stairs, so the painting has to be done, then we will rip out the carpet and get ready for that installation.
What else? Well, we are having a great friend of ours, a master custom carpenter Tobias create a wall storage, entertainment unit and bookshelf solution for our main floor that will hug three walls spanning the living room to the dining room - if we gotta stay in our great little home for a while longer, we need STORAGE!
We totally have to clean and organize our garage and buy some shelving solutions - it's gonna become a massive storage and workshop area - it never did fit a car in it anyway (stupid builders)...
Oh yeah - and we have to fully renovate and redo the basement to make room for an office/entertainment area and playroom for the twins. We CANNOT have the big toys etc. on the main floor - no room. So, we are gonna try get this done before they arrive. Any great suggestions for awesome contractors? Please feel free to recommend!
Ah yes, and BTW, I will be creating a photo album for the nursery transformation. Can't wait to see THIS...
...become a lovely, fun, vibrant nursery with white and bright stunning photography and colours.
And yes, the chaos means that things are getting done, and that makes Mommy start to relax, because that list above? ... is long, and Momma don't have much time left!
Monday, June 28, 2010
The hourglass is half full, people!
This weekend, we hit the 20 week mark - and that's actually the halfway mark for a normal pregnancy, but having seen the stats this past weekend at the multiple birth classes, there were NO deliveries of twins past 40 weeks at the Civic, thus...uh...we are past the halfway point.
What does this mean? Um...apparently it means my feet are all of a sudden gonna start swelling ('cause that's what happened). It means that I finally seem to be growing quickly (and by deduction, so must the babies be growing). And it means that I'm starting to finally get a little uncomfortable. I have had a wonderful pregnancy so far, but I know the tough part is on the way. And the recent onslaught of heartburn hasn't been a welcome addition either! BUT.
It's all worth it, right?
And so I have had a bummy, poopy, hormone-down kinda day today, but because the heat is on outside and the sun is shining, I am going to try to turn the tide by hitting the outdoor city pool shortly. Nothing better than swimming under the sun. Granted, there are guaranteed to be a number of unsupervised kids splashing around, so tranquil it won't be, but then...my life won't be very tranquil for much longer, so I best get used to that environment, hmmmm?
How about you? What did you do to get out of a hormonal funk while pregnant?
What does this mean? Um...apparently it means my feet are all of a sudden gonna start swelling ('cause that's what happened). It means that I finally seem to be growing quickly (and by deduction, so must the babies be growing). And it means that I'm starting to finally get a little uncomfortable. I have had a wonderful pregnancy so far, but I know the tough part is on the way. And the recent onslaught of heartburn hasn't been a welcome addition either! BUT.
It's all worth it, right?
And so I have had a bummy, poopy, hormone-down kinda day today, but because the heat is on outside and the sun is shining, I am going to try to turn the tide by hitting the outdoor city pool shortly. Nothing better than swimming under the sun. Granted, there are guaranteed to be a number of unsupervised kids splashing around, so tranquil it won't be, but then...my life won't be very tranquil for much longer, so I best get used to that environment, hmmmm?
How about you? What did you do to get out of a hormonal funk while pregnant?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
And the panic starts to set in
So much to do. Oh my gawd. So much to buy, paint, renovate! Started a little group to help try share info as we research where the heck to buy the best items for twins. It's not so straightforward, ya know? We don't need a cool stroller, we need a crazy tank of a system that is gonna work for two! We don't need a playpen, we need a full-on baby station for the main floor so that we don't have to drag two babies up and down the stairs constantly for changes!
And yes, at 17 weeks, I am almost 1/2 way to the normal delivery time for twins, so Momma is getting a bit antsy!
Time to get busy!
Got suggestions? Know great resources? In the Ottawa area and expecting (or already have) twins? Let me know here!!!
And yes, at 17 weeks, I am almost 1/2 way to the normal delivery time for twins, so Momma is getting a bit antsy!
Time to get busy!
Got suggestions? Know great resources? In the Ottawa area and expecting (or already have) twins? Let me know here!!!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Double lines - Mixed Emotions (retropost 1)
So. This post won't go up for some time, but I still want to document trip #4 through this baby-making process. Yes, we are pregnant again. Fertility is NOT our problem, which, if I know how much other people struggle (and I do), means I feel especially blessed in that way. It's a lovely knowledge to have, that you are beginning to grow a baby human inside your body. And believe me, you KNOW when you are - the heartburn, the gas (well, more than usual, as my husband would say), the foggy "I feel like I haven't slept in 36hrs" tiredness, and, of course, the tingling, itchy, swollen and sore boobs! You cannot go near these things right now, and my habit of sleeping on my stomach?...not workin' out so much.
