Swipe and See - What every pregnant woman does in her first trimestre

I can't believe the wait is almost over.  Tomorrow marks week 12 for these two little 'goobers' inside me, which all women know is a BIG DEAL.  It marks the end of the first trimestre.  It marks the culmination of many weeks of forming key organs and setting the stage for the growth phases.  If all is not well now, then it won't ever be.

It's a scary thought.

And I am personally very happy that I have my IPS (Integrated Prenatal Screening) ultrasound on Monday afternoon in order to confirm, for the THIRD time now, that all is well and looks healthy.  After three miscarriages, you just really don't let yourself TRULY beleive that this thing will actually work out, ya know?

Which brings me to the title of this post.  I don't know about you, but I look forward to a time when I won't feel compelled to take a look after going to the washroom.  A very personal topic, certainly, but every woman, previous miscarriage or not, will 'get' what the 'swipe and see' is all about.  And you can read all the books and articles you want that tell you a bit of spotting is okay, but for me?...spotting has led EVERY TIME to the loss of my baby. 

But.  This time?  All clear.

And so, too, will my mind be come Monday night.  I can just feel it.  All will be well, and I can start to bond with these two little miracles inside me.  I can be a happy future Mommy. I am crying with relief and happiness at the thought of it.  It has been a long 12 weeks.

Slip, tumble down stairs, then the terror sets in (retropost 2)

Okay. I have two scraped sections of skin on my arms, an aching tailbone, and a throbbing foot. But more than that, I have a brain that is working overtime trying, trying VERY VERY hard to say "Breathe, relax. Breathe, relax." and not...."PLEASE DON'T LET THIS HURT MY BABY. OMG PLEASE. I'VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. ONE LITTLE SLIP CAN'T KILL IT, RIGHT? RIGHT?????"

Yeah. So. I slipped on the way downstairs. I think I'm okay. I think that the baby should be okay. Time will tell. I have to relax. This isn't funny, though. I didn't need this tonight, or at all, really.

So yeah. This is a part prayer, part avoidance post to help me process my thoughts, calm down, talk this out rationally, and say that I really really hope that the discomfort I am feeling now is not a prelude to something far worse. That is all.

Please. If this were to cause miscarriage #4, I would LOSE IT officially and need a lot to come back. That is all.

(I was fine, if bruised and sore)

Double lines - Mixed Emotions (retropost 1)

So.  This post won't go up for some time, but I still want to document trip #4 through this baby-making process.  Yes, we are pregnant again. Fertility is NOT our problem, which, if I know how much other people struggle (and I do), means I feel especially blessed in that way.  It's a lovely knowledge to have, that you are beginning to grow a baby human inside your body.  And believe me, you KNOW when you are - the heartburn, the gas (well, more than usual, as my husband would say), the foggy "I feel like I haven't slept in 36hrs" tiredness, and, of course, the tingling, itchy, swollen and sore boobs!  You cannot go near these things right now, and my habit of sleeping on my stomach?...not workin' out so much.

But it would be a very small price to pay if in the end we finally have a happy, healthy baby.

Why won't this post go up for a while?  Because we just haven't been successful, and I'm no longer counting on success, and therefore we have decided to keep this a little under wraps until at least week 6 or more, since two of the three miscarriages so far have happened within a week of finding out, under the 5 week mark, and so at the very least, I thought let's just keep this on the QT for everyone's sanity, you know?

So what I am I thinking and feeling? Well, as I just mentioned above, I no longer am allowing myself to take the stance "Well, surely we can't miscarry again, so this one will work!", but more half expecting, for sanity's sake, that this won't work again.  I have also, over the past 3 months or so, refocused on other goals and actions in my life, realizing that I can control those and not this, and so that continues.  My focus is on my career, my activities and sports and just living life outside of this consideration, and if this works? Then great - our life can change and we can adapt, but only once we KNOW it is going to change, ya know?

It's hard.  Some days, I can't help it. Is it a girl or boy, I ask myself mentally, then berate myself for allowing myself to think about it. It will be so cool to automatically get seats in the bus soon, I think, then stop myself.  It's tough not to WANT.  But.  I think I am doin' alright so far, and if I had a choice, I'd still overwhelmingly choose to be pregnant.  The emotions may be mixed, but I'm still happy to be in a position to feel emotions like this.

Time will tell.

(What's really cool here? Didn't know I was pregnant with twins...)

Number four was always my favourite number, but is it lucky?

So here we are once again.  Trying to get, and remain, pregnant.  So it goes.  Excited and glad to be on this road again, but if there was ever a use for the phrase "feel like I'm running on a treadmill", this would be it.  Why a treadmill?  Because I associate a treadmill with exercise that can easily become formulaic; because on a treadmill the scenery repeats itself; and because you keep getting on it, but going nowhere. It has been a real struggle to not let this situation infiltrate and impact my entire life, including my relationship.  I've been fairly successful I think, overall, at doing this.

