Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Reality sets in

So....we met with the CHEO surgeon yesterday.  You know when you KNOW something is going to happen, but you haven't truly accepted the situation?  Or maybe, less about acceptance, you just haven't fully conceptualized what that reality is going to look like? 

That was me yesterday.

As I was asking the questions, "When will she go into surgery if she is able to breathe?", and "How large will the scar be?", and "How long is her recovery time and how long might she be in the hospital?" and more, one by one my questions were answered and the reality was sinking in.

My baby could die.  My little girl might not be able to breathe and be stablized in order to even undergo surgery. She may be able to undergo surgery but take months to recover in the hospital... months when she is not home with her sister, and where Mom and Dad are living between two crazy realities. She may ultimately be alive, but have persistent medical issues as severe as requiring a tracheostomy and breathing apparatus for life.  She has a serious condition that will be very tough on both her and Mommy and Daddy.  Full stop.

Do I have optimistic faith that she will make it through and be healthy on the other side (still a strong possibility)?  Yes.  But I have to be ready to face the myriad of other possibilities, don't I?

Easier on a day like today after a good sleep and positive progress happening around me (finally got the carpet reinstalled properly and my 'team' is working on reconfiguring our entire upper floor to create order from chaos and tackle some fun nursery projects), but tough yesterday after a poor night of heartburn induced wakefulness...

While I generally have a positive attitude and am determined to enjoy both this pregnancy and my dreams of a perfect eventual outcome, it's not all roses, and I would be remiss to pretend that it was.

I will say this, though...I wouldn't change a thing, and I will face this head on.  We have quite a journey ahead of us.


  1. Sorry ... I've been away from your blog way too long clearly. I had no idea that one of the twins was facing medical challenges. Thinking of you and sending big, virual hugs. Keep the faith.

  2. :) I kinda figured from your Twitter comment! That's fine - I've been remiss in keeping up with others' blogs too! Thanks for the hugs, and I have a lot of hope, faith and love to carry her as far as possible...

  3. Hey Pam, thinking of you tons. I'm sure your little ones are fighters..just like you so stay strong!!

  4. You've expressed yourself so clearly here Pam, I don't think anyone can read it without having the reality hit them like a tonne of bricks. You have an amazing spirit and that will do as much for your babies on this journey as all of the lifesaving medical interventions.

  5. Thanks Nuyanne. Looking forward to seeing you and Susan again soon and coming up with the various game plans based on some of the possible scenarios - I will certainly be happy to have your support through all of this!!! Talk soon.