But it would be a very small price to pay if in the end we finally have a happy, healthy baby.
Why won't this post go up for a while? Because we just haven't been successful, and I'm no longer counting on success, and therefore we have decided to keep this a little under wraps until at least week 6 or more, since two of the three miscarriages so far have happened within a week of finding out, under the 5 week mark, and so at the very least, I thought let's just keep this on the QT for everyone's sanity, you know?
So what I am I thinking and feeling? Well, as I just mentioned above, I no longer am allowing myself to take the stance "Well, surely we can't miscarry again, so this one will work!", but more half expecting, for sanity's sake, that this won't work again. I have also, over the past 3 months or so, refocused on other goals and actions in my life, realizing that I can control those and not this, and so that continues. My focus is on my career, my activities and sports and just living life outside of this consideration, and if this works? Then great - our life can change and we can adapt, but only once we KNOW it is going to change, ya know?
It's hard. Some days, I can't help it. Is it a girl or boy, I ask myself mentally, then berate myself for allowing myself to think about it. It will be so cool to automatically get seats in the bus soon, I think, then stop myself. It's tough not to WANT. But. I think I am doin' alright so far, and if I had a choice, I'd still overwhelmingly choose to be pregnant. The emotions may be mixed, but I'm still happy to be in a position to feel emotions like this.
Time will tell.
(What's really cool here? Didn't know I was pregnant with twins...)
But it would be a very small price to pay if in the end we finally have a happy, healthy baby.
Why won't this post go up for a while? Because we just haven't been successful, and I'm no longer counting on success, and therefore we have decided to keep this a little under wraps until at least week 6 or more, since two of the three miscarriages so far have happened within a week of finding out, under the 5 week mark, and so at the very least, I thought let's just keep this on the QT for everyone's sanity, you know?
So what I am I thinking and feeling? Well, as I just mentioned above, I no longer am allowing myself to take the stance "Well, surely we can't miscarry again, so this one will work!", but more half expecting, for sanity's sake, that this won't work again. I have also, over the past 3 months or so, refocused on other goals and actions in my life, realizing that I can control those and not this, and so that continues. My focus is on my career, my activities and sports and just living life outside of this consideration, and if this works? Then great - our life can change and we can adapt, but only once we KNOW it is going to change, ya know?
It's hard. Some days, I can't help it. Is it a girl or boy, I ask myself mentally, then berate myself for allowing myself to think about it. It will be so cool to automatically get seats in the bus soon, I think, then stop myself. It's tough not to WANT. But. I think I am doin' alright so far, and if I had a choice, I'd still overwhelmingly choose to be pregnant. The emotions may be mixed, but I'm still happy to be in a position to feel emotions like this.
Time will tell.
(What's really cool here? Didn't know I was pregnant with twins...)
The big announcement - finally!
The silence has finally been lifted and I can now shout from the rooftops, the tops of mountains, from my backyard deck and from wherever I find myself and the mood strikes me..."We're pregnant!"
And then, in the next breath...."with TWINS!"
And then, in the next breath...."with TWINS!"
This was our first shocking ultrasound at only 7.5 weeks. After a very careful time of measurement and consideration, the technician asked us "Were you on medication?". We, who were so focused on having a healthy baby, didn't clue into what this question might imply, but said 'no'. Then, the technician said that you could see the heartbeat if you looked closely, and so we did, and saw the heartbeat. Huge sighs of relief and happiness, yes, but before we could get comfortable with that, she said, "and do you see the second heartbeat?"
I feel like leaving it here, you know, because that was it. That was the single most memorable moment I have had so far in my life. Shock, then, ... overwhelming happiness, tears....
And I will never forget my husband's reaction. I laughed through my tears. He said nothing for over 30 seconds. His hand, in mine, which prior to the news had been warm and dry, became instantaneously slick with sweat, and his brow dotted with instant beads of same. The technician offered a cold wet cloth to him to mop his brow with....he accepted.
Now, at 11 weeks, we have had a follow up ultrasound, and all looks well. Technology is so precise these days as to have told us that one of the babies is one day older than the other, meaning that one egg was released one day and another on the next. How cool is that? I already look about 5 months pregnant, and am wearing loose-fitting pseudo-maternity wear. I will be huge very shortly. And we have a LOT to do before their arrival.