But that's not to say that this is a sad story, folks. I have a LOT of hope.

There is no reason they have really found for why we have had three miscarriages, and we DON'T have trouble getting pregnant, so that's good, right?  Yes, it is.  I know just how lucky I am that this, at least, is not a problem.

Here's the issue, though.  It's kinda sad, really, that the joy one is supposed to feel when they become pregnant is never going to be what I feel again. For my own sanity, I HAVE to temper my excitement and proceed cautiously. Even if we DO manage to make it through the first trimestre...I dunno, but I imagine I won't be able to help but feel anxious, you know?

But looking at it from a positive angle, it is what it is, and if what that is, is a healthy baby in the end?  I can reserve my full joy for the outcome and for many, many years to come. 

And THAT is worth getting excited about.

Mycoplasma Redux - The need for proper research/study guidelines

So a little update on the mycoplasma bacteria diagnosis and its relevance to my mulitple miscarriages. I have taken my antibiotics now and gone for my follow up appointment, and if I hear nothing back, that is good news and means that we have eliminated this 'issue' or potential issue as it relates to pregnancy and miscarriage.

But here's the thing.  Going into my follow up appointment, I fully expected that I wouldn't hear my doctor tell me that THIS was the ONE problem and that we had a 100% chance of a healthy baby in attempt #4, but what he did tell me, in hindsight, is really starting to piss me off, frankly.  No, I'm not directing this anger at the doctor, but at the actual studies he cited when he spoke to me about this bacteria and its links to miscarriage and infertility.

Basically, he said that while it is good that we found this, took steps to eliminate it, and struck yet one more item off the list of 'remotely possible reasons' to explain my miscarriages, he said, not for the first time, that he doesn't hold a lot of confidence in the studies that link mycoplasma to miscarriage.  He said that the studies he has seen took a group of 30 women who had had multiple miscarriages and who had this bacteria, treated the bacteria, and then reported that 70% of the 30 went on to have a healthy baby.  Cool, eh?  No, not really, because where was the control group of 30?  Apparently there wasn't one.  And according to my doctor, if you had done a control group and NOT treated them with antibiotics, he was willing to bet that the control group results would have had almost the same success percentage. 

So here's my question.  Who the HELL is conducting these experiements?  I took science in HIGH SCHOOL and know that any time to you want to test a hypothesis and conduct an experiment, you need a control group to make it a valid result.  Right?  Jeez.

So.

As I expected, while we treated something that MIGHT have been influencing our outcome, it certainly isn't something to invest savings betting on.

But I need to keep in mind the odds that I WOULD put money on, and that is the 60% chance, based on my history, that the 4th attempt will be the successful attempt.  Who wouldn't bet money with a 60% chance? 

So, without further adieu....we're officially back on the baby-making bandwagon.  Let the fun times begin!

Problems, information, potential solutions and pills - it's a good day today!

You may not think that ripping open a letter only to see a prescription fall out of it could possibly be a good thing, but today, it is. For all those women (and there are many) out there who have suffered a miscarriage, or like I have, multiple miscarriages, it is VERY hard to keep going without answers. And, in a lot of situations, modern medicine still doesn't have good answers.

Before today's little surprise package, we really were going off the words of our fertility specialist, who felt that we might not get an answer and that to try again, we were going to have to have faith that it was just bad luck, based on our miscarriage history and the information he had at hand. I hated that answer, people. Really hated it. But he also said that that meant I had a 65% chance, this fourth time around, of having a healthy full term baby, and what person wouldn't buy a lotto ticket with THOSE odds, right?

But as a way of cutting out the few little possible explanations, we took blood tests that looked for something specific. Guess what? I have a bacteria!

For all those women that are looking for answers, here's information that you could get simply by requisitioning a blood test! If I recall correctly, it (Mycoplasma of the "ureaplasma urealyticum" variety), is relatively common, but for a couple trying to conceive, it can be a real issue, contributing to infertility and miscarriage. We obviously don't have fertility issues, but guess what? We fall into category 2 nicely.

I am so frickin' exCITed, I can't tell you. Imagine if this is the only issue? Imagine going into attempt #4 with a bit more reassurance that I won't have to go through this again? IMAGINE a squirming, chortling, burping, pooping but otherwise healthy baby.

It is SUCH a good day.

Take this to the bank...life isn't lived through an action plan

It's about control, isn't it, with us? We're raised believing that if we set goals, work hard, come up with a game plan, that we will be successful. We strive, oh how we strive! And guess what? In my life, that has consistently worked out and I have achieved virtually EVERYTHING I have ever wanted to achieve - and yes, I refer to my personal life experiences as well as my professional.

Men and women alike in today's generation feel this way, and believe that life, lived as an action plan, is a great approach to take. I specifically remember a special Grade 9 English and Home Room teacher (A little shout out to Mr. Leo Abbass who is now the Mayor of Happy Valley/Goose Bay, Labrador...) who said to me "Pam, you will be someone who will achieve anything and everything you set your mind to."

