Reality sets in

So....we met with the CHEO surgeon yesterday.  You know when you KNOW something is going to happen, but you haven't truly accepted the situation?  Or maybe, less about acceptance, you just haven't fully conceptualized what that reality is going to look like? 

That was me yesterday.

As I was asking the questions, "When will she go into surgery if she is able to breathe?", and "How large will the scar be?", and "How long is her recovery time and how long might she be in the hospital?" and more, one by one my questions were answered and the reality was sinking in.

My baby could die.  My little girl might not be able to breathe and be stablized in order to even undergo surgery. She may be able to undergo surgery but take months to recover in the hospital... months when she is not home with her sister, and where Mom and Dad are living between two crazy realities. She may ultimately be alive, but have persistent medical issues as severe as requiring a tracheostomy and breathing apparatus for life.  She has a serious condition that will be very tough on both her and Mommy and Daddy.  Full stop.

Do I have optimistic faith that she will make it through and be healthy on the other side (still a strong possibility)?  Yes.  But I have to be ready to face the myriad of other possibilities, don't I?

Easier on a day like today after a good sleep and positive progress happening around me (finally got the carpet reinstalled properly and my 'team' is working on reconfiguring our entire upper floor to create order from chaos and tackle some fun nursery projects), but tough yesterday after a poor night of heartburn induced wakefulness...

While I generally have a positive attitude and am determined to enjoy both this pregnancy and my dreams of a perfect eventual outcome, it's not all roses, and I would be remiss to pretend that it was.

I will say this, though...I wouldn't change a thing, and I will face this head on.  We have quite a journey ahead of us.