But all this is just details. Life, which continues as normal, is anything but. And while I still have significant anxiety that all will not be perfect (who can blame me after three miscarriages in a row?), I am happier and more excited than I have ever been in my life. Whatever else is going on pales in comparison to what is happening inside of me.
Instant family. .... wow.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The wild ride that is life
Yup - it's my birthday week. It's one helluva week folks! Change is definitely in the air, as I gave notice at my current job and plan to move into another job in another department. That, in and of itself, is change, but what's truly remarkable about the change is the nature of the job, and the people I will be working with.
Let's tackle the job itself first. It's working in with a large group of people all dedicated to web/electronic communications. Specifically, I will be working in the policies and standards team, consulting closely with their innovations team to build Web 2.0 initiatives, social media projects, and the communications around them. From what I understand, I will be allowed the opportunity to be involved in the wider Government 2.0 communities of practice. I will also have the opportunity to develop the business cases and rationales, the presentations for buy-in, and even look at training other areas in the initiatives and corresponding activities. It's, simply put, a dream job. Why? Because it's innovative, it's a new way of communicating, it's a challenge, and there are significant opportunities to build consensus and communicate for buy-in. BRING IT.
Secondly, I am very excited by the people. If there is one single most important workplace consideration in my mind, it is your team and the leaders of said team. I have learned, often times the hard way, that a position can be supremely interesting with great files and challenges, but if you aren't surrounded by strong or even competent management and leaders, your time is moot. Truly, proper support, recognition of input and accomplishment, and trust to allow the freedom to be creative and innovative are, I have found, somewhat rare. Let's just say that I have kept notes in the hopes that, should the future afford me the opportunity to lead, I will do a better job than some I have encountered.
So, it goes without saying that I get a very good vibe/read from the individuals who have interviewed me to hire me. I have heard a number of times that they want to find the right 'fit' of person, and that chemistry and team dynamic are important. They are fun, open, friendly, obviously competent, and seem to really understand that opening doors and encouraging their employees reaps strong rewards. I simply cannot wait to lauch myself into this job.
Spring has sprung, and in so many ways, I am growing right alongside the grass, the seedlings and the tulips.
Have a great long weekend everyone!
Let's tackle the job itself first. It's working in with a large group of people all dedicated to web/electronic communications. Specifically, I will be working in the policies and standards team, consulting closely with their innovations team to build Web 2.0 initiatives, social media projects, and the communications around them. From what I understand, I will be allowed the opportunity to be involved in the wider Government 2.0 communities of practice. I will also have the opportunity to develop the business cases and rationales, the presentations for buy-in, and even look at training other areas in the initiatives and corresponding activities. It's, simply put, a dream job. Why? Because it's innovative, it's a new way of communicating, it's a challenge, and there are significant opportunities to build consensus and communicate for buy-in. BRING IT.
Secondly, I am very excited by the people. If there is one single most important workplace consideration in my mind, it is your team and the leaders of said team. I have learned, often times the hard way, that a position can be supremely interesting with great files and challenges, but if you aren't surrounded by strong or even competent management and leaders, your time is moot. Truly, proper support, recognition of input and accomplishment, and trust to allow the freedom to be creative and innovative are, I have found, somewhat rare. Let's just say that I have kept notes in the hopes that, should the future afford me the opportunity to lead, I will do a better job than some I have encountered.
So, it goes without saying that I get a very good vibe/read from the individuals who have interviewed me to hire me. I have heard a number of times that they want to find the right 'fit' of person, and that chemistry and team dynamic are important. They are fun, open, friendly, obviously competent, and seem to really understand that opening doors and encouraging their employees reaps strong rewards. I simply cannot wait to lauch myself into this job.
Spring has sprung, and in so many ways, I am growing right alongside the grass, the seedlings and the tulips.
Have a great long weekend everyone!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Am I getting old, or just insanely jealous?
So, I'm trying to dig WAAAAY down deep to find out why I have so little interest in the Oscar's tonite. Is it because I'm getting old, and fairytales just don't appeal? Is it because I'd be considered morbidly obese in tinseltown, and thus, I boycott while green with envy? I mean, I used to love to see what the women are wearing...now I just see a lot of uncomfortable, and uncomfortably thin, women dressed like cheezy barbies and hoping the papparazzzzzzo with Luuuuuuuuurve them tomorrow.
Time for milk and some Oreo cookies - and to find something to watch tonite.
Time for milk and some Oreo cookies - and to find something to watch tonite.
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