We are even led to believe that women's biological nuances can be controlled - our cycles through birth control, our situations through abortion, fertility treatments, etc. There are even drugs that take away our damn monthly visitor! We are IN CONTROL, right? Previous generations never thought this, but our generation certainly did and does.

What I learned today?

It's a load of hooey.

Well, okay, let me back up a bit. What I learned was that life's biggest moments are truly seredipitous, and that to try to control what cannot be controlled will result in confusion, frustration, and, in my case, just a little bit of rage. Specifically, to have suffered three miscarriages in a year has exposed me to a level of experience that is often takes others much longer to achieve. And what this experience means is that I am sensitive to how unfair life can be. In my despair, I became sensitized to other suffering that also was unfair, and saw this through new eyes. There is a reason that many of the aged seem accepting, calm, and take life as it comes. They are in on the secret.

And what is that secret? What has this new experience level ultimately meant to me? I can never see the world in the same way I used to - with unbridled optimism and a full belief that you reap what you sew and that good things will always come to good people etc. etc. etc.

This MAY sound depressing, and believe me...it has been. But thanks to a therapy session today, what it has made me realize is that SOME things in life just will not, cannot, refuse to be, controlled. Action plans won't work.

So what can you do? Well, you can focus instead on what you CAN control - such as your time spent socializing/doing something you enjoy; such as finding jobs and opportunities in which you will thrive; such as moving more, eating better and generally having FUN.

And what will happen while you are out there 'controlling' your fun and living your 'action plan'?

Life will happen.

More specifically, I believe a NEW life will happen.

And I am going to take that to the bank.

Resource for women dealing with miscarriage or a lost baby

Okay....so here's the thing. I want to start looking online for the best websites, resources, forums and support for women and couples dealing with failed pregnancies. There's just not enough dialogue, and there's no coordination of resources for women trying to deal.

So. Only just beginning, but here are a few pages to start:
http://www.nationalshare.org/
http://home.mend.org/Default.aspx?tabid=36
http://www.aplacetoremember.com/greshome.html

If you know of great information, resources and any of the above, let me know. One of these days I am going to write about my experiences and those of other women. Whether an article or a book, I don't know, but there needs to be more said on this issue....

But, today was a good day. I now have an appointment with a specialist to find out why I have had three miscarriages in a row, and I also have found someone to talk to professionally to work through this past year, which I have to admit has really bruised my spirit. Time to get healthy and see what's up. Having direction and a plan to move forward helps immensely. Here's to 2010, people. Let's do it up the way we should~!

okay...so (why I hate 2009)

So.

At the very least, the bleeding seems to have stopped. The hideous continuous reminder of the goriest kind has passed, allowing me to at least get back to a physical level of normalcy.

holy bejeezus, though...why? WHY?????

And now, back to work. Really? Really. I can't believe that I have to drop myself right back into my life, again. Back. Not forward, but back. A third time. In ONE SHITTY YEAR.

I don't do 'back' very well. And I certainly don't know if I can handle my workload at work right now. I know I don't WANT to, and that is perhaps why the task seems so insurmountable. I just want to...what? I don't know. Wallow. Curl into a ball. Escape. Travel. Self-soothe.

It's so heavy, the thought of doing things I HAVE to do, that on other days is so easy, so simple. I guess that is what depression feels like? I know I just need time, though, and a game plan. I hope to hell I will hear from my family doctor's office with a referral to the specialists. I need answers and I need to know how long we will have to wait to start looking into the future again. I need to take care of business by cancelling appointments, getting back on some sort of track for a better lifestyle, and I need to get away and do things deliberately that will allow me to enjoy my life again.

It has been a long time since I can honestly say that I was happy, and that I was doing things in my life to enjoy life and feel GOOD. I need to put effort into the following:

1. Respecting my body again (more on that another time - too long a story to get into now)
2. Making plans to get out of the house, and not just to go work out (although that is #3), but maybe join a dance class, or finally go rock climbing again, or just put some good music in my ear and enjoy a long walk.
3. Get those good pheromones flowing again. Time to not only respect my body, but do something with it.
4. Rekindle the fun with my partner. We're fine, really, but are we great? No. We are listless, frustrated, functioning, and very very boring at the moment. We need to have a little fun. We're looking at Vegas in the spring.
5. Mental health. I don't have it right now, in case you hadn't noticed. I need to get it back, even if that means paying someone to get there.

In the meantime, though, it is Sunday night and I am dreading my return to work to face the future back once again where I started a full year ago.

In which she...

realizes that not all third times are charming;
notes that she hates her body because it has failed her yet again;
desires to feel desire for anything else, other than what it seems she can't have anytime soon;
is so very, very weary;
just wants the process to stop and the answers to come.

Another dark day in an awful year.